Can i complain just one more time about this @#$%^! country?

I was supposed to take my driving-theory exam today. But that didn't happen. Why is it that in a country that seems to thrive on rules never actually makes any attempt to make sure that all the fucking rules are fucking clear? (Sorry. Lost it a bit there.)

Deep breaths.

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

Uuuughghghg! F-I-A-C-K!!!

I'm really annoyed. and frustrated. and sick of this kinda stuff.

Do I do it to myself? I really wonder. Maybe I'm a walking self-fulfilling prophecy. I keep making things go wrong some how. Don't ask the right questions. Don't even think about the right questions till it's too late. How is it possible that one person could run into so much previously-invisible red-tape? Or complications? Or whatever the hell you can call this...? I must be doing it to myself.

It's not the world against me. This country doesn't hate me. And even though the computer seems sometimes to be a live, spiteful, naughty thing, it really isn't purposely trying to make my day just a little more difficult.

It's just me.

morning ramblins

i hung out with andrew on tuesday night. super sweet! got home at 1am. got up at 7am. that was a bit of a bitch. but worth it. we also found a perfect irish pub. we'll be going there much more often, i predict.
talked to ann yesterday. it's been waaay too long. and talking to her was exactly what i needed at that moment. ah, how i miss that girl.
something is wrong with my browser or my blogger or something. i can't get on to certain people's blogs through my links; only through their comments. super annoying.
i just had left over fajitas mixed with scrambled eggs for breakfast. it was divine! sorta glad the kids didn't like them too much. they sure liked the tortillas. but wouldn't touch the real food. pff. i don't get them. they like weird things (that kids normally don't like) like mollusks and shrimp and sharp cheese. but they won't touch simple beef with tomatoes and onions. seriously. ah well. they weren't too happy to find out that since they didn't eat, they actually couldn't have dessert this time. perhaps next time they'll actually taste what's on their plate before pushing it away with a disgusted little face. ingrid really liked the fajitas though. at least someone recognizes good food when they taste it!
plan for today:
-second cup of coffee
-walk to driving lesson place, pick up papers, schedule exam (eeggh!)
-shower, attempt something with my hair that only looked cool on the day i cut/dyed it, now looks like a bob. not my thing...
-help dane move
-pick up kid
-rush kid to house
-throw kid through the door to the neighbors
-rush to train station
-meet carmela, dane, andrew, and andrew's friend who's name i forgot cause its super weird, in amersfoort (very cool castle-like fort-thing there...gotta check that out)
-find cafe, drink more coffee
-supper somewhere cheap
-amsterdam: find bar, maybe a huka bar (fuck off dane, that's how i spell it).
-drive back to house, hopefully at decent hour
-sleep

aaaannnndddd....that's it for now.
cheers.

About a 4yr old.

Ok, Camiel. Before we go in to the school, we're gonna make a deal. What are you gonna do when I leave?
"Umm...I'm gonna fart!" (He smiles, pleased with his great idea.)
Alright. But, what else?
"Umm...a really big fart!"
Right. Well, how bout you give me a kiss and I give you a reallly big hug (dikke knuffel...I like that term), and then you sit on your chair, and I leave.
"Ok. And then a fart!"
You can fart as long as you want. But, are you gonna hang on my leg like yesterday?
"No!"
Are you gonna cry and whine and follow me to the door?
"No!"
Good. Now, I'll race you to the school!


Haha! I beat you!
"Nuh-uh. I always win."
But I got there first!
"So. I still win!"
Hmm. Convenient. Alright, lets hang up your coat.
"Catch me if you can!" (He runs and hides, behind a small palm-like tree.)
Gotcha. Ok, coat.
"I'm getting away!"
Gotcha again. Coat.
"You can't get me!"
(I pick him up and drop him in front of his coat rack.) Coat. Now.
"You can't get me!"
(Ok. I just pull off his coat as he runs away and hang it up for him. Then I walk to the classroom. He's hiding behind the tree again. I ignore him. He follows me into the classroom.)
Alright, where's your chair? (Someone just grabbed my ass! Oh...it's him.) Right. Oooh! I see your chair! Race ya to it!
(Mad shuffle between big grown ups and 2ft tall kids ensues. He latches onto my pant pockets. Fine. I'll drag him. Walk to the chair, turn around, and sit on him.)
"mmph, you ffftoo heaffy!"
Oh, sorry. Didn't see you. (Hehe, smile to myself.) (I sit next to him for a few minutes.)
"I'm gonna fart!"
Oh yeah? Well, I'll tickle you!
"giggle giggle giggle!!!"

Ok Camiel, it's time for me to go. Can I get a hug? (I squeese him really tight, till he's giggling again.)
"Another one!"
Ok (Hug.)
"giggle giggle. Another one!"
Alright, last one.
"giggle giggle fart."
Ok, kiss. On your chair. See you later!
"Wait!" (His face changes in a matter of seconds from big smiles to an enormous pout.)
Yes?
"I want you to stay here."
I can't. I'm too old. The chairs are too small for me. (Small smile sneaks out. He hides it again.)
"But I want you to stay!"
I can't. I'll see you in a few hours! Then we can play again.
(I get up to leave. It's amazing how fast he manages to latch himself to my leg.)
Camiel. Remember our deal? What are you gonna do after we hug and I have to leave?
"Fart!!!" (Still attached.)
What else?
"A really stinky fart!"
Right. But you are also gonna sit on your chair and say goodbye, right?
"No! I want you to stay!"
(God, I really don't need you to test my patience right now. I unwrap his arms, walk him to his chair. He latches immediately. Try again. Unwrap, walk. Re-latch. Once again. Unwrap. Drag. Pops up like a bouncy ball, attaches again, at amazing speed He's like that kid in the Incredibles. Uwrap, pick up, drag, dump on chair. Squat in front of him.)
Camiel, you have to keep your end of the deal, otherwise I can't trust you.
"I'm gonna fart on your eye! giggle."
Camiel, you have to stay here, ok. I'll see you later.
"Ok!" (With a big smile, he reattaches. Aaagh! What do I do? I frantically search for the teacher. She's talking.)
Ok, on your chair buddy. (Try to stay perky...) I'll see you later today, ok! Have fun! (I practically run to the door. Right at the doorway, I feel something pulling on my pants pockets. I was so close!)
Camiel! That's enough. Go to your chair! (Shit. I lost it. Again.)
"But I want you to stay!" (Ahhh...the teacher sees us. Without a word she pulls him off of my leg, and drags him to his chair. I wave at Camiel and walk quickly to the car. It's time for some Hendrix. I notice that it's actually quite light out this morning. The sky is pink. The drive home is beautiful and relaxing. I make myself some coffee right away. Sigh. That wasn't too bad.)

revelation

i've decided that all my woes and inabilities to be one-hundred-percent, completely happy could be solved by changing my history to one in which i never moved and always lived in the same neighborhood so i never had to say goodbye to anyone and would thus never miss anyone or have to deal with the adjustment pains of the first few months in a new place. my problems would be solved.
but who wants that?
how boring.
my entire life would never have been as interesting as it is now.
so.
what was i complaining about?
i can handle being surrounded (temporarily) by children. i can survive a year of my closest relationships during the week revolving around a 4yr old, a 2yr old, and a baby... there's always the bar (and dane's happy face to cheer me up) at night.

whats so simple in the moonlight, in the morning never is...

i am not a morning person.
my life isn't particularly bright in the morning either.

comment yesterday:

other: "you have a depressive style of writing."
me: "i only write when i'm depressed."


conversation last night:

luuk: "when was the last time you were happy?"
me: "i was happy in iowa. well, there was always the element of missing people, you in particular. i couldn't be completely happy then..."
luuk: "before that?"
me: "i was happy my freshman year. i didn't have to deal with longdistance relationships then. though, i did miss mexico."
luuk: "ever been totally happy?"
me: "well, in mexico i was. sort of. i mean, i was really frustrated with people at the church all the time. and the last couple years i always had in the back of my mind that this was it, i'd be leaving soon... i guess i can't say i've ever been totally one hundred percent happy. but i have been mostly happy."


i'm starting to wonder if i am depressive. or just negative. do i simply not allow myself to be happy? what happened to "content in any and every situation"? is total happiness even possible?
actually, i think i am very..."in the moment" (to use a stupid phrase). i become super involved in my immediate life/emotions, and forget about yesterday quite quickly. which, of course, makes everything seem alot worse than it is. plus...its still morning. give it a few hours.

i woke up more tired this morning than when i went to bed. my head feels tight. my nose is stuffy. my ears keep popping. i think my cold came back for a second round.

cabbage smells really really bad in dirty diapers the next day. the house still stinks from the last one i changed. i can be thankful for stuffy nose. imagine the smell if i had my full sense... egh!

the delightful sounds of a crying baby beckon me.

ciao.

run.

I'm being chased by the monster in "Lady in the Water". Someone is next to me. He looks kinda like Scott, kinda like Paul Giamatti. There is a little girl crying somewhere. I run, but cannot get away. The monster keeps finding me and almost catching me. I hide in a tree. The monster lunges. His mouth opens wide, ready to devour me. Then he starts to beep.

