@#$%!!!

Damn it. This computer. It just erased a post I just wrote. 
Attempt 3 (yes, that's right...third attempt...lucky for you, it's shorter).

I feel drunk. 
It started last night. I went to the bar with Dane anyway. But even one beer was a bad idea. 
I felt as if I stayed in that smokey room any longer, I'd get sick.
The cat bit me again yesterday. I started to think this feeling was the result - maybe I got tetanus.
My jaw even started to feel stiff. That could be a result of constantly stretching it to see if it still
worked.
I don't have tetanus.
Driving home was surreal, taking the curves in the dark, with only the headlights to help me 
keep my balance. In my head, a dream from a few nights ago replayed over and over. 
In the dream I crash into the canal and almost drown before I'm saved from a friend of mine from Mexico. He died last year. In a car accident. 
Sleep didn't help. I woke up dizzy and off balance. The feeling is more dull now, but
if I turn to fast I have to steady myself or I'll fall over.
It's foggy out and I have to drive to Amsterdam. Probably not a good idea. 
Oh well.
I will pretend that I am late to GEN300 with the effects of last night's party still wearing off.
Cheers. 

That cat's aren't allowed in at night

It's almost 20*C outside today. This week has been full of record breaking temperatures.
Nice. 
Not so good though, in the bigger picture...
I took Jules and Raoul on a long walk. On the way we passed a house that we walk by everytime
we go on a walk. An old lady lives there and shealways waves at us from her window. 
Today she came out and offered me some coffee and Jules some milk. At first I was skeptical
(never met her, why's she offering me coffee?) but she was friendly, so we went in. There were three cats in the kitchen, sitting in front of a small stove heater. They are allowed in the kitchen, she said, but not in the rest of the house. She doesn't mind if they come in during the day, but at night they make a mess and she prefers they stay outside. She told me about her space heaters, which are strategically placed around her very small house, keeping it almost unbearably warm. She pointed out that
the heater in the old fireplace is broken because it used to look like real fire and it only heats but 
doesn't look nice. She should have someone come and fix it. It used to look like real wood burning. It was so pretty. She showed me her bedroom, also very small, and proudly pointed out that 
the space heaters keep the whole house warm, and there is one in the kitchen that uses oil, and 
the one in the living room that is in the old fire place gives warmth but is broken and doesn't look 
pretty any more. Her house is small, she said, but that is good because it is just her now. Her husband died a long time ago. He was a very good man. Her daughter lives next door though. Her daughter buys her her groceries so that she doesn't have to cross the canal in the boat. That is nice, because she is old. She's been here since she was 38 and now she is 88 years old. Her husband died a long time ago, but her daughter lives next door. She doesn't get too lonely. And some boys live close by. They used to visit, but now they go to school.
Did I want coffee? Yes, that would be nice, thank you. Oh, she is out of milk. Coffee without milk is no good - she didn't want it either. Perhaps another time. Her daughter was out buying groceries right then, she does that for her you know.
A cat walked into the room and she kicked lightly at him, telling him to go back 
to the kitchen. They are allowed in during the day, she said, but not at night because she can't watch them and make sure they don't make a mess. They like to sit in front of the heaters though, so she lets them in to warm up a bit. The cats do actually sit right in front of the heater in the kitchen, I noticed, they sit straight, chin up, belly facing the stove. I looked back at the lady, she had a huge grin on her face as she looked at Raoul, sleeping 
strapped to my chest. She touched his cheek and told me about her grandkids. They used to come around alot, but now they have school. She looked sad. She commented that his cheeks were cold. Good thing she has so many heaters, she said. They are very warm; the one in the kitchen uses oil, and the one in the living room by the fireplace used to look pretty but it's borken. She should get someone to fix it, but at least it still keeps her warm. 
Did the little boy want a cookie? Some boys live next door and and they used to come over a lot. But now they don't. They have school and friends and other things that keep them busy. It's too bad. But, her daughter lives next door. She brings her her groceries. Today she is getting more milk. Did I want coffee? No, that would be nice, but perhaps another time. Oh. Ok. 
I should go, I said. Oh, that is too bad. I should stop by some other time, because she doesn't know many people around here. She's from some other town. She just moved here and doesn't know anyone. But her daughter lives next door. Her husband used to live here, but he is dead now. He was a good man. Oh, the cat is in the living room. He likes it here, you know, because it is warm. Except, the heater in the living room is broken.
Well, thank you for the visit, I said. Perhaps I will see you again. Yes, that would be nice.
We left, and she closed the door behind us, with a huge smile on her face. I could hear her scolding the cats as we walked away.
I wish I knew her name.

