Recap: the rest of our 'Nam trip

After a visit to the Cu Chi tunnels (where the Vietcon guerillas lived and fought during the war, which in the end was a great factor in defeating the Americans) and the War Remnant Museum (which made me glad to be in Vietnam on my Canadian passport), we escaped the dirt, smog, and traffic of Saigon and took a night train to the quieter, cleaner beachtown of Nah Trang.

Highlights included a trip on a bike-cart (picture a short, skinny, Vietnamese dude huffing us big Westerners up and down the hills of the town, though don't feel too bad, he was paid well by both us and the owner of the sea-food restaurant he took us to); a giant Buddha statue at a monestary (where we were guilted into buying some postcards from some monks-in-training and where we found a group of young boys of various ages who were well-experienced in begging and one of whom carried an expensive looking camera I am sure he did not get for his birthday, and where I was felt up by a 2-foot-tall four-year-old who was, it seems, being instructed by an older boy to either find hidden pockets or search for something little four-year-olds shouldn't even know about...); and a group of Hindu temples from the 7th century, darkened on the inside from hundreds of years of inscence and prayers.

The most interesting experience was the boat tour, the highlight of which was our crazy guide who kept making and laughing at his own jokes that no one understood; at one point he pulled out a styrofoam slab, on which was stuck a plastic basket with several bottels of what he, to the amusement of some and the shock of others, repeatedly called "fucking-mingen-Vietnam wine", which we all figured out really means "really really bad wine". This was our floating bar, around which we floated in our tubes, wine in hand.

Our next stop was Da Lat, a city in the mountains. This place has a bit of a French Alp resort feel to it, only tropical and littered with garbage. Apparently Vietnam royalty used to spend vacations there, and we can understand why. The mountains are beautiful and the temperatures are much more bearable. We took a tour with the Easy Riders (dudes on motorcycles); we each sat on the back of a bike and followed out guides through the mountains to surrounding villages where we saw how silk is taken from the cocoons and turned into the thread and then into cloth; then how "happy water" is made from fermented rice (it is some of the nastiest drink I have ever tried), and how mushrooms are grown out of fermented tapioca and sweet potatoes ("same same, but different", as they say). And of course we took many pictures of the layered farms where families grow all sorts of fruits and vegetables sold in the rest of the country. The day we left Da Lat we took golfing lessons at the incredible golf course on top of a hill, the view being green and mountains; then we flew back to Saigon in a propeller airplane.

Our final adventure was a tour through the Mekong Delta, the highlights of which included the boat ride through a palm tree and bamboo sided canal and the Jewish Israeli guy with a somewhat French accent we met whose greatest joy on this trip was not the food, culture, or scenery, but rather bargaining.

The strongest impression of the whole trip was how similar Vietnam was to Central America and Mexico. Different food, different language, but similar colours, buildings, people, professions/methods of survival, fruit, dirt, treatment of environment, poverty/wealth dichotomy, friendliness. Same same but different, I guess.

(Hmm...I was going to post some pictures but can't find our adapter...That's not good.)

P.S.: Interesting food we tried while in Nam included frog legs, crocodile, pigeon, and snails. Luuk will have to remind me if I missed any interesting ones...

Saigon Dance

The most notable characteristic of Saigon (or Ho Chi Minh) is the way traffic works despite the craziness of obviously untrained drivers and millions (literally, millions) of motorcycles and cars and taxis on the roads that also happen to be filled with pedestrians crossing anywhere and anytime, the occasional suicidal biker, and once in a while a short guy pushing a cart filled to ridiculous heights with some thing or other. There is really no way to describe the experience of maneuvering through this strangely coordinated chaos in a way that can draw a comparable picture. Traffic lights are no meaningless, just slightly ignored; right of way is not a matter of traffic rules, but size; lanes are suggested, not necessarily respected; and pedestrian crossings might as well be non-existant. How we survived our few brave attempts to cross the streets of this smoggy city is beyond me. We simply started crossing and hoped we would be avoided by the wave of motors and lights heading to and around us. Somehow, they always saw us and always missed us. Occasionaly we witnessed a slight fenderbender, but most of the time this dance (which is really the best way to describe it) went on uninterrupted and accompanied with the tune of millions of horns warning other drivers of their presence.

On a side note, Vietnam seems to be filled with extremely talented artists and painters waiting to be discovered by the world. I find myself continuously drooling at gallery and shop windows, wishing that we were not here with just a backpack and seriously considering daring to take the galleries up on their offer to ship for us, at "a special price, good for you, good for me".

so not a morning person...

The breakfast room can get very busy and noisy. I really do not like kids in the morning, especially loud, whiny, expressive ones. Some days I can tune them out; most of the time I amuse Luuk with my grumbling.

Once he leaves for work, I fill my cup with a second helping of coffee and sit outside where I hope to find some quiet amid the thousands of airconditioners hanging out of the surrounding buildings, honking horns on the street below, and the crows that dare to sit on the chair across from me and caw expectantly.

I always thought crows were the mean birds of the city, but the pigeons actually stole more from the crows than the other way around. Funny.

I saw a black pigeon with one single random long white feather in his wing... I wonder if random feathers on birds are like moles or freckles on people. Or spots on dogs.

And why do city pigeons seem to always have messed up feet? Ten points to the best answer.

Real rain.

There must be something basic or elemental to the pleasure taken in listening to rain fall. It's like staring at a bonfire. I could do that for hours and my best sleeps have been to the sound of rain and thunder. Soothing. Therapeutic. Fantasical, in a way.
Watching tropical rainfall from the 13th floor out our window over our pigeon-poo-covered patio is just plain lovely. If the pool weren't on the 9th floor or if there weren't thunder and lightning, I would be swimming in the rain right now.
This is one of the things about the tropics that I enjoy the most. Warm temperatures and heavy straight-falling rain. This is what I miss when I am in Holland, the land of fizzy rain and feel-it-in-your-bones cold.
Sigh. I love this kind of rain.

Take a walk down memory lane...

