blissful despondency

The world is covered with a thick haze. Everything is weighted, slower, as if submerged in beautiful white water. Rowing the boat across the canal is a surreal experience. The water is dark and still as glass. I'm filled with an over-whelming urge to jump in. I feel lost in whiteness.
But I experience no panic, rather a sort of drowsy peace. The birds slept in today. All is quiet. I can actually stare at the sun, a big white ball glaring through the clouds, without my eyes hurting right away. I'll probably go blind some day just because of that one minute today. Suddenly the white becomes unbareably bright. I squint my eyes, burning and filling with tears. For some reason, I think it would feel good to let the tears keep falling. Instead, I look away from the white world, let my eyes settle on something dark for a few seconds.  "I will follow you into the dark" replays in my head...the time for sleep is now...

Geez....

what the monkey?

Of weddings and love and domestic things...

 We checked out reception/dinner locations this weekend. We have narrowed it down to three... now we have to compare prices and specific possibilities of each, and pick one. Luuk really like one, while I and his dad favored another. But, since all are good options, compromise won't be too much of a problem... (Right, Luuk? Did I ever mention how handsome and manly and wonderful and giving you are?) ;)

My future-mother-in-law paid us a compliment this weekend. She said that we seem like a couple that can make it.  We didn't have any doubts about that or anything... but it's still encouraging. 'specially coming from one of the most important critics - the mom.

We also went to a house-warming party for one of Luuk's friends this weekend.

(K...this kid next to me is licking the door. Wtf?)

Anyway...house-warming party... made me really want to have an apartment/house of our own. Man...I am turning domestic or something. Burgelijk... It makes sense though, I think. I feel out of place here. I need my own space.

You know, they say that women are more territorial than men. I wonder if that's true...?

I had a really sick dream last night, that I won't describe here for your sake...but everytime I think about it, I feel my throat tightening and my stomach starting to make the first movements of throwing up. I should stop thinking about it. But it keeps flashing across my brain.

(Seriously. Kids are kinda dumb...how hard is it to figure out that if something is too big its not going to fit in the little dump-truck and you should find something else to put into it instead of pushing and attempting to squish the big thing in and screaming and wailing when it repeatedly doesn't work?)

Sweet.

 This is pretty cool.

So sad...

The amazon is drying up...

Crashing into boats

Normally, the wind comes from one direction everyday. Sometimes it blows really hard, sometimes not. I generally don't even notice the wind anymore, except on really really windy days. I've gotten so used to rowing that I have learned to automatically compensate for the extra one-sided force by rowing harder against it.
Today, the wind came from the opposite direction. And I didn't know what to do with myself. 
I scrambled around in the middle of the canal, drifting in the completely wrong direction while I
fought the automatic urge to row in the same direction as usual. I ended up rushing at a surprising
speed toward the other docked boats.
Beautiful.
It's a good thing these boats are made of some sort of metal.

Two years is long enough to warm up any cold feet.

 Well, I passed the driving test. Not without incident. Of course. My driving instructor decided to drink coffee instead of ride along. No big deal. 'Cept, that left me to make conversation and drive on my own with this very intimidating exam-giver-person. When he met me, the first thing he said was (in a strong imitation American accent) "So, you are Canadian. And you think you can drive?" I smiled, tried to be nice, not too nice, ignoring the fact that he seemed incapable of smiling. "Where you were you born?" "Calgary." "Ah. I've been there." "Yes? It's a nice city, isn't it?" "No. Not really. It's too big. Everything is too far apart. I thought it was ugly." "Oh. Well, I suppose I can see that. It has it's charms though." "Nah. Only the stampede." "Right." Crap. Why is it that this makes me so nervous? Any other time I would find 
someone like him slightly amusing. Circumstances, I suppose. The entire ride was like this. Uncomfortable periods of silence, then attempts at conversation that somehow always ended up going back to my being American/Canadian...he wasn't mean, he just seemed incredibly unimpressed. Which is fine. But for some reason, uncomfortable.
So, anyway...driving. I started passing a truck at some point and the man sitting next to me gruffly said "No, stay in this lane, we're turning right." So, I quickly switched back to the right lane, then looked for the street. Ah, there, half a block past the green light. I moved toward the turning lane and kept driving, only to practically shit my pants when he slammed on the brake. "The turning light is red." Turning light? Where? Fuck. Right next to the green light I so happily was driving through. Shit. Who puts a turning light half a block before the street, anyway?! Ugh. This country! "Oh." Nervous giggle. "I didn't see that." Obviously. Pff. Shut up, Amanda!
He made absolutely no comment. That was worse than if he'd started yelling at me. We drove around for another 15 min., me trying to be more careful, more aware, and a better driver than I'll ever be in any real situation, him sitting next to me, staring out the window. I was absolutely certain that I'd failed. That's a really stupid, but somewhat important mistake to make. Fuck.
So, after the test, we went inside. We met my instructor who's smile immediately dropped when she saw us... Great. She knows. She whispered to me "how'd it go?" I shrugged and made a face. Dunno.
We sat down. "Well. Let's see... The biggest thing that you need to work on is
watching for bikes. You need to look for them more carefully when coming across a bike path." Heh? I tried so hard to do that. Way more than normal. I even exaggerated my head turns so he couldn't miss them. "Ok. I'll work on that." "It's really important that you look for bikes." "Yes, I know." Fake-American accent comes back, "It's one of the most important things to remember when driving in this country. Always look for bikes!" No smile. "Yes. I understand. I thought I was looking enough..." Crap. That's a stupid thing to say. Don't argue! "No. You didn't. So. Work on that." A couple seconds silence. No comment about the light at least. I suppose it wasn't really necessary though. Then, for the first time, he smiled. He stuck out his hand and said, "But for the rest, you drove just fine! So, congratulations. You passed!" What? No way. The bastard! He looked very pleased with himself. I had to admit to myself that this was quite funny. As I was leaving the room, I heard him chuckle quietly. I smiled to myself.
Ok. That wasn't too bad, after all.

