yesterday, cont.

Perhaps you are right Gabe... I have been churched all my life, have had so much religion and theology, have seen too much politics behind the scenes...it's all become too complicated.

The thing I struggle the most with when it comes to worshipping God is not whether other's are sincere or not - I'm sure many/most of them are, even the people leading the service. It's just that it seems so meaningless. That's the thing - they are all sincerely duped. And yet, I'm jealous.
These songs that we sing, especially the mantras with little depth to them, annoy me because they are words that I do not feel or think. There are few songs that when I mouth the words I am actually singing - know what I mean? When I pray in church, at the designated time during the service in the designated area of the building, I feel as if I am just following directions to participate in something that is supposed to make me feel good about myself....
Or rather, it's a huge play, where we all have our part and know our lines, but outside of the stage it means nothing.
Actually, that's what it comes down to I think... I cannot play on stage what for me does not exist beyond it.
This comes not from a lack of desire for God - I have this ache, this empty feeling that accompanies me... It's akin to missing someone you love more than anyone else in the world, yet more dull, more constant. It's frustrating. Occasionally, overwhelming. Mostly, I am numb.
I cannot pray, not in the normal sense of the word. I have mini, one-sided-conversations with God throughout the day. As if I'm talking to myself, but really its to Him. My journal is the only place where I can feel remotely close to Him, perhaps because it is more concrete, the words are right before me and even if He does not see them they have been recorded somewhere at least.
That's it: I am insignificant. All this "Jesus is your best friend" stuff...never understood it. I want to buy it, but really I know it's silly. Yes, He loves us, we are His people... but individually? to care for every little thing that happens to us? I can understand love for His people as a whole, but not personally.
I don't want to act (or be) sincere in one place when I really don't believe that there exists the possibility of this special relationship with God in any other place. How do you approach someone you don't think is listening?
Yet, the crazy thing is, I still act everyday as if I do (journaling, talking to Him, etc.), as if it's just in case. Or maybe I do believe it though rationally I can't allow myself to. So then maybe there is simply something about church that emphasizes my own contradiction in beliefs, perhaps the formality of the situation (much like actually purposely praying or doing devotions) sticks me in the awkward situation of making my secret beliefs confront my rationale.

Ugh. I really don't know myself.

Fuck it. I'm done with this for now...

i wish i had a river i could float away on...the canal has no current and i don't feel like rowing...

-i've lost 5kilos since i've been here. thats not a good thing. my pants don't fit as well anymore.
-thursday i had a test at 8:45am, which meant i had to get up at 6 to get ready, row across the canal, drive to the station, take the train, and be at the VU in time. the test was in dutch. i got to use a dutch-english dictionary. it took me an hr longer than most students. i felt smart.
- wednesday night jules woke up at 4a.m. and cried for an hour. i couldn't put my pillow over my head cause i had to hear my alarm at 6, so finally i went downstairs, told him to be quiet, made him lay back down, rubbed his back, and he fell asleep. i felt like super nanny. until 6a.m. came around. then i just felt like crap.
- thursday, after my test, i drank too much coffee, not enough water, smoked hookah for a couple of hours, had a couple of beers, then promptly got sick. crackers helped.
- fish for supper when you feel sick is not a good idea.
-fri/saturday i went to a conference at a baptist church, in dutch, with luuk. it was good, i think. something about masculinity/femininity and men and women in relationship to each other and God.
- i'm much to cynical for my own good. friday night, after the sermon, we had a time of prayer. during this prayer we could partake of communion (which consisted of standing in a line, walking to a table, taking turns drinking out of a little glass and eating a cracker of sorts), kneel in front of a cross, and/or go to a corner and be prayed for by the elders. the entire time someone played some soft churchy music in the background. i did take communion, but it felt empty. then i sat back down. i fought the urge to pray or let the atmosphere affect me in anyway. why i fought it, i can't say exactly. it had something to do with thinking the music was stupid, that they were just trying to manipulate our emotions, that the communion really was just an efficient way to get through a symbolic act, that the cross was a way to make yourself look humble, and that i'd feel incredibly uncomfortable having some stranger pray for me about something personal. mostly, i felt that if i did participate, pray, or cry (as others around me were) or whatever else i could let happen, i would have simply allowed myself to be duped.
- where do i go from here?