Last night, Luuk went to bed early cause he wasn't feel well, so I looked for ways to quietly entertain myself in our little hotel room. I started reading my old blogs. I began with the first I ever wrote, continued on through goodbyes to Dordt, the big move to Holland, my oh-so-long year as an aupair, driving lessons, university struggles, wedding plans, homesickness, frustrations, questions about God, and finally up to the beginning of this past year where the memories were still fresh enough to less interesting to read through. The experience was... well, I can't say cathartic or therapeutic cause that would assume I still had some pent up emotions, tensions, or issues to work through from the past three years... but it was something akin to that. As I read, I could remember so many details that I had forgotten. I could picture the very situation, dream, or feeling that had created the necessity to write it in the first place. I relived so many struggles and small triumphs in a matter of minutes before I moved on to the next entry. I realized just how much this blog has been my therapy. It keeps me sane.
And I read through every comment left by fellow blogger friends. Wow do I miss some people right now. The feeling of nostalgia accompanied me through the whole session and didn't leave even after I finally went to bed.
I have a private journal where I write all the thoughts and feelings that I dare not share with the world. It's the kind of journal that is mostly dark and depressing and doesn't really remember the details of my life, only the worst parts of it with only occasional relief. It's not the sort of book I would like to reread through. So I am very glad today that I have kept this blog. This has become the sort of journal I can reread later when I am old, forgetful, and have grandchildren to shock with stories of my youth.

So, yeah, just thought I'd share that with y'all.

The modern child.

This morning at our buffet-breakfast included in the room deal here at our serviced-apartment building, I filled my bowl with papaya and watermelon. A full cup of some incredible coffee, of which origins I have yet to discover, in one hand and a piece of toast in the other, I enjoyed a quiet wake up to the day. The tv shared a news piece on the detrimental effects of high-heels, in the background. Fellow residents from different countries and cultures chewed quietly at various tables spread strategically through the room. A mother and her approx. 2yr old child walked into the room and I groaned. I dislike children in the morning. They are loud, whiny, and annoying, too early in the day. But this one seemed quiet enough, so I smiled at him and went back to sipping my coffee. He noticed the tv on the wall. Tugging at his mother's sleeve and pointing at the tv, he asked, "Obama?"

Kusu

This past weekend Luuk and I took a boat, fashioned like what I would imagine an old Chinese sail boat for royalty used to look like, to a tiny island of Kusu. It is small. I know people who's yards are bigger than this island (no, not in the Netherlands).

Anyway, story goes that years ago some fishermen were caught in a storm and would have died were it not for their rescue by two giant turtles. These men built a shrine on the island where the turtles brought them and today this island contains a Buddhist temple (where a family lives and spends their days watching tv next to shrines, candles, and fat smiling Buddha statues) and a strange haphazard semi-open completely yellow 'building' of sorts on top of what looks like one giant rock. People come to the island to climb the 152 steps up to this yellow place to ask the gods or ancestors or turtles to give prosperity, luck, and/or children. It's especially good luck for a newly married couple to climb the stairs, pay a few dollars, and ring the bell.

The island also contains a turtle sanctuary with seriously a good hundred or so turtles of all sizes. They are not afraid of people. In fact, they scramble straight to you in hopes of being given some of that nasty looking red crap we were handed to share with the turtles. Some of those turtles have some pretty freaky looking mouths. But they are still cute. Especially their little bums, with their fat legs sticking out of their shells and that cute little tail... (Teehee!). If they were more interesting, maybe I'd adopt one.

The website describing the island claimed that people loved to come here to swim in the beautiful lagoons. When I think lagoon, I think lush tropical trees on either side, backed by cliffs and waterfalls, with clear blue fresh water in the middle with perhaps a shiny fish or two... Well, it wasn't exactly that...but good enough. Sunshine, palm-trees, sand, water...what more could we want? And all this with almost no one in sight. We bought lunch from the family at the temple and spent the day reading next to one of the lagoons facing the Singapore sky-scrapers across the water. That's hard to top.

But we are gonna try: 28 Feb, we are on our way to Vietnam!

Interesting...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7871783.stm

What does one do to deserve coming back as a lizard?

I made a friend at the Chinese gardens yesterday. A black lizard 3ft long appeared repeatedly in front of me during my walk through the bonsai section. He flicked his tongue a couple times and staring at me, crawled carefully to his next hiding spot. I didn't know lizards could swim. Now I do.

Day before last, I checked out the trippy Haw Par Villa, where I was informed that there are ten courts of death for those who lived bad lives. Different sins require different penalties. Robbers get the volcanic pit; gamblers are turned into blocks of ice; ungrateful bastards get their hearts cut out; and gossips get their tongues removed. After all this, the punished sinners are sent to an old lady who gives them tea that causes forgetfullness so that they can go on into their next reincarnate lives in whatever form they deserve without remembering their punishments. Ah, yes, that'll teach them.

The day before that, I visited the Sultan mosque, where I was given a scarf to cover my shoulders and received a tour and story of the mosque from a friendly teenage boy. I found out that little boys blush when you shake their hands in a mosque. Or maybe it was just that boy.

Today I go in search of Holland Village. That ought to be interesting.

Update for the interested.

Events of the past few days:
-Friday: I wandered into a market, a very modern and beautiful Buddhist monastary, a colorful Hindu temple, and a run-down, quaint Malaysian Village where I met a very friendly man who sold me a Coca-cola and told me about living in Singapore and then introduced me to a goofy old guard with a heavy accent who gave me a personal tour of the old village with some detours to show me off to his friends.
- Saturday: Golfing with Luuk at 11am (the hottest time of the day). Then Chinatown with a Singaporean girl from church and an American business man from out building. We took pictures, tried strange fruits and candies, visited another temple, then finished the night off with dim sum surrounded by the ever growing crowds of people. Back at the apartment, we started "Band of Brothers" and got hooked.
- Sunday: Went to the middle of the island where there is a tropical forest reserve to be found. Five minutes walk into the forest and the surrounding city was forgotten. We walked a total of 10km; crossed a bridge swinging over the jungle canopy; took pictures of the tree tops with city towers in the background; met some monkeys who were kind enough to pose for us long enough to take many pictures of them picking each other's butts and swinging from branches; then fed some turtles in the pond before coming across a sign with a picture of a hand dropping food to the turtles with a big red X over it...oops. Dinner was followed by more "Band of Brothers". It's addictive.
- Monday: Started the day with "Band of Brothers", felt sick after lunch, postponed a trip to the famous Singapore zoo. Felt better after more "Brothers". Golfing at 3 when the sun was a bit lower (we learned our lesson), then a walk through the Botanical gardens followed by a yummy Indian dinner...
- This morning: woke up at 6am with intense sharp abdominal pain, followed by some digestive...issues. Luuk woke up a bit later with similar complaints. Yay for yummy Indian food...
- The rest of today: Options limited. Everything is closed for New Year's... cept for the zoo. "Brothers" is done, even the extras. And we don't want to go too far without our new best friend, Mr. Toilet. That leaves...swimming pool?