I turn over and fumble for my alarm. 7:15am.
Damnit...
My body temperature starts to rise, and I notice the lumps in my pillow and the draft of air coming through some place in my blanket.
Fine. I'll get up.
My eyes are a bit poofy. I started crying for some reason last night while talking to Luuk on the phone. He unexpectedly asked me if I was happy. I burst into tears. I loose control too easily when I'm not expecting an emotionally charged question. Why was that one so charged, anyway?
I must be ovulating. Or something.
Throw some clothes on. My jeans are dirty. Crap. I don't feel like doing laundry. I put them on anyway.
Camiel is yelling something from the bathroom and Jules is wailing. Great start to the morning.
Climb down the ladder from my room. Avoid the top corner - the bruises on my knee from last time are just starting to turn green.
Someone's in the bathroom. I'll have to wait till they are out before I can relieve my bladder. I make a sandwich for one of the boys instead.
Jeroen walks by in his underwear. "Goedemorgen"; don't look up.
The kids eat breakfast.
"Camiel, quit playing, eat some food. It's almost time to go."
"Jules, keep your food over your plate!"
"No, don't play with your juice!"
It's all over the table. Nice.
Hmm, one of the youngest two has a dirty diaper. The whole kitchen stinks. I'll wait a bit, make sure he's done.
Camiel has to leave. He tries to sneak his toy in his pocket but it's too big. His dad tells him to leave it home. Camiel drops to the floor and starts wailing. Several attempts to calm him fail. Finally his coat is shoved onto him and zipped up, his arms pushed through his backback. He takes it off immediately and drops to the floor again. Repeat. He's dragged, his cries ignored, out the door.
Quiet again.
Should change that diaper.
I need coffee first. I fill the pot with water - oh yeah, I had to pee yet...run to the bathroom.
Through the door I hear Jules count, "One, three, eight, two!", and then he runs around the house at full speed, yelling something unintelligable. He's energetic today.
I hear the baby crying.
Deep breath. I study myself in the mirror. "Man, you look like crap."
Can't stay in the bathroom all day.
Ok.
Coffee.

the meaning of life

http://www.aboutlife.com/alphaviral/factory

it's january!!!

...and the weather outside is frightful.
we had a the craziest windstorm i have ever seen this past week. winds of over 140km/h. (it's still dying down today...). trucks were blown over, pushed into trees, lost control. trees snapped in half and fell over cars, bikers, and roads. roofs peeled off the tops of houses or were stripped naked of shingles. boats in the canals were pushed up onto docks and ships onto beaches. the entire train system was shut down for over 12 hrs, leaving over 1million people (can that number be right???) stranded and costing the company probably millions of euros. the craziest thing i saw was on the news: an airplane attempted to take off and was immediately picked up by the wind and began to float sideways. the funniest: a bird got caught in the wind and was blown, flipping head over tail, through the air until it got caught in a tree. poor thing. actually, another funny thing: we drive down a road to find a big tree stretched across it. a man in the car in front of us opens his door to step out. the door is ripped from his hand and snaps open, slamming across the side of the car. it hangs from the bottom hinge, and the poor man can't close it. two other men come to his rescue, and together they manage to push it back against the door frame, but it won't stick. in the meantime, the men are falling over cause the wind is pushing them so hard. crazy...
rowing was impossible. when i did try, i'm pretty sure i pulled every muscle in my back. i am incredibly sore this weekend. i need physical therapy or something.
yoga.
yoga would be good.
for now... doing nothing. reading some book that was originally written in english, and not translated to dutch, to improve my language skills. i think the story is stupid. but at least i'm learning more dutch.
ah well.
until next time...
cheers.

Oh, and for those of you who would be interested...

Alied had a baby boy, Marijn (pronounced Mah-rine), on Thursday last week.
I hope to visit them on Saturday. :)

"Repeat to yourself, 'I am super nanny, I am super nanny...' and you'll survive."

Carmela is coming today! She will be here in four (probably five) hours. Sweet! I'm excited! It's gonna be great to see her again! And fun to show her around. Weird to be showing someone else around here...I'm used to being the tourist...but I guess I've been here long enough.
I'm a bit nervous about going to the airport - I have to take the two youngest with me. Walking around in Schiphol with a 5month old baby and a 2year old boy is not exactly my idea of fun. And the baby is getting a second tooth already, and is super crabby. Jules is pretty happy though, and very excited about going to see the airplanes! So it might turn out to be fun anyway.
It's amazing how much nicer a room can look when you stuff everything into all available boxes and corners. :)
On a different note...Dane and I had a conversation last night about the US in the world. I mentioned that I wished, in a weird way, that the US would experience a war on their own soil. Not that this is a good thing...but it just seems that it's so much easier now for America to go to war because its always on the other side of the world and really means nothing to them. Even us who do not wish for war cannot possibly know what it is like and therefore do not actually care as much as, say someone from Iraq or Somolia, about the prospect of war. People here still remember the suffering of WWII. Luuk's grandmother lost family members, shot by the Germans. Many older people can telling you chilling and sad stories from those days. As a result, Europeans seem more hesitant to support war (though, I can't say the US seems all to supportive at the moment). They seem even less hesitant to joke about war. It has been a long time since the US has had war on it's own soil. America has forgotten what that sort of pain feels like. Like a child that bites because it no longer knows what a bite feels like, perhaps a nation, or at least a government, should be reminded of what the pain they are inflicting would feel like on their own flesh.
But perhaps I am speaking of something about which I also know little.

"The Little Mermaid" is done, and now the menu music is repeating itself over and over. Time to put Jules down for a nap.

Enjoy the snow, all you folks in the midwest.
I'm jealous.

Happenings

Let's see...
Survived the New Year. More than survived it - enjoyed every minute. I had the perfect amount to drink, just the right number of oliebollen (not too much, but enough to feel satisfied), played games (in Dutch!), carried on normal adult conversations (in Dutch!), kissed at midnight (in...French?), watched the boys blow up fire works, watched the (once again, very drunk) neighbors start a fire in the middle of the street, smoked a cigar, and danced all night long. It was good. The best New Years I've had here.
Next morning. News: Saddam is dead. Strange. He's been the bad guy for as long as I can remember. And now it, at least the part where he is concerned, is over.
You can watch it on youtube.
Who would want to see that?
I suppose I do not hate him enough to derive pleasure from watching him hang. The reaction here was, of course, a mixture of disgust and joy. Some are happy to know he's dead, others think this all was a horrible display. I do not feel much of either joy or disgust. As terrible as this sounds, I am too far away for him and what he's done to have an affect on me further than momentary horror. Theoretically, I suppose I think he got what he deserved. For some people, and in very few extreme cases, I think death should be their just penalty. Though, I must admit, I still cannot help but wonder who can actually be close up for those moments and live with themselves? I can support it easily from a distance but could I make the decision? Who could? Then again...I've never lost my family to a massacre or been raped and tortured...
Tomorrow I am taking the theory test for my driver's ed. Wednesday, my second driving lesson.
I found out that since I've had a license for four years already, when I get mine here, I can drive under influence of greater amounts of alcohol than the others in my class.
Luuk and I have decided to talk to a wedding planner. They are all forty year old women that love to plan other people's festive occasions. Entertaining, I promise!
On to studying traffic signs.
What a life.
Cheers.

April Fools

Remember that prank we played on April Fools last year? Maggi soup flavour blocks in the shower heads and icy-hot on the toilet seats? I found out today that it actually worked! Jan's girlfriend lived in East last year. We were talking about pranks, and she started telling about how annoyed she was with the icy-hot prank that some people did and how horrible it was to sit on the seat...I started laughing and finally had to admit why... Hehe!
Ah, belated satisfaction!

Post-Christmas

Short blog:
-Christmas consisted of three nights of celebration: Christmas Eve, went to church after yummy food; Christmas, church in the morning, another dinner that night; Tweedekerstdag (second Christmas day, actually official here) had big party and lots of food, which was absolutely delicious. Luuk's grandpa makes an incredible hare dish. His mom and aunts are splendid cooks, too.
-Dane came along; I think he enjoyed it. If nothing else, he was amused by Luuk's family. :) They have their quirks. I love them.
-Four year anniversary with Luuk on Dec. 27! Wow. It's been that long? I gave him cuff-links. He gave me tickets to Mexico. He also gave me his cold.
-In Groningen till Jan. 1. Tomorrow night, big party! Oliebolen!
-I'm sure I've gained at least five pounds...
-Luuk and I are very bad shopping partners. We both bought more clothes and lots of movies. Dane, we have more than you now.
-I'm broke.

Thought I'd share...

I am continually amazed at how much poop comes out of this two year old kid. How can something so small and cute produce such incredible amounts of something so intensely rancid that nothing can explain the potency of the resulting smell other than the reacting lurches in my stomach...?

In Mexico we had one of those butt-washer toilets in our bathroom. One of those would come in handy right now... I could just set him on it and walk away until the smell has been dissolved into the drain.

Let me restate both my hesitation to have one of my own little poop-machines and my amazement at the insanity of so many people out there.

Why do kids like Blue's Clues? The dude who does it is nuts...

First frost came yesterday. I took a walk with Jules and Raoul and admired the myst that lingered over the canals and fields, the thin layer of ice and zigzagging cracks, and the frost and ice covering everything that hadn't been touched by the sun yet. This place is really quite beautiful...
Last night, driving back from Uithoorn, I could hardly see 4ft in front of my car. The fog was incredibly thick. The water in the canal was super calm though. It looked like a mirror. Dark, misty, creepy, beautiful.
My car is doing weird things. Everytime I turn on the right blinker, the brights, or the fog lights, the wipers go crazy. But the windshield is pretty dry, so the wipers stick and make annoying noises. Never happens with the left blinker. Strange.
Coffee is good. I'm going to make myself some.
I slept like a rock the last two nights. Mind you, I purposely did not say that I slept like a baby...why do people even use that phrase? It doesn't actually reflect true baby sleeping habits. Babies wake up at least three times during the night to fuss and cry until you yourself wake up and give them some food. This past weekend I stayed home with the kids so Jeroen and Ingrid could have their first night away, alone, in four years. And sleep was not an option. Raoul woke up four or five times and simply would not sleep soundly. Finally I put him in bed with me, at which point he slept peacefully but I did not because of a combination of him sticking his feeting into my back, insisting on putting his hand by my face, and my being too worried about rolling over him. I'm never letting my kids sleep in bed with me. They'll never get used to it then, I won't have to wean (sp?) them off of it, and I'll have my own space. But, seriously, I am more and more debating the idea of having my own kids... Maybe I'll just adopt after the age of 3 so I don't have to deal with that stage.
You've gotta be concerned about a world full of people crazy enough to actually purposely have babies...
About that coffee...
Have a good one, y'all.

Why I quit the VU.