strikes and gutters

This weekend was good. Luuk's parents had a big birthday party, since they both have birthdays in Oct. and they both hit a "big 5" - one 55, the other 50. And they never got around to throwing a 25th anniversary party, so that was also kinda sorta a reason.
We all dressed up. Ate great food. Kissed alot of cheeks (three kisses per person...the Mexican way is much easier, just one kiss). At the end people sang songs, read poems, and did a couple plays about the birthday couple - super funny stuff! Kinda like Canadian weddings. I was dragged into singing a song with the siblings and respective better-halves, in Dutch, in front of everybody. Luckily, Luuk's sisters have powerful singing voices and mine wouldn't have been heard anyway, so stumbling over the words was not too big of a deal. Pretty sure my face was red the entire time. Ah well.
After that, went to René's bday party, stayed till 3am, biked home for half an hour, almost fell asleep on the couch, then went to bed. Woke up when Mirjam's alarm went off, then dreamed about the song she'd set her alarm to until I woke up at 1pm.
Periods suck. Especially on weekends. At parties. Or while biking.
Sorry...did I share too much?
But seriously. They suck. And cramps are from the devil. I'm pretty sure that women got the worse end of the deal after the fall.
I prefer the ovulation stage.
Luuk and I are starting a movie collection, kinda by accident. We've been buying good movies when they cost less than 5euros. It's a quickly growing collection.
I don't want to go back to WV (woerdense verlaat). Every Sunday its the same though. I dread going back...but once I'm there, its not that bad, and the week goes relatively fast...so I shouldn't complain. This week will be even shorter - I'm off on Thursday. :)

"The Spirit of God witnesses to the redemption of our Lord, and to nothing else. He cannot witness to our reason. We are inclined to mistake the simplicity that comes from our natural commonsense decisions for the witness of the Spirit, but the Spirit witnesses only to His own nature, and to the work of redemption, never to our reason. If we are trying to make Him witness to our reason, it is no wonder that we are in darkness and uncertainty. Throw it all overboard, trus in Him, and He will give you the witness of the Spirit." - Oswald Chambers

Not sure yet what exactly I think of that. It strikes a chord somewhere, though.

Me siento un poco...perdida.

I listened to Sigur Ros for the first time since I've been here. It's strange how music can create such strong feelings and bring up such clear memories...
It made me miss the House of Common Debauchery. And all who associate with it.
I sat in the car for an extra ten minutes after parking by the house. It's the only place I can listen to music. I don't have a cdplayer here.
The neighbors give me funny looks when I sit there sometimes. I just close my eyes- if I can't see them, I forget that they can see me.

Who wants to read about one of my dreams?

So, the details are kinda fuzzy, but here's what I remember:
I'm in some field somewhere. Then, it slowly turns to rocky desert. Out of a bush jumps this gigantic rat, the size of a large cat. It's heading toward me with sharp teeth dripping with spit. Gross. I pick up a stick, ready to fight it off, knowing full well that it is too big and I'm going to die. Suddenly, a tall, shirtless, muscular, tan, long-haired man (the kind you see on dirty romance novel covers) jumps out from behind a large rock and fights the rat off. Then, he proceeds to actually pick me up, sweep me off my feet, and walk away with me in his arms, long hair blowing in the wind. And I sit there staring at this strange man's face, thinking "I can't wait to tell Luuk this story because he'll think its hilarious". Then I wake up up cause I'm laughing in my sleep.
I'm starting to wonder if I need some sort of therapy, cause if that is one of my unconscious desires, there is seriously something wrong with me.

Why the hell did God create mosquitos anyway? I think, just to torture us for our sins...