Cosmopolitan

This is one big shopping mall. I have yet to find a building that does not have some sort of shopping centre in it or around it. Not good for my habits of self-control. And dangerous to Luuk's wallet...
It's also one big fashion show. Not good for my self-satisfaction. Suddenly everything about myself, how I dress, etc., that I had no problem with before is continually more and more flawed in comparison with them. These petite, skinny, beautiful Asian women who would look cute in anything but of course they have to make it worse for us big, tall, fat, ogres from the west by dressing in the most feminine, attractive, fashionable clothing out there. Jeans are for losers or lazy Americans. Bring out the dresses, skirts, flowing, colorful, and beautiful. While we are at it, we will make it difficult for you non-Asian women by making every dress 4inches too short. And size L...we've never heard of it.
How these people afford it, I don't know. You pay big bucks to look so hot. Nothing is cheap in this place. Maybe at one of the little market stands I might find something costing less than back in Europe, like the hand carved chess set with only three knights we got the other day, but the necessities like food, shampoo and alcohol will suck your bank account dry. But then, why buy in when you can eat out for 2bucks a meal?
This place... Hip, modern, beautiful and nothing I expected. It's so easy to get lost.

Little India.

Little India, a section in the northern part of the city, is like a village from another world that somehow got lost in the modern Singapore that surrounds it. Streets are wide enough for a row of tightly parked cars and trucks, leaving enough space for one way traffic to flow at ridiculous speeds, somehow avoiding the criss-crossing pedestrians. Sidewalks exist somewhere under the restaurants and stores that spill out of their front doors. Flowers and pottery and bangels and little statues of a fat buddha sitting next to multi-limbed hindu goddesses and fruit and scarves, all for sale at special new-year prices. How much does this cost?, "Ah, that is 120, but I will give you a good price, let's talk. You like it?"

Past the market, down the street, an old mosque, more beautiful than any I have seen in Europe. Leaving shoes at the door, I ask for a robe to cover my bare arms but am told my a smiling lady that I am dressed "ok". There is no one around and the room decorated in intricate green and gold carvings and arches is peaceful and cool. I feel the urge to pray but not knowing how well that would go over from another god's temple, choose instead to wander quietly and take pictures, hoping Allah won't mind my irreverance too much. A few blocks down, a tall, simple, inspiring Methodist church. Then a colourful, aging building once belonging to a mission, now a women's centre. A man smiles at me from his truck where he sits in the heat, waiting for something or someone. Men here are friendly and polite, not yet once making me uncomfortable with their attention.
Later I find a hindu temple, covered in stories told by minature statues. Flower garlands drape the necks of gods and goddesses, men and women bow and cry and murmur in front of them, blessing, thanking, begging for good things to come. An old woman sits in front of an eight-armed goddess, moaning and wailing, eyes wide, crossed and wandering, her arms shaking as she makes a motion of pulling water over herself. A hindu priest in a long white cloth wrapped around his waist, his dark hair in a tight bun on top of his head, a red dot on his forhead, his bare chest spotted with white and red paint, accepts gifts from devotees and drapes them around the neck of the goddess of fertility. The temple is beautiful and sad, I leave with a strange feeling of dissatisfaction, the smell of inscense following me for another block.
The sun is higher and hotter now, my feet start to hurt as I approach a buddhist temple. Next door is another, and across the street yet another. I briefly think of Sioux Center and smile at the similarity. This temple is tall, to fit the cartoonish 15m version of a cross-legged, sitting Buddha dressed in bright yellow. At his feet, rows of candy, creams, milk, flowers and other gifts. A stern looking woman sits behind a sort of desk, playing with a cellphone and not-so-subtlely watching my every move. Next door, "the temple of a thousands lights", a room full of statues and flourescent bulbs of all sizes. No pictures allowed. Across the street, another temple, this one speaking of centuries of use, built out of dark wood covered in carvings and gold symbols. Gold buddhas in different forms sit under glass cases, oil lamps burn on stands in front of them From the ceiling hang chinese lanterns, to the side a large wooden buddha, fat and happy with big droopy earlobes. The roof is covered with hundreds of clay dragons.

My feet hurt and the skin on my arms starts to itch, indicating a deep burn from hours of walking in the sun. I head back to our apartment where smiling workers dressed in smart suits greet me. The pool beckons, where I soak in more sunshine, this time with sunscreen on my nose, and stare at the tall buildings surrounding the pool deck on every side, my blue pool towel the only bright color to be seen.

Ranting.

I watched alot of in-flight movies the past month. Some were quite good; others I would say that I wasted my time on but as they really just served the purpose of helping me pass the time on 8+hr flights, I guess I can't really say that. But they annoyed me so much that I am going to vent on you lovely folks.

Mamma Mia!: Absolutely ridiculous movie. Potentially amusing plot, lost in Abba songs that didn't quite fit the story line. Who makes a movie based on Abba songs anyway? A warning before I started watching would have been good. I never listened to them before; now I hate them. And the ending! Pff. As I am sure none of you will be watching it, being probably better informed than I was, I can spoil the twist... The girl finally figures out that she is ok not knowing who her dad is, is happy having three new men in her life who are equally as happy to accept her as daughter and spoil her as such (go figure), and then decides that she doesn't actually want to marry the guy she was going to marry and tells him at the altar that they should hold off for a while and travel the world together first. As if they couldn't enjoy traveling together married. What is with people and thinking that you need to experience life and the world before getting married, as if after that point you can no long experience anything worth while? As if it somehow magically changes the wonderful, happy relationship you had before you married into something less wonderful and happy? Marriage is a dead end; no wonder half of married people want out.

