pre-quarter-life crisis

today as i sat in my 9am class for which i had pushed myself out of bed at 7:30am and forced my breakfast and coffee down my throat and rushed to the tram stop to get into the overfilled, sweaty, smelly tram, so i could again rush to the train where i could sit next to van Morningbreath, i realized that i was not met with the reward that any subject that i have ever loved learning about has ever provided. i am forcing myself through this because i have to. because i chose this masters program over others. because this program would require less premasters courses. because i thought i could start last year. which i didn't. so now i am regretting my overenthusiasm and lack of patience. maybe i shoulda waited for something better.

the art of applying psychology... really, marketing psychology or selling psychology... so not my thing. and what about this applied data analysis class i am doing? again, not my thing.
what if human error and cognitive aging turn out to also not be my thing? the only two other courses left in my masters program are neuromodulation and some other one that i momentarily can't remember. is that what i really want to work in after i get that nice little paper entiteling me to a bigger salary?

what i am i doing in this program?

i don't even know what i would prefer to be doing. all i know is that i don't like this at the moment.

maybe it will get better. maybe cognitive aging will turn out to be the class that starts my amazing, fulfilling, lifelong career in...old people.

when i started studying psychology, i did it because i thought it was really interesting. few subjects interested me as much. but the prospect of applying all these interesting facts about how people work and think, and actually doing something with it all seems so unsatisfying. so maybe it's not this program. maybe it, whatever 'it' is, is me.

i must be tired...

i fell asleep on the couch after getting back from a morning of babysitting and workgroups. i woke up two hours later. now i feel medicated.

oh, the big question... what is the meaning of life?

started my masters program this week. immediately swamped with assignments and work. will be a busy year. thats good, i guess. i feel slightly lost though. this is very different than what i thought i would be doing when i first started studying psychology. the current class i am taking is somewhat more in the direction of business and sales. its called the art of applying psychology but really it should be called the art of manipulating big companies into giving you their money. (the exact words of our professor himself).

shit, i just realized that i forgot it was garbage day today. now our garbage will be sitting in a bag on our porch for another week. ugh.

anyway... so not sure yet if i should be disillusioned, excited, or remain undecided until my other classes start and i can get a fuller picture of what this master entails and what it might mean for future career possibilities. in any case, i am not heading to life of listening to other peoples problems and trying to fix their emotional issues. or at least, not one that pays for it.

i will have to wait and see, i guess.