I fell asleep last night at 10ish while studying...had lots of really weird, random, sometimes freaky dreams...woke up to the sound of buzzing in my ear. My pinky itched too. I turned on the light and looked on the wall above my bed - 4 mosquitoes resting there, waiting to make their next plunge. I got up and ran around my room in my underwear trying to kill the stupid things. I had left the trap door to my room open, so they were all over the place. I got a few of them, but lost the others. Went back to bed and then looked at the clock. I have a traveler's clock, so one side shows American time, the other European...I looked at the American side, saw that it was 6 and decided that I might as well stay awake until 7:30 instead of going back to sleep since I wasn't tired. I started writing in my journal, then studied a bit. Then, I looked at the clock again and realized that actually I'd looked at the wrong side and now it was 2:30a.m. in Holland.
Brilliant.
So, I tried to sleep again, waking up 15 min later to more buzzing.
Hunted mosquitos for 10 min.
Went back to bed.
More buzzing.
Repeated process.
Finally slept with my head under the blankets - fighting the mosquitos was useless. Instead, I fought spiders again in my sleep.
I woke up exhausted to the joyful sounds of Camiel screaming that he didn't want to wear a particular shirt. There's nothing like waking up to the sound of crying children.
I told Ingrid this morning that I will be studying full-time next year, and since its been a bit of a bitch to fit studying in my nanny-schedule, I will not be an au pair next year. She wasn't surprised.
Anybody interested in an aupair position for next year? :)
Now I have to find some other source of income for next year.
Fuck. It's amazing how limited my options are here... Ok. Amazing is definately not the right word. None of you happen to be secretly rich and overly generous, do you?
Bummer.

apologies...

that post with the lame title... really long.
should i feel bad?
meh.

(i'm bored.)

(can you tell?)

good news

i past my statistics test, first try. sweet. :p

I wish I could think of a clever title...but I can't.

Non-alcoholic beer when ordered by accident is an unpleasant suprise.
I'd rather knowingly drink a full glass of pee.
Ok. Maybe not.
But it was gross.
The bartender laughed at Dane and I when we told him we didn't know.
Pff.

11%alcohol combined with incredible flavor in the bottle of an unknown type of beer is a very pleasant surprise.
'Cept when you have to drive.
I'm sure Dane didn't mind helping me finish it.

The kids were super crabby this morning. I woke up to the lovely sounds of a tempertantrum, followed by the younger-brother's-imitation-of-the-older-brother-tempertantrum. This continued through breakfast.
I think when I have kids, I will spank them.
Or just send them to their room forever when I don't want to deal with them any more.

My parents bought a puggle for my younger sisters. I'm not sure if thats a pug-poodle mix or a pug-beagle mix. Personally, I'm hoping for pug-poodle. The mental picture is amusing.
They thought of several food and drink related names but Kayla didn't like the idea of naming her puppy after food. She picked the name Kahlua. I'm not supposed to tell her what that really is...

Yesterday, I watched Dr. Phil. I hate that guy usually. But he actually gave some good advice yesterday, and I was starting to like him. Then he wrapped up with some great take-home advice: "You just need to find your true self. Figure out who you really are." What does that mean, anyway???
I remember now why I hated him.

I miss stars.
It was misty this morning again. I could have stared at the sun through the fog if I wanted to - it was a small yellow circle. It hurt my eyes though.
Fog makes sunrises particularly fantastical.

the phobia

last night i had dinner with liesbeth in utrecht. great place, books and candles everywhere, nostalgic atmosphere (if that makes sense), and of course, good food. only downside - i was cutting my food and i saw some movement on the table to my left. there, heading toward my plate was a medium sized spider. i backed away from the table, almost knocking over a waitress standing behind me. liesbeth saw the look of panic on my face but couldn't figure out what was wrong. i managed to maintain my calm, being in the middle of a busy restaurant, and not wanting a spider on my plate or near my lap, i quickly squished it with my napkin. then i sat there for two minutes with this squished spider in hand, trying to figure out where to dispose of it, as a series of emotions crossed my face and liesbeth laughed at me. i gave my napkin to a waitress, told her what was in it, and she held it away from her body as she took it to a garbage can. then liesbeth and i exchanged spider-phobia experiences. for the rest of the night i imagined that every hair that moved on my neck or every itch on my leg was a spider, amusing liesbeth with my constant twitching and panicked hand-slapping.
do i have more experiences with spiders than most people? or do i simply remember them better because i fear them?