The Women: Meg Ryan's great come back. Usually I'm ok with, even enjoy, this sort of cheesy, girls-porn chick-flicks in which after a period of uncertainy (i hate him, i love him, is it really him, why won't he call?), the girl eventually gets the guy, he fufills her every dream, totally (and very realistically) reading her very mind and of course changing from the frumpy, disgusting, frustrating man to the perfect prince that she always wanted because he finally realizes how much he loves her, can't live without her, etc., and all live happily ever after. In this movie, starring only women (the men are mentioned but never seen, even though their existance controls every aspect of their lives), her husband is found to be cheating on her with some slutty hot easy-to-hate dumbo who is obviously inferior to her in all aspects except the attention she eagerly bestows on the said man (who of course happens to be rich and goodlooking). In the end, Meggy leaves her man, finds her self, and in the midst of it all suddenly becomes attractive to her husband again who wants her back (though of course he doesn't actually dump the slut till Meg says ok to a second try...bastard). So the moral of the story is: if your husband cheats on you, it's your own fault for not paying enough attention to him and allowing yourself to become dependent, predicatable, busy, and uninteresting. To get him back simply 'find yourself' (whatever the hell that means), create your own life that does not include him, become independent, throw your insecurities and, if possible, a bit of that old fashioned modesty into the wind, and then he will suddenly find you as interesting as the slut he's banging and all will be made well. In other words, change everything about yourself and show him you won't need him and he will want you back....and you will live happily ever after. Of course, men are just like babies and wives their abandoned toy.

Ahh.
I feel better.

Back to sunshine and 28*C weather. Today I am going to find some Buddhist temples and an Indian market. Lovely.

I'm sitting in the family van, on the way home after a game of putt-putt. I feel a light tap on my shoulder but ignore it. A few seconds later, another tap. I see in the rear-view mirror that Kayla is giggling to herself. She slowly reaches forward, unaware that I can see her. Her hand almost touches my shoulder and I quickly reach around and grab it. Ha! Gotcha!
"How'd you know my hand was there?"
I have an eye in the back of my head. Didn't you know?
"No way. You don't have an eye in the back of your head." Her voice pitches a little higher than usual, a hint of doubt.
Yes, I do. Every one starts growing one when they get married so by the time they have kids, they can always see what is going on behind them.
"Nuh-uh."
Yes, it's true. Ask dad.
"Dad, is it true?"
(Stiffled snicker...), Yep... (Hehe!)
"Nuh-uh. He's lying."
Well, just ask mom when you get home. You'll see.
"Nuh-uh. It's not true."
It is. Just wait till you get married, then you will get one.
"No, as soon as we get home, I am looking it up on the internet!"

Quickie

Lucy is drinking the last bits of my coffee out of my cup. I was thinking of getting seconds... A new cup might be a good idea.

Something that made me happy this week: finding out that there is a place in town where I can buy clove cigarettes! I haven't had one of those in over two years. I am so excited!

Another thing that made me happy this week: yarn. I took up crocheting again, just for a bit, to make a scarf for my old lady. She keeps commenting on all my big, fuzzy scarves, so I decided to make one for her. I had forgotten how therapeutic crocheting can be.

I have two weeks left of this semester. Before we leave for Texas I have to: research the Challenger accident, prepare my part of a one hour presentation, study for Cognitive Aging final exam, catch up on all the Cog.Aging reading (meh), get and finish the take-home exam for Human Error, pack for two trips (TX; Singapore), arrange someone to take care of my plants, stock up on Lucy's basics and take her to friends, work out details for when/how/with whom to do my masters thesis, find out of I am getting that internship at Vopac while in Singapore... and yeah, that's about it... Oh, and before Saturday I have to write a poem in Dutch about my father-in-law for Sinterklaas.

Oh, and a third thing that made me happy this past week: we put up our Christmas tree! And I love it, in all its gaudy glory!

and they will remember me for my amazing achievements reached with such incredibly little effort...

are psychologists allowed to self-diagnose? i think i am exhibiting some symptoms of SAD or winter depression or whatever you want to call it. i sleep alot, but not well, am always tired, feel very unmotivated, can't concentrate, hate going outdoors, and just want to curl up under a warm blanket all day. or maybe its cause i don't exercise enough, don't make myself keep a regular sleep schedule, and it's just plain cold in our house... hmm.

so, this masters program is (deceivingly?) easy. i will take a total of 6courses by the time i am done. i go to class max. 4 times a week. i have one big assignment for each class and only have one test, so far. what am i really learning, anyway? i am afraid i will leave this program feeling as incompetent and unskilled as i did before i started. shit. or maybe i know more than i realize i know and will be the brilliant psychologist who comes up with some world-saving theory or system that beats them all. yes, yes. that's me. the unmotivated, lazy, student who can't even bother herself to use capital letters when writing her blog, with dormant genius, just waiting for the right moment to show it's potential.

'tis the season to pull pranks...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/west_midlands/black_country/7704603.stm

"i'm all aloooone in the world... there's no one here besiiii-hiiide meeee-hee!"

i hate it when people go and get one of those things for their blog where you can only read it if you are invited.
and of course they don't invite me.
bastards.

luuk is gone for 10 days... 2 down, 8 more to go. i slept like a baby last night; 8hrs straight. if you know me, you know that is a feat worth celebrating. but i hate being alone in this house. its creaky and spooky when alone. and there are spiders, which i now have to kill on my own instead of calling my brave husband to do it for me. and when i am alone, i get lazy with cooking, so i start eating like crap which means either i get fat or i get under-nourished, depending on the mood of the week.

a once close friend who i lost touch with for the past four years found me on facebook yesterday. it's really quite cool to hear people's stories after you have been out of touch for a while. this guy, i though would spend his life in the same town he grew up with, married to someone he had known all his life, and send his kids to the same school and church and die only three blocks away from his childhood home. but now he is an engineer now for some nascar team in a completely different state. traveling the country. granted, he is marrying a girl from hometown...but he's taking her with him.
funny how things work.
i like facebook.

we bought a basil plant a few weeks ago. it started dying so i thought i was watering it too much so i stopped watering it as often and then it really started to die and i found out from an italian friend (of course she would know) that it needs to be soaked in water all the time and so i really soaked it and now its alive again... anyway,so this basil plant also came with a steady flow of fruit flies. they are everywhere. i thought i woulda killed them all by now but they keep appearing. and they are little bitches to kill too, cause they are small and they fly really erratically (wow that can't be how you spell that), so i end up swatting at the air most of the time. fuckers.

my cold is finally starting to wind down. i spent last week on the couch drinking tea and blowing snot all day. now i just sound like a dying smoker hacking her lungs out. this is slightly less annoying and disgusting. and my head doesn't feel 10lbs heavier. yay.

on that note, y'all have a good day. cheers!

d'oh!

my ballot application came back in the mail with no explanation. so i sent it again. but now i think it really is too late. crap.

