-i've lost 5kilos since i've been here. thats not a good thing. my pants don't fit as well anymore.
-thursday i had a test at 8:45am, which meant i had to get up at 6 to get ready, row across the canal, drive to the station, take the train, and be at the VU in time. the test was in dutch. i got to use a dutch-english dictionary. it took me an hr longer than most students. i felt smart.
- wednesday night jules woke up at 4a.m. and cried for an hour. i couldn't put my pillow over my head cause i had to hear my alarm at 6, so finally i went downstairs, told him to be quiet, made him lay back down, rubbed his back, and he fell asleep. i felt like super nanny. until 6a.m. came around. then i just felt like crap.
- thursday, after my test, i drank too much coffee, not enough water, smoked hookah for a couple of hours, had a couple of beers, then promptly got sick. crackers helped.
- fish for supper when you feel sick is not a good idea.
-fri/saturday i went to a conference at a baptist church, in dutch, with luuk. it was good, i think. something about masculinity/femininity and men and women in relationship to each other and God.
- i'm much to cynical for my own good. friday night, after the sermon, we had a time of prayer. during this prayer we could partake of communion (which consisted of standing in a line, walking to a table, taking turns drinking out of a little glass and eating a cracker of sorts), kneel in front of a cross, and/or go to a corner and be prayed for by the elders. the entire time someone played some soft churchy music in the background. i did take communion, but it felt empty. then i sat back down. i fought the urge to pray or let the atmosphere affect me in anyway. why i fought it, i can't say exactly. it had something to do with thinking the music was stupid, that they were just trying to manipulate our emotions, that the communion really was just an efficient way to get through a symbolic act, that the cross was a way to make yourself look humble, and that i'd feel incredibly uncomfortable having some stranger pray for me about something personal. mostly, i felt that if i did participate, pray, or cry (as others around me were) or whatever else i could let happen, i would have simply allowed myself to be duped.
- where do i go from here?
8 years ago
4 comments:
aha! you're exactly where i was, oh, at dordt, and also new york. i've fought the urge to pray/sing praise&worship/be at ease with obvious displays of praise, etc, for all my life. until recently, when i decided that maybe these people were genuine. but most importantly, who cares if they're not. i'm not there for them, i'm there for my God. so i started singing at p&w, earnestly. i started taking part in communion, and praying (that last one takes a while).
i think for missionary kids it's really hard to do this. eg. in peru we grew up knowing that some people were putting on a show, and some of them came just to be fed. and so you grow up being cynical. but i think that sooner or later one has to get rid of that cynicism, or you get nowhere in the faith.
i mean, if i was a buddhist, or sufi, i'd sure want to worship. i should embrace my christian worship the same way.
wise words gabe. often i don't want to pray or read the word or worship. it's are natural human self. on our own we don't desire God. so just ask to desire God. and you know what will happen... unexpectedly God will fulfill that desire in simple ways you can't imagine.
...the things you leave out of your emails to the fam. "I got kinda sick"... yeah. hehe! TQM! ;)
I am in the same canoe.... but its not an awesome canoe ride at all. I'm sick of my own cynicism and want to feel appreciative of the worship oppurtunities i'm in. I thik evaluation is a very good thing because faking Christian is the least appealing and least attractive thing possible. I think we need to find ways to worship that truly work for us, while working to find truth in the community worship we're offered. When we seek, we will find it.
In response to a previous post.... I like the full moon way better too.
Thanks for telling me to stick my standardized education out and I hope you're right that I will be thankful for it.
peace.
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