Last week I attempted to find my grade for my last exam. I found out that I had been kicked out (without any warning or notification!) because I hadn't handed in some paper from the city that say's I'm here legally. I got the paper, brought it to the VU, found out that actually, no, that wasn't the right paper, I needed a different one. Ok, so I go get that one. I could expect to be fully registered (finally!) by Monday, and then I could check my test grades.
Wednesday I got back to the house around 11pm, and an envelope was waiting for me on the ladder to my room. Ah, a letter from the VU telling me that I was finally officially registered.
I opened it, reading the Dutch side first. Thinking I misunderstood what it said, I quickly switched to the English side. No, I was right the first time: "Dear Miss Vanderploeg. We regret to inform you that you may not follow this study part-time... We are therefore returning your application file... If you wish to follow this study, please apply for the full-time program... If you are not happy with this decision, you may contact so-and-so and write a letter of complaint as well as a proposal for an exception to the rule to so-and-so..."
You've got to be kidding me.
I've been there for three months. The entire time I have run around from office to office trying to complete everything necessary for registration. I have talked to both the Psychology Department and the Hoofgebouw (main building...basically, the big guys), and even met several times with the secretary of the exam commission (who just so happens to be the advisor for the psych department). When I attempted to talk to anyone, I was always first sent to the other building where I was usually told that they couldn't do anything and I should go to the other building for help.
-I've already been there.
-Oh, well, I really can't help you, go talk to them.
-Fine.
Back at the first building.
-Oh, you're back.
-Yes, they told me only you can help me.
-Oh. Ok. Well, let's see what we can do.
Three months. Each time, my file was looked over for any missing details. Each time something else came up. But never once did any one mention that I couldn't even study the program in the first place.
What the hell?
So, what should I do? Sign up and pay for fulltime and just study parttime? Or attempt through several letters, more meetings, and another long line of bullshit, to be granted an exception?
I went to the VU yesterday to figure out what to do. First, to the Hoofgebouw.
-Yup, can't study parttime. Those are the rules.
-Why wasn't I told this from the beginning???
-I'm sorry, I really don't know.
-What can I do?
-Well, the letter says...
-I know what it says. Those are my only options?
-Yes. (Giving me an angry look, as if somehow my being angry about the past three months and this, the final straw, was somehow unfair or inconveniencing her...)
-There's nothing else-
-Those are the rules. But you should talk to someone from the psych department.
-This is ridiculous! How am I supposed to know this? Some one should have told me so I wouldn't have to go through all this running around. (I explain further about the last six months. She looks annoyed)
-Go talk to someone from the psych department. Maybe they can help.
-Fine. Thanks for your help. (Very sarcastic, angry undertone.)
To the psychology building. I run into the psych department advisor - ah! Just the man I want to speak to! I explain my situation. He looks at the letter.
-Oh, yeah. You can't study parttime. It's a psych department rule.
-Nice. So, why wasn't I told this before?
-I don't know. But it's not allowed.
-Well, I can't study full-time.
-I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do. Those are the rules.
-Well, if the rules are so important, they should be made a whole lot clearer for students attempting to get into this place!
-Yes, well, that's the way it is.
-There's nothing you can do?
-Let's meet tomorrow.
-Ok.
But, after a couple of frustrated tears, a long talk on the phone with my mom, and a good cup of coffee with Dane, I've decided to forget it. I wished once that I could have an excuse to quit - perhaps I wished too loudly and God heard me. Suddenly I wasn't so sure about this wish. This sucks - I want to study! Maybe I should take this as a challenge, stick it out. Prove that I can do it. But, I think my mother is right about two things: 1) If I'm not carefull, I will stress myself out too much and at somepoint have some sort of breakdown. I am in a different culture, country, world, I have a relatively stressful job, I don't know many people here...etc., there are many reasons that I should be stressed already, and allowing myself to continue to be stressed by a university that has a horrible administration system is not going to help. The benefits are too low anyway - it's not worth it. 2) Perhaps God is breaking down a bit of my pride. I'm definately having lots of opportunity for that this year. But one of my biggest pride issues is doing things on my own. I like to be independent. I want to show that I can take a little shit without breaking down like a baby. But maybe this time I can't, and that's ok. So... thanks, Mom, for putting things in a different perspective for me.
Thursday I felt an incredible amount of regret, but now I just feel relief. Even the idea of not having to deal with the VU anymore has relieved some stress.
Now, on to finding a yoga class and maybe even a photography course!

There's some strange gases eeking out of the heater in my room...

I dreamed last night that Ross was pregnant. He had a cute little belly that stuck out above his belt. And no one thought it was weird. He even started using the women's bathrooms and chatting with women at the mirror while washing hands. He was, however, still the same old Ross. He still sat quietly in his own corner sometimes, rocking to the music in his head. And he still made kawing sounds whenever he saw Reid.
I never got to see what his baby looked like because I woke up before he hit his third trimester. Oh, the disappointment!

Quote: E.B.White

"[Grace] can be dissected, as a frog, but the thing dies in the process, and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind."

Quote from "The Magnificent Defeat" (Frederick Buechner)

"For what we need to know, of course, is not just
that God exists, not just that beyond the steely
brightness of the stars there is a cosmic intelligence
of some kind that keeps the whole show going, but
that there is a God right here in the thick of our
day-by-day lives who may not be writing messages about
himself in the stars but in one way or another is
trying to get messages through our blindness as we
move around down here knee-deep in the fragrant muck
and misery and marvel of the world. It is not objective
proof of God's existence that we want but the experience
of God's presence. That is the miracle we are really
after, and that is also, I think, the miracle that we
really get."

Fotos

I borrowed a digital camera for a week, and this is what I got when I remembered to take pictures:

The canal that I cross every day,

with this boat.

The neighbor's windmill.

Beautiful Holland.

Swans.

They are everywhere.

(Fascinating, when you grow up where swans are nonexistant).

This guy hissed at me.

I took his picture and slowly backed away.

(He's more scary-looking in real-life close-up.)

These guys are also everywhere, but are super skitish and always fly away before I can take their picture. Getting closer was not an option...

Foggy mornings...sometimes whole days...

(Can you see the hundreds of geese in the field? They are loud, annoying in the morning...)

@#$%!!!

Damn it. This computer. It just erased a post I just wrote. 
Attempt 3 (yes, that's right...third attempt...lucky for you, it's shorter).

I feel drunk. 
It started last night. I went to the bar with Dane anyway. But even one beer was a bad idea. 
I felt as if I stayed in that smokey room any longer, I'd get sick.
The cat bit me again yesterday. I started to think this feeling was the result - maybe I got tetanus.
My jaw even started to feel stiff. That could be a result of constantly stretching it to see if it still
worked.
I don't have tetanus.
Driving home was surreal, taking the curves in the dark, with only the headlights to help me 
keep my balance. In my head, a dream from a few nights ago replayed over and over. 
In the dream I crash into the canal and almost drown before I'm saved from a friend of mine from Mexico. He died last year. In a car accident. 
Sleep didn't help. I woke up dizzy and off balance. The feeling is more dull now, but
if I turn to fast I have to steady myself or I'll fall over.
It's foggy out and I have to drive to Amsterdam. Probably not a good idea. 
Oh well.
I will pretend that I am late to GEN300 with the effects of last night's party still wearing off.
Cheers. 

That cat's aren't allowed in at night

It's almost 20*C outside today. This week has been full of record breaking temperatures.
Nice. 
Not so good though, in the bigger picture...
I took Jules and Raoul on a long walk. On the way we passed a house that we walk by everytime
we go on a walk. An old lady lives there and shealways waves at us from her window. 
Today she came out and offered me some coffee and Jules some milk. At first I was skeptical
(never met her, why's she offering me coffee?) but she was friendly, so we went in. There were three cats in the kitchen, sitting in front of a small stove heater. They are allowed in the kitchen, she said, but not in the rest of the house. She doesn't mind if they come in during the day, but at night they make a mess and she prefers they stay outside. She told me about her space heaters, which are strategically placed around her very small house, keeping it almost unbearably warm. She pointed out that
the heater in the old fireplace is broken because it used to look like real fire and it only heats but 
doesn't look nice. She should have someone come and fix it. It used to look like real wood burning. It was so pretty. She showed me her bedroom, also very small, and proudly pointed out that 
the space heaters keep the whole house warm, and there is one in the kitchen that uses oil, and 
the one in the living room that is in the old fire place gives warmth but is broken and doesn't look 
pretty any more. Her house is small, she said, but that is good because it is just her now. Her husband died a long time ago. He was a very good man. Her daughter lives next door though. Her daughter buys her her groceries so that she doesn't have to cross the canal in the boat. That is nice, because she is old. She's been here since she was 38 and now she is 88 years old. Her husband died a long time ago, but her daughter lives next door. She doesn't get too lonely. And some boys live close by. They used to visit, but now they go to school.
Did I want coffee? Yes, that would be nice, thank you. Oh, she is out of milk. Coffee without milk is no good - she didn't want it either. Perhaps another time. Her daughter was out buying groceries right then, she does that for her you know.
A cat walked into the room and she kicked lightly at him, telling him to go back 
to the kitchen. They are allowed in during the day, she said, but not at night because she can't watch them and make sure they don't make a mess. They like to sit in front of the heaters though, so she lets them in to warm up a bit. The cats do actually sit right in front of the heater in the kitchen, I noticed, they sit straight, chin up, belly facing the stove. I looked back at the lady, she had a huge grin on her face as she looked at Raoul, sleeping 
strapped to my chest. She touched his cheek and told me about her grandkids. They used to come around alot, but now they have school. She looked sad. She commented that his cheeks were cold. Good thing she has so many heaters, she said. They are very warm; the one in the kitchen uses oil, and the one in the living room by the fireplace used to look pretty but it's borken. She should get someone to fix it, but at least it still keeps her warm. 
Did the little boy want a cookie? Some boys live next door and and they used to come over a lot. But now they don't. They have school and friends and other things that keep them busy. It's too bad. But, her daughter lives next door. She brings her her groceries. Today she is getting more milk. Did I want coffee? No, that would be nice, but perhaps another time. Oh. Ok. 
I should go, I said. Oh, that is too bad. I should stop by some other time, because she doesn't know many people around here. She's from some other town. She just moved here and doesn't know anyone. But her daughter lives next door. Her husband used to live here, but he is dead now. He was a good man. Oh, the cat is in the living room. He likes it here, you know, because it is warm. Except, the heater in the living room is broken.
Well, thank you for the visit, I said. Perhaps I will see you again. Yes, that would be nice.
We left, and she closed the door behind us, with a huge smile on her face. I could hear her scolding the cats as we walked away.
I wish I knew her name.