Don't forget to vote.

I filled out my absentee ballot today. I think I might be late. Why doesn't Iowa have an online option for procrastinators?

Frankly, I am so sick of this year's political mess that I really don't even feel like voting. Maybe I subconsciously delayed my application for absentee voting so I would have an excuse not to vote. I am an irresponsible citizen. But seriously, what a circus. When did American elections get so crazy? Do candidates/parties in other countries spend billions on making a big show of self-proclamation and the defamation of the opposition? It makes me nauseous. I was actually excited to see Obama as a candidate. That excitement has turned hard and dark, like something cooked too long and too hot. The only thing motivating me at the moment to vote is the slight possibility of Palin becoming President. What an embarrassing disaster that would be.

If it's not too late, I will do my duty. And then, I hope never to hear the words "maverick", "change", "Obamarama", or "McLame" ever again. And if people even start thinking about the elections again before Jan 2012, I will sew little Canadian flags to all my bags and jackets and start saying "eh?" in every other sentence.

Vitalizee

yesterday, i had my first experience at a european spa.

a friend of mine is getting married and needed a de-stressor; three of us spent the afternoon together in much more intimate circumstances than i am used to spending with friends.

we feel much closer now.

i have never seen so many naked people in one place.

i have never been naked in front of so many people at once.

after about 5 min, i got used to it. no one is really looking any way.

4 hrs of steam rooms, saunas, herbal baths, whirlpools and salt scrubs: pure relaxation.

next time i am going to book a massage.

pre-quarter-life crisis

today as i sat in my 9am class for which i had pushed myself out of bed at 7:30am and forced my breakfast and coffee down my throat and rushed to the tram stop to get into the overfilled, sweaty, smelly tram, so i could again rush to the train where i could sit next to van Morningbreath, i realized that i was not met with the reward that any subject that i have ever loved learning about has ever provided. i am forcing myself through this because i have to. because i chose this masters program over others. because this program would require less premasters courses. because i thought i could start last year. which i didn't. so now i am regretting my overenthusiasm and lack of patience. maybe i shoulda waited for something better.

the art of applying psychology... really, marketing psychology or selling psychology... so not my thing. and what about this applied data analysis class i am doing? again, not my thing.
what if human error and cognitive aging turn out to also not be my thing? the only two other courses left in my masters program are neuromodulation and some other one that i momentarily can't remember. is that what i really want to work in after i get that nice little paper entiteling me to a bigger salary?

what i am i doing in this program?

i don't even know what i would prefer to be doing. all i know is that i don't like this at the moment.

maybe it will get better. maybe cognitive aging will turn out to be the class that starts my amazing, fulfilling, lifelong career in...old people.

when i started studying psychology, i did it because i thought it was really interesting. few subjects interested me as much. but the prospect of applying all these interesting facts about how people work and think, and actually doing something with it all seems so unsatisfying. so maybe it's not this program. maybe it, whatever 'it' is, is me.

i must be tired...

i fell asleep on the couch after getting back from a morning of babysitting and workgroups. i woke up two hours later. now i feel medicated.

oh, the big question... what is the meaning of life?

started my masters program this week. immediately swamped with assignments and work. will be a busy year. thats good, i guess. i feel slightly lost though. this is very different than what i thought i would be doing when i first started studying psychology. the current class i am taking is somewhat more in the direction of business and sales. its called the art of applying psychology but really it should be called the art of manipulating big companies into giving you their money. (the exact words of our professor himself).

shit, i just realized that i forgot it was garbage day today. now our garbage will be sitting in a bag on our porch for another week. ugh.

anyway... so not sure yet if i should be disillusioned, excited, or remain undecided until my other classes start and i can get a fuller picture of what this master entails and what it might mean for future career possibilities. in any case, i am not heading to life of listening to other peoples problems and trying to fix their emotional issues. or at least, not one that pays for it.

i will have to wait and see, i guess.

the things that make me smile...

the day i look forward to most in a week is usually thursday, when i visit my old lady. weekends are an automatic trump though. weekends are great.

the highlight of my week so far was when i walked into the door at the house where i tutor spanish. the youngest, eva, immediately burst into a tears and wailing, knowing that my presence means that mommy is leaving for what must seem like forever to a kid. but then the oldest, gabriel, came running up to me while yelling Bye Mommy!, asked me for Huggy, which means pick him up, and then wrapped his little arms around me and stuck his sticky nose into my neck and said I love you Amanna!
they are starting to say some spanish words, too. finally. which is great, cause it means that i am not a total failure at this tutoring stuff and i dont have to feel guilty for the money i make on it.

the most interesting point of this week has been the end to a drawn out fight with a mouse. he made his appearance last week when we were in the living room and lucy was running around freely. you would think he would be smart enough to stay out of sight. anyway, we tore apart the living room trying to catch him and/or squish him with the broom, but to no avail. he even ran across the tops of three mouse traps we have put in front of the space he would come out of behind one of the book shelves... and on sunday when we had 8people over, he came out again, even running around on the window sill next to the heads of several of our guests (much to the displeasure of some of them who prefer to stay away from these sorts of creatures).
we finally decided to use the same strategy as before and keep the door to the living room closed so he couldnt get out and to offer him only one source of food. on the mouse trap. finally, after days of chasing the pesky, though cute, mouse and after several failed attempts to catch him and after surviving several personal encounters with the mouse traps that never managed to get the mouse but always managed to get my thumbs and fingers, last night while we were falling asleep luuk suddenly exclaimed "I heard the trap!" and lo and behold, this morning there was a dead little mouse waiting for disposal.

after dealing with my mixed feelings of guilt and relief, i decided to head out for my day of babysitting/tutoring. i opened the door and for some reason looked down. right there, next to the door was a dead mouse. it seems that he had met his demise in the corner of the door as it was closing. the shape of the corner was seriously imprinted into him and his whole body was squished flat and well, in an L shape.

i wasnt sure if i should laugh or throw up. i chose for the former and picked him up with a bag and threw him out. now he is stinking up our garbage can. good thing its garbage day today.

