What happened after the interview.

I got a job.

No one was more surprised than myself. The interview that I was fully convinced that I had bombed apparently was more favorably perceived by my interviewers.

They didn't hire me though.

They said I'd make a nice addition to the team and I seemed very enthusiastic and prepared (ha!), but that I didn't have enough experience and they didn't want to train me.

Fair enough, I responded, I have little to no experience, and I'd like to change that, so what do you think of an unpaid internship in which I follow people around and do their annoying little tasks and try to learn by observation and then we talk again in 4 months?

So, we met again to talk about the possibility of doing an unpaid internship for 3-4 months. They started by explaining that the real reason they didn't hire me was cause they didn't think the job was something I'd like, given my extensive experience taking care of people. This job doesn't involve taking care of people. But, they were impressed with my apparent very strong interest in working for them. Four months was too short, they said, so they offered me a six month contract.

Umm, a contract for a six month internship?

No. A job. With a salary. And after six months, we'll talk possible extension. And raise. Interested?

I have no idea how I maintained my composure, but I did. And I accepted the job. I waited till I got in the car, drove halfway home, called Luuk, told him the story, and then burst into tears.

I start Monday.

Fear of Failure

I'm never going to get a job. Some people were granted the natural gift of interviewing - I was not. It's even worse than public speaking. My face gets warm, most likely red too, but I can't see it so I wouldn't know. My hands sweat, making the introductory handshake somewhat uncomfortable; not a good start. We sit down, I try to find a comfortable yet professional looking position, and end up sitting with my back straight and stiff, arms on the table in front of me in an attempt to look relaxed until I realize that I am nervously picking at the pages of the notebook I brought along to write notes in that will inevitably go home blank. I try to concentrate on what the Human Resources girl is saying but get distracted by my racing thoughts: "Stop fidgiting! Look natural! Focus! You're clicking the pen, put it down! Shit, what'd she just ask?" What kind of work do I see myself doing here? Blank stare. I practiced answering this question. I wrote it down so I would know what to say when it came up. I know what I want. Suddenly it sounds so silly in my head, compared to the work described at this company. Maybe I should say something else. No, it's not an exam, just tell her what you hope to do here. Not so hard. Why am I fumbling over my words? Did I just stutter??? My answer is full of 'um's' and hesitation. I hear myself speaking and can't believe how unprepared and stupid I just sounded. I try to fix it. I realize I'm rambling. I answer more questions, ask some of my own, throw in some friendly chitchat. At least I have managed to refrain from giggling. Fuck, I couldn't giggle if I wanted to. I have resorted to fake-laughing to the manager's jokes by this point.

"Alright, well thank you for coming. We'll think about this for a bit, you think about it, and we'll call you on Monday, ok?"

Maybe it wasn't as bad as I think it was. Maybe it's like my public speaking experiences; I hate every minute of it and am usually convinced it was a total failure and find out later that I did just great. Maybe it's like that. On Monday they'll call and tell me how impressed they were and could I please, please come work for them.

Maybe not.