Weekend.

My mom called on Thursday to make sure I wasn't depressed cause I was spending thanksgiving by myself. Heh? Thanksgiving? Oh, yeah. I forgot. Weird. Well...not really. It wasn't usually a huge deal in Mexico. Cept, we did get together with fellow missionaries for a huge meal. But we did that regularly enough that it didn't feel particularly different, I suppose.
Hung out with Liesbeth last night, stayed up till almost 4am. Had 4 beers and that was enough to give me a headache this morning. That, or I've been getting migraines my whole life but don't know that that's what those headaches really are. Or I have a tumor that's gonna start growing out the side of my head. I'm tempted to get a diagnosis. Today it was so bad I cried. I felt like such a baby. Luuk gave me a head massage. Very nice. I recommend it.
Liesbeth's new bf is sweet, good for her. But, I'm biased. He reminds me a bit of Luuk. Can't help but think he's cool then.
I am going to watch Memento now. Apparently it's a good movie. Never heard of it. Hmm. I hope it's good.

Nederengels

It's hailing right now. 
Not big hail, just little chunks of ice, 
but enough to make the roof rattle and the windows sound like they are about to crack.
I just set the coffee pot on and now the kitchen smells good. 
Like coffe. 
The kids are at school and the neighbors, so I have the house to myself. 
What will I do with my free time? 
Drink coffee, eat something, read blogs, wait till it's time to pick up Camiel.
Today I have my first practicum assignment.
I won't bore you with the details, but getting into a group was a mess.
Now that I am in one (kinda thrown in as an extra) 
my schedule isn't making it particularly easy to be much help. 
Ah well. It will work out.
I am beginning to wonder if I really am seriously affected by the weather. 
I joked about it alot before, but never really believed it. 
But then, I have a zillion logical explanations for feeling a bit down 
(lack of sleep, bad weather, need exercise, change does this, etc.).
None of it makes a difference.
I'm getting tired of translating all the time in my head.
Literally - it's exhausting.
I'm go drink coffee.
Cheers.

 Shit. There is something wrong with blogger...When I write, instead of fitting to the screen, the words just keep going till I press "enter"...so they end up off the page. So, I'm making each sentence a new line. Pff. Except for this paragraph...That worked fine. WTF. Egh. I give up.

What was I thinking?

going to a foreign country completely unprepaired financially.
finding a job as an au pair in the middle of no where.
spending money a bit too freely.
forgetting to pay for parking, resulting in a 47euro ticket.
not keeping track of my phone calls, resulting in a ridiculous cellphone bill (about which my wonderful fiancé, who was paying for it, is not too happy...)
not finding out exactly what is required for my current course at the VU.
assuming the VU would work out well.
assuming this would be easy...

what the hell was i thinking?

My head feels like a balloon loaded with lead...

this weekend:
- planned on taking 12:44pm train; would have worked if Camiel's class wasn't the last one out (15min late!), the neighbor's had opened the door right away (instead of leaving us standing there waiting for 5 min), and the fucking semi hadn't pulled out in front of me (cutting me off) and then driven 10km below speed limit, all causing me to miss the train by one minute (it was leaving the station as I parked the car...). ah well. i got to Groningen an hour late. it happens. alot, around here.
-was surprised at the station by Luuk, who was carrying 23 roses. :) (and who had been expecting me an hour before, but since he lost his cellphone, thought i went to his place, biked home, found out i'd called a zillion times to tell him i'd be late, biked back, and caught me just before i was ready to leave. cell phones are the most wonderful, helpful invention, i've decided.)
- used one of my movie gift certificates: watched "Babel" (very good!)
- the movie theatre: the kinda place that people who love movies but hate popcorn, crying kids, and blockbusters go; contains a classy (though not overpriced) restaurant and a bar; promotes european, cult, and independent films; red carpet, wide stairways, candle-lit, low lighting, classy atmosphere; extra bonus: less expensive than other theatres. nice.
- beat Luuk at Settlers (the card game...)
- slept in till 12 on Saturday
- woke up Sunday with Luuk's cold
- was ready to take the 8:17pm train last night (so I'd be home by 11pm), when a train broke down between Groningen and the next station, stopping all train traffic for hours; had to take the bus to the next station; a normally 15min train ride took almost 60min by bus; ended up taking different train (the one that stops at every station instead of going straight through); got home at 12:30am.
- waking up this morning sucked
- i did sleep very well last night (!)

Last night, "My Utmost for His Highest", topic was the new life after Christ and experiencing grace. I suddenly realized what part of my problem is: I have never had that black/white old-life/new-life difference. I grew up in a Christian home, can remember at least 5times praying ("this time for real, cause last time I didn't mean it!") for salvation, but cannot remember ever not believing in God... My life is really a series of old and new lives, neither of them really that different from the last. How do you see grace when you cannot compare it to lack of grace in your own life?

There's something clinking in the dryer...

Tuesday, went to HUKA bar with Dane. Tried new flavour: orange. Not bad. While smoking, the man with the smile from Dulac Bar came in, asking if we wanted pictures. I asked if I could take one of him with my camera. Had to explain that a couple times. In several languages. Finally, got picture with the smile man. When I told him I liked his smile, he smiled. Bigger than usual. He shook my hand before he left.
The cat attacked my ankles again today. Fucking cat. He made me bleed. I used to love him. But now I cannot enjoy his presence because I am watching him the whole time to make sure he's not preparing to pounce. He always waits till that second that I'm not watching. He's smart. Takes me longer to respond with a good kick. Today I threw him outside. And we were getting along so well...
I got a package from my parents today: books and chocolate from Mexico that is used for drinks. Best present yet. Though, Froukje promised to get me underwear. That's always nice.
The other day, I somehow managed to get a gigantic sliver in my finger. (K, so it wasn't that big, but you'd think it was by how much it hurt!). Took forever to get out. Now I have a scab under my skin. Weird.
I'm reading "Mere Christianity". CSLewis, brilliant. Maybe this will help...
Take it easy, all. Enjoy the weekend. I'm sleeping as much as I can! Oh, so exciting!

Er is iemand jarig, hoera hoera!

I got up at 7am today, half an hour earlier than normal. Not my idea, btw. Though, I should learn to think a bit more like Joshua who said that he liked to get up before sunrise on his birthday and stay up until he couldn't keep his eyes open anymore so he could enjoy his day for as long as possible. I'm more content with sleeping and being lazy all day, but I like the positive outlook...it's a nice thought.
The kids came into the kitchen singing a song in Dutch that they didn't know (so it was more like every fifth word of the song as their dad sang in the background), each carrying a present and a huge grin. Very sweet. :)
Watched "The Little Mermaid" and "Finding Nemo" today with Jule (no reason for the undersea theme...just happened).
Drank too much coffee, made myself a super delicious salad (there is an incredible assortment of cheese in this country, goes really well with salad!), and took the kids on a walk even though it was kinda foggy today... The weather makes me feel like I'm in a Brontë novel.
My ring is too big for my finger suddenly and keeps flipping upside down which is really uncomfortable and annoying.
I'm going to Amsterdam to walk around and wait for Dane to get out of class cause it just seems like a better idea than sitting here. I feel like treating myself to a nice dinner...but eating alone seems too lonely for tonight. I'll content myself with being somewhere outside of the house, surrounded by adults (albeit, strangers).
Later we are smoking a huka (fuck the spelling...).
Ciao.

I listened to Bright Eyes three times in a row and smiled like I was on drugs the whole time...

Oh Ann. You're such a heretic. That's why I love you. :)

I've been thinking all week about what I wrote in my last posts, all your responses, and other blogs that I've read...but I really don't know what to think of it all, nothings really changed much, and I can't put my thoughts into comprehensible words, so I'm just gonna let this subject be for a while... I think what I want most is a night of wine and conversation till 4am to help me figure this all out or to confuse me more - I'd be happy with either actually.

It's fall. The leaves are finally starting to change colour and drop, I can see my breath in the mornings, my hands almost freeze off when I have to row in the morning mist or drizzle, and the spiders have disappeared. The other day it was so windy that (no joke) I was rowing as hard as I could and still sat in exactly the same place in the middle of the canal for 2 whole minutes before the wind took a break long enough for me to cross to the other side. I was starting to fear that I'd never make it... That was exciting.

I started a new course at the VU. Got lost, sat in the wrong class for 15 min before realizing that it was Logistics and not Research Methods, got lost again, walked into the right class finally 30 min late, of course through the door at the front of the class instead of the one in the back... Nice.

yesterday, cont.

Perhaps you are right Gabe... I have been churched all my life, have had so much religion and theology, have seen too much politics behind the scenes...it's all become too complicated.