Back to business as usual.

Luuk and I spent two weeks on the island of Vlieland (north, above Friesland) with his parents at the family summer house. The island is like a giant park, complete with forest, dunes, and beach. And a tiny adorable town on one side and summer homes and camp grounds on the other. We read alot, swam occasionally (in the freezing north sea water), played alot of Rummikub and a game called Toup (or something like that), and biked into the wind from one side of the island to the other (I still havent recovered). Relaxing, quiet, calm, restful...perfect for a short vacation.

Meanwhile, a friend was taking care of Lucy for us. The day before we got her back, they found out she is allergic to bananas. I have tried to feed her banana before but she wasnt interested, so I did not have the pleasure of finding this out on my own. At some point after taking a taste of someones banana, she started making gargling noises and wretching and foaming at the mouth. After googling what to do with a wretching rat, it was decided that the best option was to take her to the vet. So four people rushed this poor rat to the animal emergency room where she was injected with steriods and sent home after her swollen throat started to go back to normal size and she could breath again. She is now fully recovered and back to digging holes in my flower pots.

Today Luuk started working in a new section of the bank, part of the training program where they use the trainees to fix their lack of employee problem, a result of bad management, instead of sending them to the sections that they were promised. A bit of a bummer. But I guess that is the real world. It will be interesting, anyway.

I am back to an empty house, being the good housewife, until the masters program starts in two weeks. In the meantime I will be finishing the book for my old lady and putting the finishing touches on a three party bachelorette night with some friends. The possibility of coffee with Inge Henderson somewhere in the next two weeks has also come up.

I will post again when my life is a bit more interesting.

Cheers.

favor

anyone in the sioux center area can/want to pick up luuks sister from minneapolis airport on aug. 19, around 6pm? you will be duly compensated. :)

she has been smoking all her life and just turned 81.

writing in the morning will prove to be a mistake. it is not my brightest time of day.



today i visit my old lady. i really dont know why i call her that. i could call her mrs. gemert (with that gutteral g). or tante sis, which is what every one else calls her. but somehow i like my old lady better. mrs. gemert is too formal; tante sis too informal (though she did say i could call her that). hmm...my old lady....its personalized by using my, but the old lady part...maybe thats too impersonal...

whatever. i like it. i am sticking with it. till i am comfortable enough to say tante sis.



she is sweet, my old lady is. sweet and very direct, which is an interesting combination. and she likes to tease, though i dont always catch it right away so her jokes are sometimes followed by a look of slight disappointment. usually though, they are followed by a good laugh, even bigger when i look at her with a dumb confused look on my face. jokes in another language are just so much harder to catch...

yesterday she called me to make sure i was still coming today. i told her i was still planning on it. and she said that was good, cause she really enjoyed our visits and didnt want to miss it. i almost cried.

the book i am writing for her is going to be very short. maybe i should look at it as a long essay. or a short story. so far, 16 pages. but its the content i am worried about. i am writing in dutch. and my literary dutch is at a very childish level yet. so the book sounds like it was written by a ten year old. at least it will be easy to understand, if they can get past my various grammatical and structural errors. in each sentence. yeah, i am gonna need luuk to edit for me.

i hope i live a long and happy life such as hers. it wasnt without heartache. but it was happy. i just dont like the idea of living longer than all my friends and loved ones. that seems depressing. luuk and i are going to travel alot when we are older, so the likelihood of us dying together in a plane crash is higher. thatd be a way to go. i dunno what would be better. to die in your sleep, unaware that you are going. or to die watching the earth rush up to you, knowing these are your last seconds. hmm.

thats too morbid for a morning.

anyway. so my old lady. she is a happy person. but i think she is lonely. i wish i could do more.

i think i will bring a pastry for the coffee today. it was her birthday last week. she might like that. i would get her flowers, but the guy who walks her dog gives her flowers every day and she sometimes gives them to me when she doesnt know what to do with them all. i think he is secretly in love with her. but she thinks she is too old for love.

this made me smile.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7513571.stm

(watch the video too).

cheer up, little one.

my life is so small. i was browsing around in the blog world and reading about the lives of friends and acquaintences who are off saving the world or at least talking about saving the world while i am barely even thinking about the world outside of my little life...and i just got kind of depressed. partly because on the one hand, so much that other people are doing seems so futile in countries where their efforts barely make a dent in the larger picture of poverty, injustice, etc. (though i am sure the lives they do affect are better off and appreciative), and partly because i feel only more useless, lazy, and ignorant than i did before. in fact, my biggest concern at the moment is this very fact, that i lead such a small life, how lame is that? of course, i keep telling myself it is only temporary. i am waiting for the next step and cant really do much until then. i feel kinda like i am in limbo. though, i shouldnt be too hard on myself. i can give myself credit for holding out till the end of the year with that daycare project. i didnt really feel like i was doing much there and sometimes it was just so hard to make myself go watch a bunch of two year olds run around the room playing or crying for mama. but today was the last day and the mothers seemed very grateful and seemed sorry to see me go. i got a bouquet of flowers and a coupon for a spa and a couple of sticky handshakes from the kids who still cant pronounce my name correctly (to one i am tarratata, whatever that means). and then there is the old lady project, which despite the fact that my dutch story writing is going very slowly, is proving to be a success because we both enjoy each others company and that is really the whole point of the project in the first place. and my little guatemalan spanish tutor kids are starting to repeat words in spanish sometimes, so i view that as a success. perhaps a small life is good, after all, with its little successes and tiny accomplishments and small circles of influence. perhaps i should accept that i will not be a saver of the world but just a...what do they call it? a cog in the whole machine of human civilization? whatever.
i will stop feeling sorry for myself.
and maybe next year i can put my efforts into saving the insane and troubled of this little country so i can pat myself on the back once in a while.

