8 years ago
27 January 2008
26 January 2008
De Schuilplaats: a kitchen, dentist, hairdresser, meeting place...etc.
I stood off to the side, watching, afraid to sit at a table right away...they might not appreciate my awkward attempts at friendliness. They sat, spread throughout the large, colorful room, at the tables we had set up a few minutes before the doors opened and they rushed in from the cold where they had been waiting for half an hour to get in.
Rob, who had introduced himself at the door, being first in line and first to tell me I was a beautiful blond and he was happy to see me, stood next to me. One arm was pulled up into his sleeve where he hid a large bottle of some strong smelling drink in his hand. He told me he didnt need anything, he had this. But other people, they needed help. And he knew everyone, he said. He pointed to and talked, sometimes grabbing someone as they walked by to shake hands and tell me how he knew them.
See that guy, the big black one? Yeah, I know him. Hey, HEY! Yeah, man! Good to see you! (Slap on the back, met with a big grin on the big black guys face).
A woman with a stroller full of cloth and wrapped up bundles came in, her hair wrapped in a turban of sorts; she looked Russian or Eastern European anyway. She was followed by a quiet guy with long stringy blonde hair who stared at the floor and blushed shyly if you happened to catch his eye. Behind him walked a man with dark hair, combed and parted in the middle, wearing a blue pinstripe suit with a bright red bowtie and brown shoes that looked slightly too big for him. I couldnt help but smile as his clownish neatness in this crowd.
Oh, and see that one, (pointing at a wrinkled, skinny man in jeans and a large sweatshirt), yup, I know him. And that one. And that one. OH! AND HER!, HEY YOU SKINNY WHORE! (A short, not so skinny woman with frizzy redish hair turned, then smiled and rushed over to give him a big kiss and a Hello, hunny! Oh, I love this man...).
Yeah, this is the woman I live with.
What a strange crowd it was. Some dressed in rags, dirty and hagard looking, others in some attempt to decent appearance, looking equally as worn and tired with life. Some talking just a bit too loudly and laughing and slapping shoulders and shaking hands with everyone as bits of spit escaped from their over excited smiles as they talked. Others huddling in corners, sitting by themselves, or watching quietly the crowd around them. I felt the stares of many, some friendly, some admittedly creepy, most curious.
So, do you study? Ah...psychology. So, what, do you come here to study us? Right, you want to help out...but we are pretty crazy, eh? You want to examine us. Yeah, I know how it is.
The rest of the night consisted of dishing out food, smiling at people, not really knowing what to say, though met with general friendliness and some chitchat, and meeting Perry (whose real name is some French name that starts with Perry and continues for another ten letters or so...and who speaks four languages, apparently used to work in a hospital, has travelled to Florida Keys and the Spanish Canaries, and who has a son he never sees cause his wife wont let him) and Ron (who used to live in Rotterdam, was once a chaufer of sorts, and whose wife died three years ago, at which point he couldnt work anymore, eventually lost his license, and now is alone and travels 45min on Fridays to have supper with the others at the Schuilplaats).
When we left, Rob ran up to us to ask us to spend the night ith him and his buddies, so we could see what it is like to live in the streets. We declined, giving excuses of family waiting, exams to study for, etc.
Ah. You think we are criminals. Its too bad, we are nice. Nothing would happen. We just want you to see what it is like to live here. Yes, yes, you think that. Dont try to convince me. You said it. Maybe not exactly those words. But you said it. I know how it is.
Rob, who had introduced himself at the door, being first in line and first to tell me I was a beautiful blond and he was happy to see me, stood next to me. One arm was pulled up into his sleeve where he hid a large bottle of some strong smelling drink in his hand. He told me he didnt need anything, he had this. But other people, they needed help. And he knew everyone, he said. He pointed to and talked, sometimes grabbing someone as they walked by to shake hands and tell me how he knew them.
See that guy, the big black one? Yeah, I know him. Hey, HEY! Yeah, man! Good to see you! (Slap on the back, met with a big grin on the big black guys face).
A woman with a stroller full of cloth and wrapped up bundles came in, her hair wrapped in a turban of sorts; she looked Russian or Eastern European anyway. She was followed by a quiet guy with long stringy blonde hair who stared at the floor and blushed shyly if you happened to catch his eye. Behind him walked a man with dark hair, combed and parted in the middle, wearing a blue pinstripe suit with a bright red bowtie and brown shoes that looked slightly too big for him. I couldnt help but smile as his clownish neatness in this crowd.
