Perhaps you are right Gabe... I have been churched all my life, have had so much religion and theology, have seen too much politics behind the scenes...it's all become too complicated.
The thing I struggle the most with when it comes to worshipping God is not whether other's are sincere or not - I'm sure many/most of them are, even the people leading the service. It's just that it seems so meaningless. That's the thing - they are all sincerely duped. And yet, I'm jealous.These songs that we sing, especially the mantras with little depth to them, annoy me because they are words that I do not feel or think. There are few songs that when I mouth the words I am actually singing - know what I mean? When I pray in church, at the designated time during the service in the designated area of the building, I feel as if I am just following directions to participate in something that is supposed to make me feel good about myself....
Or rather, it's a huge play, where we all have our part and know our lines, but outside of the stage it means nothing.
Actually, that's what it comes down to I think... I cannot play on stage what for me does not exist beyond it.
This comes not from a lack of desire for God - I have this ache, this empty feeling that accompanies me... It's akin to missing someone you love more than anyone else in the world, yet more dull, more constant. It's frustrating. Occasionally, overwhelming. Mostly, I am numb.
I cannot pray, not in the normal sense of the word. I have mini, one-sided-conversations with God throughout the day. As if I'm talking to myself, but really its to Him. My journal is the only place where I can feel remotely close to Him, perhaps because it is more concrete, the words are right before me and even if He does not see them they have been recorded somewhere at least.
That's it: I am insignificant. All this "Jesus is your best friend" stuff...never understood it. I want to buy it, but really I know it's silly. Yes, He loves us, we are His people... but individually? to care for every little thing that happens to us? I can understand love for His people as a whole, but not personally.
I don't want to act (or be) sincere in one place when I really don't believe that there exists the possibility of this special relationship with God in any other place. How do you approach someone you don't think is listening?
Yet, the crazy thing is, I still act everyday as if I do (journaling, talking to Him, etc.), as if it's just in case. Or maybe I do believe it though rationally I can't allow myself to. So then maybe there is simply something about church that emphasizes my own contradiction in beliefs, perhaps the formality of the situation (much like actually purposely praying or doing devotions) sticks me in the awkward situation of making my secret beliefs confront my rationale.
Ugh. I really don't know myself.
Fuck it. I'm done with this for now...
7 comments:
I call the soft music that happens during prayer to signify that the pray-er is very earnest tinkle-tinkle music.
we share the same struggle, amanda.
it helps me to remember that wrestling with god is an experience as true as the most cheesily and earnestly sung p&w song.
I feel quite the same. Especially with the random mumblings throughout the day, and that "just in case" sentiment.
I wish I was smarter and could tell you how to get past it, but I really have no idea.
You'll be happy to know that, in my opinion, "Jesus is your best friend" IS a load of crap. It doesn't say he's our BFF anywhere in the Bible. Oh dear. I sound very heretical right now. I'll explain myself later.
Anyways, I listened to your phone message about 3 times and haven't brought myself to delete it yet. What is your phone #? I miss you. xxx.ann.
I find it strange that I rarely read the Bible or pray and yet I feel moved to make a difference in the world of ministry.
I still feel moved to tears at the tales of sacrifice, and as you said envy those that seem to have sincere conviction maybe we're desperately trying to convince ourselves of an untruth or perhaps the truth is hidden within us with only traces coming to the surface.
good post, very honest
Ann, I think I agree with you. I've always thought, or I guess thought for a while now, that we try to personalize God too much by making him our buddy while forgetting we are supposed to revere and fear him. In fact, in theology we have been discussing this and Prof. Lief said something about how one form of idolatry is trying to make God into what we want him to be, or think of him as what we wish he was... I think that's what people do by buddying up Jesus and saying all that crap about God being the lovey dovey huggle daddy...
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