The thing I struggle the most with when it comes to worshipping God is not whether other's are sincere or not - I'm sure many/most of them are, even the people leading the service. It's just that it seems so meaningless. That's the thing - they are all sincerely duped. And yet, I'm jealous.
These songs that we sing, especially the mantras with little depth to them, annoy me because they are words that I do not feel or think. There are few songs that when I mouth the words I am actually singing - know what I mean? When I pray in church, at the designated time during the service in the designated area of the building, I feel as if I am just following directions to participate in something that is supposed to make me feel good about myself....
Or rather, it's a huge play, where we all have our part and know our lines, but outside of the stage it means nothing.
Actually, that's what it comes down to I think... I cannot play on stage what for me does not exist beyond it.
This comes not from a lack of desire for God - I have this ache, this empty feeling that accompanies me... It's akin to missing someone you love more than anyone else in the world, yet more dull, more constant. It's frustrating. Occasionally, overwhelming. Mostly, I am numb.
I cannot pray, not in the normal sense of the word. I have mini, one-sided-conversations with God throughout the day. As if I'm talking to myself, but really its to Him. My journal is the only place where I can feel remotely close to Him, perhaps because it is more concrete, the words are right before me and even if He does not see them they have been recorded somewhere at least.
That's it: I am insignificant. All this "Jesus is your best friend" stuff...never understood it. I want to buy it, but really I know it's silly. Yes, He loves us, we are His people... but individually? to care for every little thing that happens to us? I can understand love for His people as a whole, but not personally.
I don't want to act (or be) sincere in one place when I really don't believe that there exists the possibility of this special relationship with God in any other place. How do you approach someone you don't think is listening?
Yet, the crazy thing is, I still act everyday as if I do (journaling, talking to Him, etc.), as if it's just in case. Or maybe I do believe it though rationally I can't allow myself to. So then maybe there is simply something about church that emphasizes my own contradiction in beliefs, perhaps the formality of the situation (much like actually purposely praying or doing devotions) sticks me in the awkward situation of making my secret beliefs confront my rationale.

Ugh. I really don't know myself.

Fuck it. I'm done with this for now...

i wish i had a river i could float away on...the canal has no current and i don't feel like rowing...

-i've lost 5kilos since i've been here. thats not a good thing. my pants don't fit as well anymore.
-thursday i had a test at 8:45am, which meant i had to get up at 6 to get ready, row across the canal, drive to the station, take the train, and be at the VU in time. the test was in dutch. i got to use a dutch-english dictionary. it took me an hr longer than most students. i felt smart.
- wednesday night jules woke up at 4a.m. and cried for an hour. i couldn't put my pillow over my head cause i had to hear my alarm at 6, so finally i went downstairs, told him to be quiet, made him lay back down, rubbed his back, and he fell asleep. i felt like super nanny. until 6a.m. came around. then i just felt like crap.
- thursday, after my test, i drank too much coffee, not enough water, smoked hookah for a couple of hours, had a couple of beers, then promptly got sick. crackers helped.
- fish for supper when you feel sick is not a good idea.
-fri/saturday i went to a conference at a baptist church, in dutch, with luuk. it was good, i think. something about masculinity/femininity and men and women in relationship to each other and God.
- i'm much to cynical for my own good. friday night, after the sermon, we had a time of prayer. during this prayer we could partake of communion (which consisted of standing in a line, walking to a table, taking turns drinking out of a little glass and eating a cracker of sorts), kneel in front of a cross, and/or go to a corner and be prayed for by the elders. the entire time someone played some soft churchy music in the background. i did take communion, but it felt empty. then i sat back down. i fought the urge to pray or let the atmosphere affect me in anyway. why i fought it, i can't say exactly. it had something to do with thinking the music was stupid, that they were just trying to manipulate our emotions, that the communion really was just an efficient way to get through a symbolic act, that the cross was a way to make yourself look humble, and that i'd feel incredibly uncomfortable having some stranger pray for me about something personal. mostly, i felt that if i did participate, pray, or cry (as others around me were) or whatever else i could let happen, i would have simply allowed myself to be duped.
- where do i go from here?

strikes and gutters

This weekend was good. Luuk's parents had a big birthday party, since they both have birthdays in Oct. and they both hit a "big 5" - one 55, the other 50. And they never got around to throwing a 25th anniversary party, so that was also kinda sorta a reason.
We all dressed up. Ate great food. Kissed alot of cheeks (three kisses per person...the Mexican way is much easier, just one kiss). At the end people sang songs, read poems, and did a couple plays about the birthday couple - super funny stuff! Kinda like Canadian weddings. I was dragged into singing a song with the siblings and respective better-halves, in Dutch, in front of everybody. Luckily, Luuk's sisters have powerful singing voices and mine wouldn't have been heard anyway, so stumbling over the words was not too big of a deal. Pretty sure my face was red the entire time. Ah well.
After that, went to René's bday party, stayed till 3am, biked home for half an hour, almost fell asleep on the couch, then went to bed. Woke up when Mirjam's alarm went off, then dreamed about the song she'd set her alarm to until I woke up at 1pm.
Periods suck. Especially on weekends. At parties. Or while biking.
Sorry...did I share too much?
But seriously. They suck. And cramps are from the devil. I'm pretty sure that women got the worse end of the deal after the fall.
I prefer the ovulation stage.
Luuk and I are starting a movie collection, kinda by accident. We've been buying good movies when they cost less than 5euros. It's a quickly growing collection.
I don't want to go back to WV (woerdense verlaat). Every Sunday its the same though. I dread going back...but once I'm there, its not that bad, and the week goes relatively fast...so I shouldn't complain. This week will be even shorter - I'm off on Thursday. :)

"The Spirit of God witnesses to the redemption of our Lord, and to nothing else. He cannot witness to our reason. We are inclined to mistake the simplicity that comes from our natural commonsense decisions for the witness of the Spirit, but the Spirit witnesses only to His own nature, and to the work of redemption, never to our reason. If we are trying to make Him witness to our reason, it is no wonder that we are in darkness and uncertainty. Throw it all overboard, trus in Him, and He will give you the witness of the Spirit." - Oswald Chambers

Not sure yet what exactly I think of that. It strikes a chord somewhere, though.

Me siento un poco...perdida.

I listened to Sigur Ros for the first time since I've been here. It's strange how music can create such strong feelings and bring up such clear memories...
It made me miss the House of Common Debauchery. And all who associate with it.
I sat in the car for an extra ten minutes after parking by the house. It's the only place I can listen to music. I don't have a cdplayer here.
The neighbors give me funny looks when I sit there sometimes. I just close my eyes- if I can't see them, I forget that they can see me.

Who wants to read about one of my dreams?

So, the details are kinda fuzzy, but here's what I remember:
I'm in some field somewhere. Then, it slowly turns to rocky desert. Out of a bush jumps this gigantic rat, the size of a large cat. It's heading toward me with sharp teeth dripping with spit. Gross. I pick up a stick, ready to fight it off, knowing full well that it is too big and I'm going to die. Suddenly, a tall, shirtless, muscular, tan, long-haired man (the kind you see on dirty romance novel covers) jumps out from behind a large rock and fights the rat off. Then, he proceeds to actually pick me up, sweep me off my feet, and walk away with me in his arms, long hair blowing in the wind. And I sit there staring at this strange man's face, thinking "I can't wait to tell Luuk this story because he'll think its hilarious". Then I wake up up cause I'm laughing in my sleep.
I'm starting to wonder if I need some sort of therapy, cause if that is one of my unconscious desires, there is seriously something wrong with me.

Why the hell did God create mosquitos anyway? I think, just to torture us for our sins...

I fell asleep last night at 10ish while studying...had lots of really weird, random, sometimes freaky dreams...woke up to the sound of buzzing in my ear. My pinky itched too. I turned on the light and looked on the wall above my bed - 4 mosquitoes resting there, waiting to make their next plunge. I got up and ran around my room in my underwear trying to kill the stupid things. I had left the trap door to my room open, so they were all over the place. I got a few of them, but lost the others. Went back to bed and then looked at the clock. I have a traveler's clock, so one side shows American time, the other European...I looked at the American side, saw that it was 6 and decided that I might as well stay awake until 7:30 instead of going back to sleep since I wasn't tired. I started writing in my journal, then studied a bit. Then, I looked at the clock again and realized that actually I'd looked at the wrong side and now it was 2:30a.m. in Holland.
Brilliant.
So, I tried to sleep again, waking up 15 min later to more buzzing.
Hunted mosquitos for 10 min.
Went back to bed.
More buzzing.
Repeated process.
Finally slept with my head under the blankets - fighting the mosquitos was useless. Instead, I fought spiders again in my sleep.
I woke up exhausted to the joyful sounds of Camiel screaming that he didn't want to wear a particular shirt. There's nothing like waking up to the sound of crying children.
I told Ingrid this morning that I will be studying full-time next year, and since its been a bit of a bitch to fit studying in my nanny-schedule, I will not be an au pair next year. She wasn't surprised.
Anybody interested in an aupair position for next year? :)
Now I have to find some other source of income for next year.
Fuck. It's amazing how limited my options are here... Ok. Amazing is definately not the right word. None of you happen to be secretly rich and overly generous, do you?
Bummer.

apologies...

that post with the lame title... really long.
should i feel bad?
meh.

(i'm bored.)

(can you tell?)

good news

i past my statistics test, first try. sweet. :p

I wish I could think of a clever title...but I can't.

Non-alcoholic beer when ordered by accident is an unpleasant suprise.
I'd rather knowingly drink a full glass of pee.
Ok. Maybe not.
But it was gross.
The bartender laughed at Dane and I when we told him we didn't know.
Pff.

11%alcohol combined with incredible flavor in the bottle of an unknown type of beer is a very pleasant surprise.
'Cept when you have to drive.
I'm sure Dane didn't mind helping me finish it.

The kids were super crabby this morning. I woke up to the lovely sounds of a tempertantrum, followed by the younger-brother's-imitation-of-the-older-brother-tempertantrum. This continued through breakfast.
I think when I have kids, I will spank them.
Or just send them to their room forever when I don't want to deal with them any more.

My parents bought a puggle for my younger sisters. I'm not sure if thats a pug-poodle mix or a pug-beagle mix. Personally, I'm hoping for pug-poodle. The mental picture is amusing.
They thought of several food and drink related names but Kayla didn't like the idea of naming her puppy after food. She picked the name Kahlua. I'm not supposed to tell her what that really is...

Yesterday, I watched Dr. Phil. I hate that guy usually. But he actually gave some good advice yesterday, and I was starting to like him. Then he wrapped up with some great take-home advice: "You just need to find your true self. Figure out who you really are." What does that mean, anyway???
I remember now why I hated him.