The rest of the weekend consisted of a disappointing dinner at a very interesting, well-decorated, charming Mexican restaurant. The food was good, but not Mexican really, and very expensive. Ah well. Luuk paid for my meal to celebrate my passing the exam. I paid for his meal to celebrate him popping the question two years ago. I suppose you could call that reverse-Dutch. Or something. 
We were going to go to Molly Mallones for St.Patty's and to further celebrate...but believe it or not, we actually forgot to go.
Don't ask.
The market on Saturday morning; an attempt at ceviché (which turned out quite well, if I can say so myself...); quesadillas for supper one day, fish, octopus, shrimp, and who knows what else, with rice the next day; some Settlers; a couple movies (Ghost World: good. Lost in Translation: I love it more each time. Eyes Wide Shut: meh.); attempts at sleeping in (I can't sleep; something
is wrong with me); and lots of great conversations with my hubby-to-be. (Sigh). I love that guy.

Gotta love them UV rays...

 Yesterday I had my last driving lesson. I had a different instructor. He thought it was super cool that he was "teaching" an American. He asked if I had any friends or sisters around here. I told him I actually did. He thought it was cool I could speak Dutch. He didn't want to speak English.
We talked about differences between US and Holland. He asked if I had any single female friends available. I laughed. Then told him not to try the long distance thing. It sucks. We talked 
more about differences between countries. He told me how much he 
LOVES the US.  He commented again that it would be great if I had any single girlfriends
around here. I smiled. He complimented me on my driving. Told me again how cool 
the US was. Then asked if I knew any single American girls. I didn't respond. He said he
was kidding. I half-smiled. 
He was nice. And talked alot. Which does make time go faster...Driving aimlessly 
for two hours isn't particularly fun, especially on a sunny day. And for all you single
female friends of mine, I'm sure he'll still be available in December if you come to the wedding and want an international fling.
Tomorrow is my driving exam. People keep telling me that the test is really hard and that I shouldn't be too sure that I'll do well. I can't help but think that my five years of driving would be somewhat of an advantage. But perhaps that's irrational and I should be extremely worried.
Meh.

This weekend: St. Patty's Day. A very important historic event occured on that day two years ago... anybody know?

sunlight: it does a body good.

 K. So, I tried, unsuccessfully, to post the pictures again. Not sure what the deal is. It's not the computer, cause last time I tried on a different one. I guess I am just a bit stupid with computers. Ah well. The pictures didn't really do Berlin justice, so I will leave the city to your imaginations instead of disappointing you with low-quality-cellphone-camera-shots. Plus, my face is in half of them, and we don't need to see that too much. ;)

Yesterday was sunny. Carmela, Dane, Luuk, and I took a nice long walk to some park I've never been to before in Groningen to sit in front of a pool of dirty water and soak in some desperately needed UV rays with many other like-minded and equally sun-deprived Dutch souls. I am not sure if I should be amused or worried by the fact that people rush out in hordes when ever the sun stays out for longer than 30 min. I like that people enjoy the sun so much. I fear what that desperate rush means in terms of days of sunlight in this country (or lack-thereof), and the effects on my future psychological health. I forget how much the sunlight affects my sense of contentment.