yesterday luuk and i dined with the hendersons. we get to have them on this side of the world for a year. they havent changed much, though all the kids are taller, sabine seems quieter, rose seems to talk more, roger seems more relaxed, and inge seems happy to be home. they found the perfect house for a philosopher to write and think in, and it seems like they will all be happy in their little nest surrounded by fields, canals, and sheep. it was good to see familiar friendly faces and catch up on lost time. we will be taking advantage of this year with them only 1.5hrs away, i am sure.

meh.

its amazing how quickly i become incredibly lazy when i have nothing to do or anywhere to be in particular. i turn into this big lethargic blob staring blankly at the computer or tv screen, allowing ridiculous amounts of empty and useless shit into my head instead of doing something useful, productive, or educational with my time. you would think that i would take advantage of the opportunity to finish that book that i have been working on for weeks. or maybe start some repair work on some of the old furniture. or that painting that i cant quite get to look right on the last corner of the canvas... the only interesting thing that i have done with my time lately is play with Lucy and attempt to teach her not to dig holes in my flower pots.

i am not tired.

you know what is one of the best feelings? waking up refreshed, feeling like that (almost) uninterrupted full night of sleep was useful. for once, i am not tired. and its great!

lovely way to start the day...

our friendly and unafraid little mouse has been making his appearance in our living room quite often throughout the week. we decided to keep the door to the kitchen closed so that he might starve and be forced to eat off of our traps... instead, he decided that the food in Lucys cage looked good enough to try to sneak out. no idea how he managed to fit through the cage bars, they are barely over a centimeter apart.
this morning i noticed that Lucy had made a big mess around her cage. wood chips everywhere. when i took a closer look, i saw a suspicious looking grey little blob in the middle of the cage. upon closer inspection, i realized that it was a mangled, bloody, and completely headless mouse.

yes.

our rat fixed our mouse problem.

close encounters of the worst kind

last night (or was it the night before last?), i had just sat down on the toilet and was in a very compromising position when suddenly a big grey mouse ran in under the door and did a couple circles around my feet while i sat there screaming and completely unable to run away or do anything about it. then he quickly scurried away and disappeared while i pulled my pants up and ran to the nearest chair from which i could yell at luuk to come to my rescue with the broom.

yesterday i bought four new mouse traps. and my new secret weapon: butter.

so far, no halfdead mouse stuck between wood and wires, though the trap did snap in the middle of the night and the butter was gone when i checked in the morning.

how the mighty do fall...

holland was defeated in an embarassing game with russia last night. they barely even put up a fight. ridiculous. humiliating. disappointing.

this weekend involved my last dispuut night (with the student union), babysitting for kids who have never been left home alone with a babysitter before, hung out with my sister in laws and watched anchorman, slept in, helped our pastor painted her new apartment with others from our biblestudy group, watched the the most torturous game ever, biked home through a dead quiet den haag, slept in again, and was half an hour late for church this morning. as much as luuks constant nagging to hurry up, we are gonna be late, what is taking so long..., annoys me, apparently i need it to actually be ready on time.

lucy, our rat, is learning to come to me when i say her name, and i taught her that eating my plants is naughty. she stops when i start yelling. :)

holland massacres france (after humiliating italy) in their second european championship game. den haag is going wild! and i am writing about rodents.

i have a pet rat.

and today i bought a mouse trap.

two actually...

i set the trap with a piece of potato. within minutes i heard the trap snap. no mouse. i reset it, and this time it did not snap, but when i checked on it again the potato was gone. the mouse got a free meal, the sneaky dirty little bastard. he has been leaving evidence of his presence all over my kitchen. i have to scrub my cutting boards and wash my dishtowels and am even considering buying a new agenda because of him! and now he got a freebee.

oh well. he came back for more.

i was in the middle of a movie (under the tuscan sun...probably better as a book. but great for a lazy night home alone when the only other movies on tv are horror flicks and you dont feel like going through your own collection), when i heard the trap snap again, though it was a bit more muffled than the last snap. when i peaked into the kitchen i saw a squirming mouse stuck in the trap. i let him sit there for a while till i built up the nerve to do something with him and well, until he finally stopped squirming and died.

now he is in the garbage can, wrapped in a seperate bag, trap and all. i dont know how we are expected to take the mouse out of that tight trap without getting mouse brains all over the place... good thing they are cheap. the traps, i mean. trap number two is still in the kitchen waiting for any unsuspecting hungry friends of the late mouse...

i killed a mouse. happily. and i have a pet rat sleeping in my living room. what does that make me?

i hope she cant tell... so far she is pleased enough to sit on my lap and eat pieces of left over potato.

sigh.

it has been an eventfull week.

people over for dinner every night from wed through sat.

bought a rat; her name is lucy and she provides much entertainment.

got sunburned on sunday; helped with the youthgroup barbeque; realized i have somehow become very incapable of communicating with teenagers.

found ourselves a hungarian biology student at church; he decided the best way to travel and see a new country is to work in it for the summer so he just picked up and left home with nothing but good intentions and backpack. found out he was sleeping on the street in utrecht and offered to let him stay at our place for a couple nights. turned out he was very very uncomfortable with the idea of accepting help from strangers if he couldnt pay them back (though i guess the street seemed even less attractive); he kept trying to give us his bread and other food that he had accumulated along the way, refused to accept food from us till i told him he would insult my cooking if he didnt take it, and kept doing my dishes when i wasnt looking. no luck finding jobs, poor guy, and less luck finding someone who would rent an appartment to a jobless/moneyless student. today he took all his stuff and said he had found other means of accomodation but i am guessing that means a doorway somewhere next to the university which has lockers and showers that he can use when necessary. i am slightly relieved because he was so awkward to have around but feel guilty and worried for him at the same time. i guess he will learn to take money with him next time or at least to make more concrete plans...

tutored two kids adopted from guatemala by an american couple who now live in holland and will be moving to switzerland next year. the parents want their kids to keep some of their heritage. the kids are 16months and 2.5years old, barely talking, and not used to strangers. they are starting to warm up to me. the 2yr old, a boy, let me hold his hand when we crossed the street and the girl actually didnt cry any more when her mom left the room by the end of the day. the project is, i guess, a combination of playing in spanish and getting used to not being by mom all the time. in a couple of weeks we will be trying having the mom leave for a bit while i stay alone with the kids. i wonder how that will go.

volunteerd at the daycare this morning; put a kid on a chair for the first time cause he hit another kid...he didnt know how to handle that...i dont think he was used to discipline. but he actually apologized and was nice the rest of the day. good boy.

how do i keep ending up with jobs involving kids? if i believed in specific callings i would be slightly worried that God has somehow sneakily brought me to it. instead, i am ready to analyse whatever subconscious underlying factors might be leading to choosing these sort of jobs above something involving anything other than what i claim to really dislike. maybe i dont realy actually dislike working with kids. maybe i secretly like kids. or maybe i am just comfortable with this cause i have done this so long and am afraid to try something else.
egh.
september will bring change...

