i am not a morning person.
my life isn't particularly bright in the morning either.
comment yesterday:
other: "you have a depressive style of writing."
me: "i only write when i'm depressed."
conversation last night:
luuk: "when was the last time you were happy?"
me: "i was happy in iowa. well, there was always the element of missing people, you in particular. i couldn't be completely happy then..."
luuk: "before that?"
me: "i was happy my freshman year. i didn't have to deal with longdistance relationships then. though, i did miss mexico."
luuk: "ever been totally happy?"
me: "well, in mexico i was. sort of. i mean, i was really frustrated with people at the church all the time. and the last couple years i always had in the back of my mind that this was it, i'd be leaving soon... i guess i can't say i've ever been totally one hundred percent happy. but i have been mostly happy."
i'm starting to wonder if i am depressive. or just negative. do i simply not allow myself to be happy? what happened to "content in any and every situation"? is total happiness even possible?
actually, i think i am very..."in the moment" (to use a stupid phrase). i become super involved in my immediate life/emotions, and forget about yesterday quite quickly. which, of course, makes everything seem alot worse than it is. plus...its still morning. give it a few hours.
i woke up more tired this morning than when i went to bed. my head feels tight. my nose is stuffy. my ears keep popping. i think my cold came back for a second round.
cabbage smells really really bad in dirty diapers the next day. the house still stinks from the last one i changed. i can be thankful for stuffy nose. imagine the smell if i had my full sense... egh!
the delightful sounds of a crying baby beckon me.
ciao.
8 years ago
5 comments:
i don't know about total happiness. contentment in any and every situation, i don't know if it's actually possible. but having a desire for contentment is maybe more attainable. i mean, if you're studying really hard for that one final and then the results come back and you failed, i think it's ok to not feel content. but wanting to be content wherever you are, and accepting your circumstances in order to make something good out of them, that's certainly a goal.
i don't think you're "depressive", or "negative". you never struck me that way. but then again i only knew you for that one year.
i went through about a two year span after high school in which i became very negative and depressive, but then when things began to sort themselves out in my life, my mood/attitude didn't really change with it. i think when it's something that has been a part of who you are for a long time, it's really hard to just be happy, even if things are well. there's a quote from vanilla sky that goes something like "i wasn't going to let happiness in without a full body search"--that's kinda what i had to do, you don't trust it at first, but eventually you have to come to terms with reality, whether it's good reality or bad reality. just don't try too hard to convince yourself of something that isn't true. i don't know...that's just some of my experience...
this past summer a group of biologists, psychologists, and religious leaders (among them: the dalai lama) met in vancouver to discuss the subject of happiness: what is it? where does it come from? are some people "just not happy"? they didn't find anything conclusive (not surprising). when i saw the story on the news the dalai lama said that happiness and contentment are not easily attainable, especially in the complex, multi-tasking western world. they are not easily attainable, but not impossible. he said that the biggest misconception people have is that they are not in control of their own happiness--they are tossed around by forces outside of themselves. people who are happy are happy because they find it on the inside. if your happiness comes from the inside it cannot be effected by any force outside of yourself. that's seems to be what paul was going for when he said that he had learned to be happy in any situation. if you don't want be buddhist about it, you could say that happiness and contentment need to come from the holy spirit living inside you.
shitty thing is that we in the western world have blunted our spiritual senses, so to speak.
it seems to me that finding the holy spirit within oneself takes a spiritual keenness that we've compromised for other, more material , things.
okay, i'm done.
is it possible to be happy without structural social connection? i thrive when i am surrounded by friends. i don't have to be close to everyone in my friend group - usually i am actually only close to one or two - but, when i am surrounded by people i know, don't have to explain myself to, can be comfortable with, etc., then no matter what other things happen, i can be (mostly) happy.
is it possible to be (mostly) happy beyond that?
i guess the question deals with our relational nature. everyones relational needs are different. but can we be happy when those needs are met specifically?
It is a good thing to be content in all circumstances. It is a better thing to build a community to be content within.
Community=Contentment 2.0
Dammit girl! You don't need contentment, you need support! And maybe kickboxing.
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