Weekend.

My mom called on Thursday to make sure I wasn't depressed cause I was spending thanksgiving by myself. Heh? Thanksgiving? Oh, yeah. I forgot. Weird. Well...not really. It wasn't usually a huge deal in Mexico. Cept, we did get together with fellow missionaries for a huge meal. But we did that regularly enough that it didn't feel particularly different, I suppose.
Hung out with Liesbeth last night, stayed up till almost 4am. Had 4 beers and that was enough to give me a headache this morning. That, or I've been getting migraines my whole life but don't know that that's what those headaches really are. Or I have a tumor that's gonna start growing out the side of my head. I'm tempted to get a diagnosis. Today it was so bad I cried. I felt like such a baby. Luuk gave me a head massage. Very nice. I recommend it.
Liesbeth's new bf is sweet, good for her. But, I'm biased. He reminds me a bit of Luuk. Can't help but think he's cool then.
I am going to watch Memento now. Apparently it's a good movie. Never heard of it. Hmm. I hope it's good.

Nederengels

It's hailing right now. 
Not big hail, just little chunks of ice, 
but enough to make the roof rattle and the windows sound like they are about to crack.
I just set the coffee pot on and now the kitchen smells good. 
Like coffe. 
The kids are at school and the neighbors, so I have the house to myself. 
What will I do with my free time? 
Drink coffee, eat something, read blogs, wait till it's time to pick up Camiel.
Today I have my first practicum assignment.
I won't bore you with the details, but getting into a group was a mess.
Now that I am in one (kinda thrown in as an extra) 
my schedule isn't making it particularly easy to be much help. 
Ah well. It will work out.
I am beginning to wonder if I really am seriously affected by the weather. 
I joked about it alot before, but never really believed it. 
But then, I have a zillion logical explanations for feeling a bit down 
(lack of sleep, bad weather, need exercise, change does this, etc.).
None of it makes a difference.
I'm getting tired of translating all the time in my head.
Literally - it's exhausting.
I'm go drink coffee.
Cheers.

 Shit. There is something wrong with blogger...When I write, instead of fitting to the screen, the words just keep going till I press "enter"...so they end up off the page. So, I'm making each sentence a new line. Pff. Except for this paragraph...That worked fine. WTF. Egh. I give up.

What was I thinking?

going to a foreign country completely unprepaired financially.
finding a job as an au pair in the middle of no where.
spending money a bit too freely.
forgetting to pay for parking, resulting in a 47euro ticket.
not keeping track of my phone calls, resulting in a ridiculous cellphone bill (about which my wonderful fiancé, who was paying for it, is not too happy...)
not finding out exactly what is required for my current course at the VU.
assuming the VU would work out well.
assuming this would be easy...

what the hell was i thinking?

My head feels like a balloon loaded with lead...

this weekend:
- planned on taking 12:44pm train; would have worked if Camiel's class wasn't the last one out (15min late!), the neighbor's had opened the door right away (instead of leaving us standing there waiting for 5 min), and the fucking semi hadn't pulled out in front of me (cutting me off) and then driven 10km below speed limit, all causing me to miss the train by one minute (it was leaving the station as I parked the car...). ah well. i got to Groningen an hour late. it happens. alot, around here.
-was surprised at the station by Luuk, who was carrying 23 roses. :) (and who had been expecting me an hour before, but since he lost his cellphone, thought i went to his place, biked home, found out i'd called a zillion times to tell him i'd be late, biked back, and caught me just before i was ready to leave. cell phones are the most wonderful, helpful invention, i've decided.)
- used one of my movie gift certificates: watched "Babel" (very good!)
- the movie theatre: the kinda place that people who love movies but hate popcorn, crying kids, and blockbusters go; contains a classy (though not overpriced) restaurant and a bar; promotes european, cult, and independent films; red carpet, wide stairways, candle-lit, low lighting, classy atmosphere; extra bonus: less expensive than other theatres. nice.
- beat Luuk at Settlers (the card game...)
- slept in till 12 on Saturday
- woke up Sunday with Luuk's cold
- was ready to take the 8:17pm train last night (so I'd be home by 11pm), when a train broke down between Groningen and the next station, stopping all train traffic for hours; had to take the bus to the next station; a normally 15min train ride took almost 60min by bus; ended up taking different train (the one that stops at every station instead of going straight through); got home at 12:30am.
- waking up this morning sucked
- i did sleep very well last night (!)