Today I put the kids down for a nap (which in itself deserves mention: Jules finished his sandwich, asked for milk, then said "Moe (tired). Slappen (sleep)," and walked to his room where he waited for me to put him to bed without complaint!), then I took a book (which also deserves mention...I'll elaborate later to prevent this from becoming a terribly confusing sentence), pulled out a lawn chair, sat down, and promptly fell asleep with the sun shining on my face. My cheeks are now slightly pink. I feel pleased and lazy as one of the chubby cats that wander around the yard. And I think if all days were like this, I could possibly enjoy my current state of affairs instead of grudgingly tolerate them.

Which brings me to this book... My mom told me a long time ago she thought I should read it. And then Luuk did just recently (unaware of my mom's comment). So, amused at this, I reluctantly accepted the book from Luuk. "The 7 Habits of Highly Affective People". I know. It's a self-help book. Which normally I hate. But perhaps I am allowing myself to be more open-minded. Or maybe my standards have dropped a bit. Ormaybe it's actually really not be that bad. In any case, I am not hating it as much as I expected and will admit to occasionally 
enjoying it. 
Mostly, it's one of those books that has basic good sense advice that you nod your head to and say "Of course, that's obvious", but would never have really considered unless someone pointed it out to you on paper.
Maybe it's cause I feel so lost sometimes that I'm even taking this book seriously. I dunno. I'm struggling.
Momentarily, I am considering: what point-of view do I see my life from at the moment and could it be better?  Before you scoff, understand this: I have been looking at this year as a transition year; my job as just a means to an end (somewhere to live, a house, food, bit of a spending cash, that's it); this whole situation as something to be tolerated until next year when things will inevitably get better. And, generally, that's what it's been. 
But, what if I looked at it differently? 
Mom keeps telling me that God was involved; that I am with this family for a reason; that there is some meaning to life, my life, right now...  This might sound like a really silly discussion. I dunno. But at the moment it's not, to me.

But now I am going to get some more sunlight. I'm trying to store up for then next couple of weeks until the next time he decides to come out.

Cheers.

Groeten

I tried to post pictures of Berlin, but they all showed up blank. Not sure what to do about that. So I deleted them from the blog cause a bunch of white spots on the page looked stupid.

Berlin: Very cool (I enjoy using that word, just because each time I do, I see Henderson cringe and Rose say "cool means cold!"). It was actually colder than here. Bit less windy. Saw the wall, of course. Well...the last bit that's left. There are pieces placed randomly around the city. Checkpoint Charlie (apparently well known...I'd never heard of it before...so the cool factor didn't really kick in till I read all there was to read about the place that was written on random boards around the area). Lots of old buildings - beautiful (I love old architecture. Could never tell you about the style or era built in or anything of artistic importance...but I like to look at them). Checked out a few museums. A monument to Jews (looked like a field of coffins, sorta like a maze of grey boxes...hard to explain). Enjoyed the sauna in the hotel (didn't know we were staying in a hotel with a sauna, so I didn't take a swimsuit, so I had to go in my underwear, which was fine cause actually most people there went naked...mostly older people...whatever...I'm cool with that... [k...who am I kidding? It's a little weird to sit in close hot sweaty quarters with middle and older aged people who shift positions without regard to what's...umm...showing]). We walked everywhere. I love walking through cities. And I loved the city of Berlin. It's very different from anything in the Netherlands - much bigger, and in some ways I suppose more American (there were ridiculous numbers of Dunkin Doughnuts and Starbucks to be found among the 17th century churches and government buildings), but in other ways completely different. The city exudes history. Even the way that newer buildings have been placed next to buildings centuries old speaks of its complicated past. I was momentarily sad each time I heard of or saw pictures of certain buildings that used to sit in this particular spot where that soviet style apartment block now sits or where that abnormally shaped modern office building is... War is so...scarring. I don't know what other word describes Berlin better. Scarred and beautiful.
Meh.
Getting a little melodramatic.
(Some where in the background I hear someone yawning..."Booooring!").

Funny highlight: We found a coffee shop called "Balzac Coffee". We checked it out, just to see what their coffee tasted like.
'twas good.

Other: We stopped in at the Guggenheim Musuem (much smaller than the New York version); filled with post-expressionist work. I loved it. Made me want to paint again. Some day.

Sidenote: Luuk and I are very different from each other in one very crucial manner - he is a goal-oriented person, and I am an experience-oriented person (is that a contradiction in terms?). This makes for walking together through cities and museums a very...ummm... interesting experience.
But love conquers all. (Which means: he walks slower).
:)