I miss stars.
It was misty this morning again. I could have stared at the sun through the fog if I wanted to - it was a small yellow circle. It hurt my eyes though.
Fog makes sunrises particularly fantastical.

the phobia

last night i had dinner with liesbeth in utrecht. great place, books and candles everywhere, nostalgic atmosphere (if that makes sense), and of course, good food. only downside - i was cutting my food and i saw some movement on the table to my left. there, heading toward my plate was a medium sized spider. i backed away from the table, almost knocking over a waitress standing behind me. liesbeth saw the look of panic on my face but couldn't figure out what was wrong. i managed to maintain my calm, being in the middle of a busy restaurant, and not wanting a spider on my plate or near my lap, i quickly squished it with my napkin. then i sat there for two minutes with this squished spider in hand, trying to figure out where to dispose of it, as a series of emotions crossed my face and liesbeth laughed at me. i gave my napkin to a waitress, told her what was in it, and she held it away from her body as she took it to a garbage can. then liesbeth and i exchanged spider-phobia experiences. for the rest of the night i imagined that every hair that moved on my neck or every itch on my leg was a spider, amusing liesbeth with my constant twitching and panicked hand-slapping.
do i have more experiences with spiders than most people? or do i simply remember them better because i fear them?

I feel like I've seen this news before...

Weird how history (even recent history) seems to repeat itself. When I watch BBC, I constantly am haunted by deja vu.
Titanic is on tv. I hated that movie. Except for the whole sinking of the ship - that part was cool. Love story, worthless.
The other day a swan stepped into the road in front of me as I was driving. I slowed down enough to watch him slowly cross the road and jump into the canal. There are swans, blue and grew herons (sp?), and numerous ducks and geese all over the place here...The duck I crossed paths with Thursday night after getting lost, driving an extra 1.5hrs, speeding to get home before 2am (which didn't happen), did not fare quite so well. The lights on my car are not very bright, so suddenly (as i sped down the road at an impressive 90kph) I saw this beautiful emerald head turn to look curiously at me just before the shock registered on his cute little duck face and he was hit head on by and equally shocked me...The first loud thump was followed by the sound of him rolling around under the car. He didn't roll under the wheels though, so there is a slight hope that he survived. I almost cried. :(
I missed Carmela's bday. I'm bummed. It sounded like fun.
Luuk commented to me recently that he noticed that it seems like I do not feel as if God gives a damn about me. He sees it especially when he hears me pray, as if I am praying to a wall or some all-seeing Eye that is focused elsewhere. As if I am going through the motions not really expecting to be heard. Because I am insignificant. And it's true. I guess I do see it like that. I know in theory it's not true - He cares for us all, loves us, wants the best for us, etc.... But seriously, why would he? What possible difference could my, our, lives make to him? How can we be so arrogant to assume that what we do, think, feel, believe is noticed, much less taken seriously?

Just spent 2hrs reading blogs...

Wow. I would say that I lead a boring life...cept, I enjoyed reading blogs, so it wasn't so boring after all.
I actually have some homework. Just stuff to read. My course this block consists of a book we read on our own time, class twice a week we may or may not attend if we want, no assignments, and one test. Nice. Next block: statistics. Shiat. Same sorta deal...but it's statistics. I hate statistics. (no, no, we must learn to like statistics...we must or we'll never pass the test...i love it. i love it. i love it...). I had a pre-course test for that class, basically to determine what level each student is at. I studied statistics from one of Luuk's economics books (which believe it or not has different sort of stats then I am used to), for the whole weekend. Took the test: it was mostly algebra. Which I haven't done in six years. I felt very stupid. And did horribly on the test. Pff.
Hmm. Baby is fussing...gotta go do my nanny thing.
Until next time.
Ciao.

I woke up this morning and couldn't turn my head to the left...

When I put my sweater on, it smelled like my room in Iowa. I guess I haven't worn it since I've been here. And the smell brought me all the way back to last year.
Nice quote, Charlotte Brontë:
"...but I counsel you to resist firmly every temptation which would incline you to look back...It is hard work to control the workings of inclination and turn the bent of nature; but that it may be done, I know from experience. God has given us, in a measure, the power to make our own fate; and when our energies seem to demand a sustenance they cannot get - when our will strains after a path we may not follow - we need neither strave from inanition, nor stand still in despair: we have but to seek another nourishment of mind, as strong as the forbidden food it longed to taste - and perhaps purer; and to hew out for the adventurous foot a road as direct and broad as the one Fortune has blocked up against us, if rougher than it."
K, so that seemed more applicable to my life last night (night has a way of making everything seem so much more complicated and difficult), but I still like and will remember this counsel. For future nights of unrest.

what the world needs now...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/5388182.stm

what's in a name?

I googled my name (cause I'm bored...) and found several same-namers with various professions/occupations:
-baseball player
-racecar driver
-drag racer
-firefighter
-receptionist
-mentor

my favorite:
-successful user of "Fat Vanish", with testimonial and everything

I've looked at clouds from both sides now...

I woke up this morning and when I looked out my window, I could see nothing beyond the garden. The entire region is covered in a thick cloud of fog. I once wished I could live in the clouds, like the "Care Bears".
The canal was beautiful, still and glossy, with white wisps swirling above it, disturbed by the oars and the four-year-old flailing his arms about. I had to drive slow, a couple times almost running through an intersection. Everything feels sleepy, as if the fog got into our heads while we were still in bed...
Most of the spiders have disappeared, probably gone to some warm little hole somewhere to wait for the sun. Their webs are now more visible than ever, and suddenly I see a thousand more that I did not know existed. They are covered in dew, drooping a bit with the weight, white, glossy, and sparkling. The garden looks a bit like it's been decorated for halloween...yet somehow I actually find the webs beautiful today. I suppose it just fits the mood...like something from "Sleepy Hollow" or "Wuthering Heights"...though less creepy.

Always look both ways

This morning, I called Luuk but he didn't answer his cell...he called back later to tell me that he was in the hospital at the time, which is why he didn't answer... Hospital?! Yes, the hospital. He got hit by a car while biking to class. The driver went through a red light and slammed into him almost head on. But, he is ok...just a very bruised and swollen elbow, which is now resting nicely in a sling. His bike faired much worse, now a crumpled, useless heap of metal.
I'm glad I wasn't there.
I would have freaked out I think.
What if the car was going faster?
Or he his is head harder?
But it wasn't, he didn't, so I should stop thinking about it.

I really am learning to dislike the VU. The more I have to deal with them, the less I want to study there. I can never get anything done in one visit, rarely am told exactly what the next step is so I have to figure it out myself, and the only man who has been particularly helpful is always very busy, so scheduling appointments to meet with him is quite a hassle. But, I am getting very very close to actually studying something there. Woohoo! The excitment is almost too much. Not really.
I really hope I can study at a different university next year. This year is just for in case I can't, then I at least have a head start on the ridiculous 2-1/2 yr pre-masters catch-up deal I was given. Egh.
My jaw hurts. Alot. Often. I'm pretty sure it's a wisdom tooth coming out. But I don't want to go to the dentist... I suddenly feel a kinship with all teething children. I am slightly tempted to buy a chew-toy.

I think I am losing my mind...

I am apparently now a VU student (finally). And now I am not so sure I made the best choice. But, ignoring all doubts and insecurities (which mostly revolve around lack of $$$), I am going to figure out a class schedule, and dig in!
Yikes.
I went to a zoo with Ingrid, the neighbor lady, and four kids and a baby yesterday. Very nice zoo, huge playground (every kids' fantasy!), perfect weather... Going with kids under 5 yrs of age is a bit of a bitch though. They aren't particularly interested in the animals, get tired easily, want to eat all the time, and constantly need to go to the bathroom... (And seriously, who designed strollers with front wheels that don't turn??? Must have been someone who never had to push a 50lb kid around all day... pff). But it was fun, despite all that. The town the zoo is in is beautiful - it even has hills!!!
This morning I decided that I officially dislike the Wallflowers... I heard a song or two of theirs that I liked once, so when I saw their cd on sale somewhere, I bought it. Hadn't listened to it since, and today I put it in while driving...every song sounds too much like the previous, the vocals are boring, the lyrics rather stupid, and the music is just not my sort I guess... That was disappointing...
Last night I got a picture of me, Dane, and some (funny, talkative) British guy and his gf and her roommate...taken by the man that smiles. :) I got him to bring the price down from 5euro to 3euro, but then I didn't have 3euro change so I paid him 4 instead... He smiled. Next time, I will ask him to join us for a beer.

To live in a country that is 100ft below sea level just when global warming is starting to really kick in is just stupid.

I have baby Raoul laying on my lap, making funny grunts and reflexive smiles (it means he's gassy or he's simply imitating, not that he thinks I'm funny...). Though, he does stare at me alot, which makes me feel special. :p
Yesterday, I played "princess and knights" with the oldest. He asked me to (saying, I save you then we get married!), then said he didn't know how to play, so I just pretended to be singing and picking up flowers and then to be taken away by a dragon...then I pretended to be the dragon, chasing and eating limbs off the knight, which he ended up seeming to enjoy much better. After half an hour I was hoarse from growling and exhausted from chasing him and throwing him on couches. It was fun though. Now he wants to play every day... Egh.
The 1-1/2 yr old wakes up everyday and starts yelling for "Amana!" and then wants me to read him a book right away (which generally consists of me getting two or three words off the page before he flips the page, or the next three pages, and then dropping that book to get another right away...he has a very short attention span).
-Yesterday, I had to turn the car around in a driveway, which was steep, and I couldn't get the car up the hill (tried over 20 times, stalling each time), so I asked some old guys fishing down the road if they could do it for me. They thought I meant there was something wrong with the car, so they were going to push it...Oh the embarassment when I had to explain that, No, it's just me. I suck. Could you please drive it up the hill for me? They smiled at each other and complied. They waved when they saw me later in the day, and I smiled back, desperately hoping they didn't recognize me. I'm sure the did.
- I saw, for the first time since I've been here, a man walking around in wooden shoes.
- Last night, I heard a Dutch version of that song "every step you take...I'll be missing you..." (By the way, does anyone know who sang that version? I could swear it was PuffDaddy, but Dane thinks I'm wrong...).
- I also saw a woman on a bike with a woven basket attached to the front, and a little dog sitting in the basket. Just like Toto.
- Sometimes, when the sun is just beginning to set, this place reminds me a bit of what I first pictured the Shire to look like...
-Yesterday I found out that Jeroen and Ingrid are (nominal) Catholics. Made for the beginning of an interesting conversation, though it was interrupted by one of the kids... I'm kinda not-so-secretly-anymore hoping that we don't talk about religion too much because I am too cynical about all religions, though even more so about non-Christian ones sometimes, I must admit, so I am afraid I will not make a good impression. I'm hoping that my lifestyle and behavior will be enough to make an impression... Right.