Oh, and see that one, (pointing at a wrinkled, skinny man in jeans and a large sweatshirt), yup, I know him. And that one. And that one. OH! AND HER!, HEY YOU SKINNY WHORE! (A short, not so skinny woman with frizzy redish hair turned, then smiled and rushed over to give him a big kiss and a Hello, hunny! Oh, I love this man...).
Yeah, this is the woman I live with.
What a strange crowd it was. Some dressed in rags, dirty and hagard looking, others in some attempt to decent appearance, looking equally as worn and tired with life. Some talking just a bit too loudly and laughing and slapping shoulders and shaking hands with everyone as bits of spit escaped from their over excited smiles as they talked. Others huddling in corners, sitting by themselves, or watching quietly the crowd around them. I felt the stares of many, some friendly, some admittedly creepy, most curious.
So, do you study? Ah...psychology. So, what, do you come here to study us? Right, you want to help out...but we are pretty crazy, eh? You want to examine us. Yeah, I know how it is.
The rest of the night consisted of dishing out food, smiling at people, not really knowing what to say, though met with general friendliness and some chitchat, and meeting Perry (whose real name is some French name that starts with Perry and continues for another ten letters or so...and who speaks four languages, apparently used to work in a hospital, has travelled to Florida Keys and the Spanish Canaries, and who has a son he never sees cause his wife wont let him) and Ron (who used to live in Rotterdam, was once a chaufer of sorts, and whose wife died three years ago, at which point he couldnt work anymore, eventually lost his license, and now is alone and travels 45min on Fridays to have supper with the others at the Schuilplaats).
When we left, Rob ran up to us to ask us to spend the night ith him and his buddies, so we could see what it is like to live in the streets. We declined, giving excuses of family waiting, exams to study for, etc.
Ah. You think we are criminals. Its too bad, we are nice. Nothing would happen. We just want you to see what it is like to live here. Yes, yes, you think that. Dont try to convince me. You said it. Maybe not exactly those words. But you said it. I know how it is.
25 January 2008
so what does this mean for the rest of the year?
i dunno yet. gotta talk to the university this afternoon. if the program starts before feb 9 (which is the resit exam day), i cant start my masters this year... so i will have to find a job or have a baby or something (haha, just kidding...) and wait til september (assuming i have passed the exam by then).
in the meantime: back to studying for the same @$#%&*! exam...
in the meantime: back to studying for the same @$#%&*! exam...
24 January 2008
20 January 2008
descartes forgot something
I have often berated myself for being so emotional, for sometimes acting irrationally, for being unable to make certain decisions free of emotion, for even experiencing emotion without always knowing the cause. Of course, much of that probably comes from those damn female hormones doing their monthly dance. However, to a certain extent, this emotional aspect of myself is part of what makes me human. A normal human able to do good and make good decisions... Reason is not everything. We do not need to experience emotion to be conscious, and we need to be conscious/selfaware to experience emotion. Yet, without emotion, consciousness is worthless. Yes, I think therefore I am. But it is not enough just to be.
Damasio (1994) studied a man who, due to a brain injury, could no longer experience emotion. He never became angry, was never sad (even about his own brain damage), he never enjoyed anything very much, even music. Far from being purely rational, he made amazingly stupid decisions, losing job, wife, savings. Though he knew and could rationally consider the consequences of any action, he could not decide which would be better because it did not matter to him one way or the other. He could just as easily make a decision that would win him approval as one that would get him into trouble.
Anderson et al. (1999) studied two adults who suffered from prefontalcortex injury as babies (thats the part of your brain linked to emotional experience); they never learned moral behavior, frequently made bad decisions, and did things like lying, stealing, etc. without showing any regret; despite having a normal IQ, they had no friends and could not keep a job.
Conclusion:
*while extreme emotions impair decision making, some emotion is necessary for making decisions.
* people who do not anticipate the unpleasantness of likely outcomes tend to make bad decisions.
* inevitably, emotions are inseparable from the idea of good and evil.
* i should no longer feel ridiculous for being emotional.