I feel like I've seen this news before...

Weird how history (even recent history) seems to repeat itself. When I watch BBC, I constantly am haunted by deja vu.
Titanic is on tv. I hated that movie. Except for the whole sinking of the ship - that part was cool. Love story, worthless.
The other day a swan stepped into the road in front of me as I was driving. I slowed down enough to watch him slowly cross the road and jump into the canal. There are swans, blue and grew herons (sp?), and numerous ducks and geese all over the place here...The duck I crossed paths with Thursday night after getting lost, driving an extra 1.5hrs, speeding to get home before 2am (which didn't happen), did not fare quite so well. The lights on my car are not very bright, so suddenly (as i sped down the road at an impressive 90kph) I saw this beautiful emerald head turn to look curiously at me just before the shock registered on his cute little duck face and he was hit head on by and equally shocked me...The first loud thump was followed by the sound of him rolling around under the car. He didn't roll under the wheels though, so there is a slight hope that he survived. I almost cried. :(
I missed Carmela's bday. I'm bummed. It sounded like fun.
Luuk commented to me recently that he noticed that it seems like I do not feel as if God gives a damn about me. He sees it especially when he hears me pray, as if I am praying to a wall or some all-seeing Eye that is focused elsewhere. As if I am going through the motions not really expecting to be heard. Because I am insignificant. And it's true. I guess I do see it like that. I know in theory it's not true - He cares for us all, loves us, wants the best for us, etc.... But seriously, why would he? What possible difference could my, our, lives make to him? How can we be so arrogant to assume that what we do, think, feel, believe is noticed, much less taken seriously?

Just spent 2hrs reading blogs...

Wow. I would say that I lead a boring life...cept, I enjoyed reading blogs, so it wasn't so boring after all.
I actually have some homework. Just stuff to read. My course this block consists of a book we read on our own time, class twice a week we may or may not attend if we want, no assignments, and one test. Nice. Next block: statistics. Shiat. Same sorta deal...but it's statistics. I hate statistics. (no, no, we must learn to like statistics...we must or we'll never pass the test...i love it. i love it. i love it...). I had a pre-course test for that class, basically to determine what level each student is at. I studied statistics from one of Luuk's economics books (which believe it or not has different sort of stats then I am used to), for the whole weekend. Took the test: it was mostly algebra. Which I haven't done in six years. I felt very stupid. And did horribly on the test. Pff.
Hmm. Baby is fussing...gotta go do my nanny thing.
Until next time.
Ciao.

I woke up this morning and couldn't turn my head to the left...

When I put my sweater on, it smelled like my room in Iowa. I guess I haven't worn it since I've been here. And the smell brought me all the way back to last year.
Nice quote, Charlotte Brontë:
"...but I counsel you to resist firmly every temptation which would incline you to look back...It is hard work to control the workings of inclination and turn the bent of nature; but that it may be done, I know from experience. God has given us, in a measure, the power to make our own fate; and when our energies seem to demand a sustenance they cannot get - when our will strains after a path we may not follow - we need neither strave from inanition, nor stand still in despair: we have but to seek another nourishment of mind, as strong as the forbidden food it longed to taste - and perhaps purer; and to hew out for the adventurous foot a road as direct and broad as the one Fortune has blocked up against us, if rougher than it."
K, so that seemed more applicable to my life last night (night has a way of making everything seem so much more complicated and difficult), but I still like and will remember this counsel. For future nights of unrest.