Smells like Amsterdam

The one year old can now say my name. Sort of. He used to call me "mama", but then when I'd tell him I'm not mama, I'm Amanda, he'd start calling me "papa". But now I am "Amana".
Yesterday the baby sneezed and somehow all his snot from his nose managed to land on his forhead. I laughed. Then I cleaned him up.
Last night I went to bed at 1, and had to get up at 7:30 this morning. I don't think I'll do that very often.
I finished reading "The Secret History" (Donna Tartt). I really liked that book. Now I have to find another one to read...
At the bar that Dane and his fellow philosophy students go to (and where I tag along to), there is this guy who always shows up, walking around with a polariod camera, with what I have come to believe is the best smile I've ever seen (Dane described it as a full-face smile). He nods at people he passes by and holds up the camera, waiting for someone to ask him to take their picture. Some day I will ask him to take mine. What I really want to do is ask him to sit down and have a beer with us. He just looks so interesting.

Of fucked-up pincards and burning trains and other signs of bad luck...

Found this great article on bbc that will make women all over the world happy: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/5341202.stm .

Yesterday I got lost in Woerden, trying to find the car shop where I had to take the Mercedes to get the tires fixed...
Then, I was trying to buy a train ticket to Utrecht with a bank card (which always takes about 5+ tries before it works for some reason), and after the second try, a little box appeared on the screen and I didn't read it but just pressed "yes", assuming it was giving me my ticket... Instead, the ticket machine sucked in my bank card and the screen returned to main menu. I couldn't get my card back! So, I called the number on the machine - out of order. I went to the help desk at the station - couldn't do anything about it. Finally, called Luuk and told him what happened (it's actually his card...I can't open an account here cause I'm foreign...), and he called the bank and saved the day. I just have to wait for a new card now. Ugh.
Some guy heard me talking to Luuk on the cell phone, and after I hung up he said to me, in perfect English, "So...how do you like Holland?" I laughed and told him this sort of stuff could happen to me anywhere...well, except for the getting lost thing, that happens here alot. We talked while we waited for the train (which was 15 min late because there was some train fire at the Utrecht station - gulp), and I smiled as we parted ways. People can be very friendly here, especially when they hear my horrible attempts at Dutch.
Dane might not move anymore... Happy me, but I feel bad for him - he was so excited. At least we found some nicer bars around Uithoorn that might make up for a bit of the loss...
Clarification: I see Luuk on weekends because he lives over two hours away. So, during the week, I find other people to entertain me. :)
Today, Ingrid tried to use her bankcard (which I had had to use yesterday to pay for the tires, and had no problems with or anything), and it was blocked. That generally only happens when you use the wrong pincode three times in a row, which I didn't, so it doesn't make any sense. I told Ingrid that they should stop letting me use stuff that they didn't want broken cause I seem to have a knack for that lately... I'm like a living, breathing form of bad luck.

A field of a thousand geese...

Yesterday, I passed two white horses with black spots. Their coats looked like dalmation fur... It was weird - I've never seen horses like that before.
While driving to Dane's, I passed a field full of hundreds of geese.
I also had almost all green lights. That was sweet. :)
Dane and I found a really cool bar in Uithoorn. Woulda been nice to know about it before. Now it doesn't matter, cause he's moving. Bastard. Now I will have to travel for 40 min any time I feel like hanging out with him. I can't believe he's deserting me. :p
This past weekend, Dane and I checked out a coffee shop in Amsterdam. That was interesting...
(I just realized how many times I mentioned Dane in this one blog...hmm...I need to make more friends...) (especially since he's leaving me...)
The boat I use to row across the canal has at least 6 spiders in it, two of which are huge. I've actually been able to display an amazing degree of calm while sitting in that boat everyday. I guess I can control my fears when it's absolutely necessary.
We have three huge cat's here. One likes to go to my room when I'm not there and sleep on my bed. I don't mind, because he also likes to wait for me at the dock at night and walks next to me as I go to the house. His company is greatly appreciated late at night when dodging spider webs and dark bushes. I like cats...

In memory of Fluffy

I went to Utrecht with Dane on Saturday night at we stayed at Liesbeth's. For the first time in months I went to church twice on Sunday...I would like to think it made up for missing church a couple times in the past few weeks, but I really didn't understand much except for one word that the pastor kept repeating in the evening service. Pastors have a way of mumbling and speaking too fast and using huge words that are completely impossible to translate quickly.
Liesbeth is refreshing - she's so full of energy and always happy. She is inevitably contagiously so, thus I felt much better by the end of Sunday night than I did all week. So, thank you my friend, for the much needed dose of cheer.
Last night, I took Dane home the long way, past the place where I live. The road is very narrow (for two cars to pass each other, we have to both go off the pavement just a bit), and curvy, winding along an equally confusing canal. I turned a corner just as a rabbit was jumping out of the bushes. The stupid thing ran straight toward the car, so even though I slowed down, I still ended up running over it! I have never hit an animal before, and even now I can feel the bump it made under the tires and the sickening feeling that hit my stomach as soon as I realized what had happened. On the way home I had to go the same way, and I saw the bunny still lying there, sprawled out and bloody, in the middle of the road. He looked like a pet, white and grey instead of the wild brown...some kid probably found his little "Fluffy" squashed on the road this morning as he was leaving for school and is now traumatized for life...

check this out...

sirenomelia: mermaid syndrome...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/5325082.stm

...today, continued...

Today was just one of those days...
After I got home, I tried to figure out what's up at the VU. I called, was told to call someone else, called him, was told to call the first place, etc. - got no where. Then, I was a little late to pick up Camiel, so I left immediately, drove to the town where he goes to school...and the tire popped. Seriously. So, I walked the rest of the way to the school (a few blocks). On the way there, I passed two guys sitting on the side walk, apparently on lunch break or something - they started whistling and talking to me, and pissed off as I was, I gave them some nasty looks. Got to the school. I looked for 5-10 min for this kid and could not find him. I got the teacher to help me, and finally we found him walking down the street looking for my car. First I gave him the harshest "don't ever do that again"talk that I could in Dutch, then the teacher did, and he ended up crying. Then, we walked back to the car and I started to change the tire. The jack was broken. Fuck. I looked around for anyone who could help me, and finally resorted to walking up to those guys mentioned earlier, kid in hand, and asked if I could borrow a jack. They looked at me first surprised, then kinda guiltily. The oldest (around 40s) made some comments about my clothes being dirty and then winked at me(fucker), and the youngest said he would help me. He turned out to be pretty nice, and got a jack. He started changing the tire, then his jack broke. (No kidding). He went to get another one, and finally, an hour after first getting there, the tire was switched. I got to the house and decided to go get a phone card so I can use a cell phone. Just as I was leaving, Ingrid came home. I told her about the card, she told me to use hers instead (being really nice and not getting mad about the tire). Then she handed me some mail. Great - my application to the VU was sent back to me. So, I went back to the VU right away, just before they closed. Found out that I need some paperwork from the town hall saying I am here legally (which originally I was told wouldn't be a problem and I could get it later). But I can't do that till Tuesday... and I can't start taking classes till I pay, which I can't do till Luuk signs the paper for me. So, great, at least I know what I need to do now. I went to Amsterdam centre to find the phone card, and the bloody phone refused to turn on. So, even that was a no go.
The highlight of my day was seeing a guy walk by with a t-shirt that read "There is no end to the list of things that could go wrong."
I smiled.

@#$% mornings!

Weird thing happened just now...I tried to get to my blog as usual, using the web address... kept saying it didn't exist! I googled it, couldn't find it. Went to blogspot.com, also said it didn't exist... Finally, I went to someone else's blog and took the link, and there it was. I was just on the brink of freaking out... but I survived...
Worse thing happened this morning. I took Camiel to school and the parking lot was full, so I had to parallel park. I am not so hot at that in an automatic, and in a stick it's just embarassing.. I tried to be very careful, moved slowly, checked all angles, etc, and just when I was congratulating myself on making it into such a tight spot, I heard a big bump, followed by the awful sound of scraping metal. What I didn't know was that the car I was driving has a hitch on the back, making the space available to me just a little bit smaller... I ended up knocking the license plate off the car behind me and ripping apart the plate holder.
Ok. So, not sooo bad. But, I had to run Camiel to class, and when I got back, there was a woman standing at the car looking very unhappy. Speaking out loud to her only made matters worse because she immediately saw that I am a foreigner, and at that moment I'm sure all negative impressions of Americans were running through her head (I should have told her I was Canadian...shit). After giving her my number, explaining a bit about the hitch and my inexperience with Dutch parking spots and apologizing a few times, etc, she was a little nicer and even smiled at me, so I hope that means we left on good terms. My aupair parents might not be smiling when they get the bill (which, I hope isn't too big...).
I guess it could be worse... As is, I think my pride was damaged the most.

Augh! I want to run through a field throwing rocks and screaming at the top of my lungs!

I'll just drink coffee instead.

Change in lifestyle...