Damasio (1994) studied a man who, due to a brain injury, could no longer experience emotion. He never became angry, was never sad (even about his own brain damage), he never enjoyed anything very much, even music. Far from being purely rational, he made amazingly stupid decisions, losing job, wife, savings. Though he knew and could rationally consider the consequences of any action, he could not decide which would be better because it did not matter to him one way or the other. He could just as easily make a decision that would win him approval as one that would get him into trouble.
Anderson et al. (1999) studied two adults who suffered from prefontalcortex injury as babies (thats the part of your brain linked to emotional experience); they never learned moral behavior, frequently made bad decisions, and did things like lying, stealing, etc. without showing any regret; despite having a normal IQ, they had no friends and could not keep a job.
Conclusion:
*while extreme emotions impair decision making, some emotion is necessary for making decisions.
* people who do not anticipate the unpleasantness of likely outcomes tend to make bad decisions.
* inevitably, emotions are inseparable from the idea of good and evil.
* i should no longer feel ridiculous for being emotional.
18 January 2008
i shouldnt sit home alone..
was reading kevins blog and he had some questions i was thinking about lately too...
do you feel Gods love? does it exist? maybe freud was right, we just created this idea to feel better about life and ourselves. or skinner, and we have been taught to respond to certain religious stimuli and think we are actually having a spiritual experience.
during a biblestudy thing with my student union, we sang a song about worshiping God with heart, soul, mind. i think i kinda focus on the mind part, dont really work on the other two. i guess i dont really know how too.
ever wish for writing on the wall? i think thats part of my problem. seek and you will find, right? i just wish. dont do much actual seeking.
i have become very lazy.
and its affecting me in every way possible. i dont feel God anymore.
or maybe its just my winter depression kicking in and it will all be better in the spring.
do you feel Gods love? does it exist? maybe freud was right, we just created this idea to feel better about life and ourselves. or skinner, and we have been taught to respond to certain religious stimuli and think we are actually having a spiritual experience.
during a biblestudy thing with my student union, we sang a song about worshiping God with heart, soul, mind. i think i kinda focus on the mind part, dont really work on the other two. i guess i dont really know how too.
ever wish for writing on the wall? i think thats part of my problem. seek and you will find, right? i just wish. dont do much actual seeking.
i have become very lazy.
and its affecting me in every way possible. i dont feel God anymore.
or maybe its just my winter depression kicking in and it will all be better in the spring.
10 January 2008
still here. and fully married. :)
i am married.
the wedding was a blur; the only part i really remember well is taking pictures before the ceremony.
good thing we spent all that time preparing...
at least everyone seemed to enjoy the food, drinks, atmosphere. and it was fun. hence the blur.
the week before and the following two weeks were another type of blur, a combination of last minute planning, picking people up from and driving people to the airport, guiding the lost american and canadian family members around holland, trying to clean up our house then refilling it with more mess each time we opened presents or shopped with our wedding money.
somewhere in the middle we managed to break our new, yet unused, beatiful and no longer in production thus irreplaceable dish set by putting it all on a shelf that apparently wasnt strong enough.
that was fun.
i heard we werent the only dumbasses to do something like that. kevin and cassie have a story.
now the last family member has left.
and i am going to take a nap before doing some more cleaning.
i hope luuk gets home relatively soon from his job interview. he should be working by march. that gives us a few weeks to be lazy together. sorta. i have a test to study for. but whats a little studying... i never did overexert myself in that area...
happy christmas, new years, and cheers to all you all.
xxx
the wedding was a blur; the only part i really remember well is taking pictures before the ceremony.
good thing we spent all that time preparing...
at least everyone seemed to enjoy the food, drinks, atmosphere. and it was fun. hence the blur.
the week before and the following two weeks were another type of blur, a combination of last minute planning, picking people up from and driving people to the airport, guiding the lost american and canadian family members around holland, trying to clean up our house then refilling it with more mess each time we opened presents or shopped with our wedding money.
somewhere in the middle we managed to break our new, yet unused, beatiful and no longer in production thus irreplaceable dish set by putting it all on a shelf that apparently wasnt strong enough.
that was fun.
i heard we werent the only dumbasses to do something like that. kevin and cassie have a story.
now the last family member has left.
and i am going to take a nap before doing some more cleaning.
i hope luuk gets home relatively soon from his job interview. he should be working by march. that gives us a few weeks to be lazy together. sorta. i have a test to study for. but whats a little studying... i never did overexert myself in that area...
happy christmas, new years, and cheers to all you all.
xxx
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