Last night, "My Utmost for His Highest", topic was the new life after Christ and experiencing grace. I suddenly realized what part of my problem is: I have never had that black/white old-life/new-life difference. I grew up in a Christian home, can remember at least 5times praying ("this time for real, cause last time I didn't mean it!") for salvation, but cannot remember ever not believing in God... My life is really a series of old and new lives, neither of them really that different from the last. How do you see grace when you cannot compare it to lack of grace in your own life?

There's something clinking in the dryer...

Tuesday, went to HUKA bar with Dane. Tried new flavour: orange. Not bad. While smoking, the man with the smile from Dulac Bar came in, asking if we wanted pictures. I asked if I could take one of him with my camera. Had to explain that a couple times. In several languages. Finally, got picture with the smile man. When I told him I liked his smile, he smiled. Bigger than usual. He shook my hand before he left.
The cat attacked my ankles again today. Fucking cat. He made me bleed. I used to love him. But now I cannot enjoy his presence because I am watching him the whole time to make sure he's not preparing to pounce. He always waits till that second that I'm not watching. He's smart. Takes me longer to respond with a good kick. Today I threw him outside. And we were getting along so well...
I got a package from my parents today: books and chocolate from Mexico that is used for drinks. Best present yet. Though, Froukje promised to get me underwear. That's always nice.
The other day, I somehow managed to get a gigantic sliver in my finger. (K, so it wasn't that big, but you'd think it was by how much it hurt!). Took forever to get out. Now I have a scab under my skin. Weird.
I'm reading "Mere Christianity". CSLewis, brilliant. Maybe this will help...
Take it easy, all. Enjoy the weekend. I'm sleeping as much as I can! Oh, so exciting!

Er is iemand jarig, hoera hoera!

I got up at 7am today, half an hour earlier than normal. Not my idea, btw. Though, I should learn to think a bit more like Joshua who said that he liked to get up before sunrise on his birthday and stay up until he couldn't keep his eyes open anymore so he could enjoy his day for as long as possible. I'm more content with sleeping and being lazy all day, but I like the positive outlook...it's a nice thought.
The kids came into the kitchen singing a song in Dutch that they didn't know (so it was more like every fifth word of the song as their dad sang in the background), each carrying a present and a huge grin. Very sweet. :)
Watched "The Little Mermaid" and "Finding Nemo" today with Jule (no reason for the undersea theme...just happened).
Drank too much coffee, made myself a super delicious salad (there is an incredible assortment of cheese in this country, goes really well with salad!), and took the kids on a walk even though it was kinda foggy today... The weather makes me feel like I'm in a Brontë novel.
My ring is too big for my finger suddenly and keeps flipping upside down which is really uncomfortable and annoying.
I'm going to Amsterdam to walk around and wait for Dane to get out of class cause it just seems like a better idea than sitting here. I feel like treating myself to a nice dinner...but eating alone seems too lonely for tonight. I'll content myself with being somewhere outside of the house, surrounded by adults (albeit, strangers).
Later we are smoking a huka (fuck the spelling...).
Ciao.

I listened to Bright Eyes three times in a row and smiled like I was on drugs the whole time...

Oh Ann. You're such a heretic. That's why I love you. :)

I've been thinking all week about what I wrote in my last posts, all your responses, and other blogs that I've read...but I really don't know what to think of it all, nothings really changed much, and I can't put my thoughts into comprehensible words, so I'm just gonna let this subject be for a while... I think what I want most is a night of wine and conversation till 4am to help me figure this all out or to confuse me more - I'd be happy with either actually.

It's fall. The leaves are finally starting to change colour and drop, I can see my breath in the mornings, my hands almost freeze off when I have to row in the morning mist or drizzle, and the spiders have disappeared. The other day it was so windy that (no joke) I was rowing as hard as I could and still sat in exactly the same place in the middle of the canal for 2 whole minutes before the wind took a break long enough for me to cross to the other side. I was starting to fear that I'd never make it... That was exciting.

I started a new course at the VU. Got lost, sat in the wrong class for 15 min before realizing that it was Logistics and not Research Methods, got lost again, walked into the right class finally 30 min late, of course through the door at the front of the class instead of the one in the back... Nice.