I woke up last night to the sound of a screeching child...The two year old wanted to sleep with his parents, but they made him stay in his crib, so he screeched himself to sleep. My room is right above the kids' room...
Today I played peekaboo for 20min straight.
I also redid the same puzzle three times in a row. Some children's breadth of interest is...not so broad.
I haven't stalled the car since last week Tuesday. I also haven't had any close calls or caused any accidents... I'm even starting to enjoy driving a standard. And the road signs are starting to make sense.
The ringtone on the phone here is exactly the tune of a chorus to a song we sang in Mexico... "Las paz este con vosotros (x3), y con vosotros siempre, siempre este la paz!" (Carmela, you know it...). It's weird..I end up going through the whole song in my head the rest of the day after hearing it...
Madonna was in Amsterdam this weekend...Some Christian's stood outside the concert hall singing hymns and reading Bible verses. I don't know if I should be embarassed, applaud them, or simply not give a shit. Why people care, I don't understand. She does it solely for the shock effect, and reacting to it is to simply fall for her game. I must say, though, that choosing to sing while tied to a crucifix (of sorts) and with a crown of thorns placed on her head, is simply bad taste.
Meh.

Update...

My lungs are currently cleaning themselves out from the last few months total accumulation of tar... it's a very pleasant experience and I recommend to anyone who has not yet started smoking to do so, so that you might also have this pleasure.

It's been busy since I got here. I went to Groningen for a few days before coming to Woerdense Verlaat. In Groningen:
Wednesday: stayed up late, drank some good beer, watched "Sea of Love"(Al Pacino).
Thursday: stayed up late with Froukje and her friends for a girls-only-slumber-party (Luuk had to leave the house and find something to do with his friends...teehee!). We watched the entire BBC version of "Pride and Prejudice", drank wine, ate great snacks, and used facial masks. The party was interupted by the biggest non-tarantula spider I have ever seen in my life. It was as big as my hand for sure, and was crawling around on the wall in the living room, only ten feet away!!! Even in the midst of my own panic reactions, I couldn't help but be amused by the reaction of the group of girls. Every time the spider moved it was followed by a chorus of screams and each girl jumping further away from the spider. Eventually we all ended up on some sort of furniture, and yelling that someone should kill it. No one would at first, then one girl tried and only managed to knock it off the wall onto the floor where we couldn't see it any more (which is way worse than actually having it right in front of you). Finally, Froukje called Luuk and his friends (who weren't too far away), and they came to our rescue, laughing at us the entire time. We finished our movie and went to bed, dreaming of spiders and Mr. Darcy...
Friday: I watched my first theatre production in Holland. It was on the roof of a parking building, outdoors. It was a combined production between a British and a Dutch theatre, and was half in English and half in Dutch. Quite perfect for my first...
Saturday: Luuk and I finally made it to the Martinie Tower (which is where he was going to propose to me but couldn't cause it happened to be too windy that day). Climbing up was a bitch and I realized just how out of shape I am. Last year someone commited suicide, or fell off, or was thrown off, depending on who you ask... it's a long drop. On the way down, we got to watch the ringing of the bells. It took six men to play the chorus! That night we watch "Volver", a Spanish film with Penelope Cruz, at a European film theatre...I recommend it.
Sunday: slept in. Then came to Woerdense Verlaat, had coffee with my new aupair family, and went to bed.
Monday: Up at 7:30! And so it will be every week day for the rest of the year... Egh...
Wednesday: Found out that I might as well have worked for four years to earn 30,000 dollars to buy a horses ass with "diploma"stamped on it and showed that to the Free University, for all my bachelor's degree is worth in the Dutch academic world... If I want to do a master's in psychology at the Free University, I will have to do two out of the three-year bachelor program first. I will not suffer you with my reaction to that...

I have been driving alot, so I'm getting much better. Yesterday I think I kinda caused a teeny tiny little accident when I turned a little late and made the motor cycle, which was trying to pass me on the right, slam on the brakes and slide on the wet pavement. We didn't notice right away, and then it was too late to stop.
The kids are cute, but sometimes difficult, and I can't talk in Dutch to them very well, which makes it more difficult. It's only been two days though, so I shouldn't be so impatient. It takes a while to get used to a new person, especially when that person is allowed to tell you what to do...

Anyway, that's an update on my life. Now I have to finish my coffee and pick up the oldest from school. I still haven't learned to use the motorraft thing, so I have to row across the canal, which is humurous, I promise....
So, cheers to you all. Enjoy classes or whatever it is that you happen to be doing this week...
Ciao.

My sleep patterns are so messed up...

I found out that the Dutch word "fokken" means "to breed". So, someone who breeds animals would be called a "fokker". Last night I had to hold back any display of amusement while listening to Luuk's grandmother talk about her cousin, (who happens to share my last name and she thinks might be related to my family, and should definately check on) who is a breeder. Every time she talked about him it started with, "My cousin, Meneer van der Ploeg, the fokker."

I am now very curious about her cousin, the fokker.

Yesterday, to satisfy the curiousity of Luuk's parents (who seemed to be more worried about it than I), we met my aupair family. They seem to be everything I expected - easy going, super nice, relaxed, laidback, good to chat with, etc. Their kids are adorable, all really blonde boys. And their house is cute. It used to be a farmhouse, I think. In the past seven years they've done alot of fixing up, so outside it still looks old and quaint, but the inside it colourful and very modern. Their bathroom is incredible! I can't wait to use the shower! The best part of the whole deal, however, is getting to the house itself. They live on the otherside of a canal. The only way to the house is on a footpath over a small bridge down the road, or on either a rowboat or motorized raft.
Yes.
Everyday, I have to take three little kids across the canal in a little boat to get to the car to take the oldest to school. Crazy.
Oh, another note on the house...It's out in the country, surrounded by pastures, canals, and cows (beautiful), and they have a nice garden behind the house. All along the paths and in the grass are the biggest snails I've ever seen. And, between almost every single bush and tree, gigantic spiderwebs full of incredibly disgusting spiders.
Fuck.

Bittersweet

Goodbyes are over. The flight was long. I cried for five seconds on the way to the airport, then distracted myself with the business of traveling. Dane and I got a massage at the airport in Chicago, to pass time. It was amazing. American Airlines has ridiculously small seats, which makes an 8hr flight seems twice as long. I started to feel sad again at some point on that flight, and cried again. Dane was nice enough to pretend not to notice. I looked out the window and watched the most beautiful sunrise I've ever seen. There was no land to be seen, only sky, clouds, and water. The clouds changed from purple to red to gold...each phase just as wonderful as the last...I just wanted to jump out of the plane and float around in them. Now I am in Holland. Luuk's family is trying very hard to make me feel welcome and part of the family, a gesture that is greatly appreciated. Seeing Luuk again was somewhat strange, actually, but very good. I think the idea that this time it's not just a visit is affecting the way I see things here. Hugs are amazingly comforting. And I'm getting enough hugs to make up for the past 8 months... It's good to be here. I can't wait till it feels like home...

past midnight...

i don't want to go to bed because that means the morning will come alot sooner and i'm not quite ready for it yet...

the other day i took a short nap. i was in that happy state between asleep and awake, where you are still aware of where you are but you aren't quite conscious. then i realized that i was walking on some dark street. i came upon a squished animal that looked like a raccoon, plastered to the road. i stood over it, looking at it. suddenly it lifted its head and looked at me with large, black, shiny eyes and snarled at me. then i woke up, my heart practically popping out of my chest.

i'm listening to the flaming lips...i like them.

dane is writing a song about a dead squirrel found on the road...

still don't want to go to bed...

Life is life...

One more day in this country.
Holy shit.
The past two weeks have been filled with late nights, lots of alcohol, too much smoking, and making memories. (Hehe, I almost wrote mamories...nice...)
Tomorrow I will spend most of my day packing, and probably doing alot of swearing when it doesn't all fit...
Four years ago, roughly around this time of year, I was coming to Dordt for the first time. Now, I'm leaving. I am not entirely sure the magnitude of this move has quite registered.

Camping was fun. It rained both nights...we didn't all have a tent, but since it was warm enough we figured sleeping under the stars would work just fine. Waking up at 4 or 5 each morning to move to the van was...interesting. Usually it consisted of me not noticing that I was soaking wet, and finally waking up to someone poking me and telling me to move... We swam in the river on Saturday, and our clothes smelled like ass, but it was worth it.

I realized tonight that I do actually like some margaritas. And the coconut shrimp I ate was divine. It was a good night.

Josh, I bought a Tom Waits cd, and thought of you. The picture of him on the cover actually looks alot like you. Crazy.

Cancer stick time.
:)

Fun!

To all who are still in the area (and those who might want to come down for a visit):

-next week Wednesday, 6pm, at "The House of General Debauchery", potluck (aka: bring your own food and beer)

- August 11, 12, possibly 13th, camping at Palisades; same house, 6pm; bring any tents, food, drinks you have...

My nose tickles...

As I near the end of my time here, I find myself freaking out a little bit and becoming less comfortable with the idea of moving while at the same time becoming more excited about going... does that make sense?
I am glad that Dane is going, and that some of you will be coming later...I don't have to leave my Dordt life behind quite yet... However, I do believe that never will I find a place where people will show up at all hours of the night to sit in our garage or living room talking for hours about the meaning of "calling" or whether "Death Cab for Cutie" sold out...or decide randomly to take an hour long trip some where just to eat at a nice restaurant.
Phil, Dane, and I had a great roommate-bonding-moment a few days ago, when we went to Sioux City and each got a piercing... Dane needs a slightly larger earring and he'd look like a pirate. Phil worries too much about what his parents will think of his cartilege piercing... and my nose piercing tickles and makes me have to sneeze all the time. It's fun though. The guy that did it for us was from Calgary. And the girl that started up the shop is from Progreso, which is less than 30min from where I lived in Mexico. Small world...
I have over five bruises, big painful ones, all over my legs... and I can't help but poke at them compulsively just to see if they still hurt. Of course, they still do, and I each time I do it I yelp and swear, yet I continue to do it... Why is that?