I am not a morning person.

6:30am : I find myself in the bathroom of my parents old house in Grandrapids. I am relieved that the bathroom is on the same floor as the bedroom and I dont have to scramble half asleep down the stairs, like our bathroom at home. Finally, the toilet. Ahhhh.... but why do I not feel relieved? What is wrong with this toilet? I try to look around the room and suddenly I am suffocating; there is a big fluffy thing on my face! I struggle to break free and hit my hand against the closet. What is the closet doing in the bathroom? And why am I laying down? Why cant I move? Everything is going crazy! And I still have to pee! Suddenly I open my eyes and realize I am still in my bed, my bladder is still full, and I still have to scramble down the stairs in my halfsleep darkness, after which I can crawl back into bed for the next 15min before the alarm goes off. Egh.

6:40am : I feel myself falling back into sleep...

6:45am : What is that beeping?! Luuk hits snooze.

6:47am : Mmm, sleep, wonderous sleep...

6:50am : Seriously, what is with the beeping?! Luuk turns it off and gets up. I roll over and put a pillow on my head and mumble, Please set the alarm for 7:30...

At some point between the front door shutting behind Luuk on his way to work and the time the alarm is set to go off, I crawl out of bed, set the coffee maker, get ready to travel across town to my tutoring job, chug my coffee which is still too hot to drink, and head out to the tram stop. At Central Station I wait for a half hour before I realize that my bus is late and I havent seen any other buses from that bus line... Shit. I check at the ticket booth. Yes, all the city buses are driving today, except the line that you need. They are on strike. And there are no other buses to the area. Wonderful.

why do i care so much about stupid things?

i love pictures. i love to take them, pretend i actually know what i am doing behind the camera lense, looking for the best angles and shots; i love to print them out and put them in books, to show them to people in person or on facebook or whatever means is available. i love playing around with them and turning memory into a form of art or at least something interesting to look at when i have the need to remember times long gone.

wedding pictures are the one set of photos that one would want to have the liberty to do that with. and they generally end up in the hands of photographers, simply because we couldnt take the pictures ourselves that day and had to depend on someone else to do so. what a ridiculous set up.

everything is different when it comes to weddings. and people accept it cause, well, its a wedding and thats just the way things work. and not to mention that there is alot of profit to be had in the whole business...

i am realizing more and more that i have a really hard time accepting the things over which i have no control. i lose sleep over those sort of things. and i play over and over in my head how i should have handled this or that situation to avoid being in the position i am in at the moment of no control. or how i will attack the problem to gain control again.

egh.

i am frustrated. and i cant sleep. and i have no one to yell at, even if i had the guts to actually do so. and what for, anyway? some things really are not as important as they seem to be.

i mean, seriously, there are people starving in africa; what have i got to complain about?

let the good times roll (but not too long cause i can only handle so much these days...)

this weekend was spent in antwerp with my dispuut (small group within a larger student union). i forgot my camera. so i am at the mercy of those who did take their cameras; probably, i will not actually ever see any photos. silly me.
our ride there shoulda taken less than two hours. we made a couple stops and get to the Scouts Center where we were to spend the night about four or five hours after leaving... coffee and icecream and traffic jams, good conversations and silly songs made our trip more interesting than any of the other cars packed full of tired students (this is the song that never ends, was a big hit).
the weekend included alot of walking, some alcohol, late nights talking outside in the drizzling rain, sleeping on a bad mattress with a bad pillow, fighting off mosquitoes, a tour of downtwon in the back of a horse buggy with a funny little old belgian dude explainging every interesting or old building in an accent that we could hardly understand, and coffee and beer with a group of hippies who play their incredible music on the streets to promote themselves and make the city happy. conversation with them was really confusing for me; belgian dutch is not normal dutch. very very hard to follow. but they enjoyed their beer and we enjoyed trying to catch their jokes and apparently funny comments that they kept throwing back and forth to each other.
luuk was in groningen partying with his old student union and joining a bachelor party. needless to say, we were both tired and probably a bit dehydrated when we got back and sleeping in our own bed was all we could think of when we finally saw each other again sunday night.
and now its monday again. i have a load of laundry that i am purposely avoiding, i need to buy some garbage bags and groceries, at some point i have to do some bills and loan stuff...and i am still wearing pajamas after noon and finding every excuse to just stay on this couch. :)

i could drink a case of you...

queens day came and went in a blur of orange, music, dancing, barbeques, and volatile weather. all in all, it was highly enjoyable. i love this side of holland...

the last few days have turned out to be warm and sunny. i now have a lovely farmers tan around my arms and neck. and today i washed our bedding and changed our blanket from the warm fall/spring layer to the cool summer layer. what an event. i almost feel like raising a toast to it.

tonight luuk is staying in some castle somewhere with the rest of the ING banks trainies and interns. they will all spend two days at this castle for a short training session of some sort. what a hard deal, being the newbies to this bank. weeks in a hilton, stays at castles, top class food and drinks... if luuk ever complains about this job, i might just slap him. but i dont think he will.

this past week luuk fought an ear infection. apparently it feels kinda like something is boring into your head and blowing up like a balloon on the inside. sounds pleasant. i usually complain about men being babies when they are sick, but this time i actually felt really bad for him. he was in misery. and kept me awake at night from rolling around in his sleep from the pain. poor guy. but now, thanks to antibiotic drops, he is himself again and getting better.

i am considering buying a rat. i need some pet of some sort. its been too long and i miss it. and no, luuk does not fulfill that need, despite animallike hairiness.

the neighbors across the street have a small fish tank sitting in the window. so far three different people have fed them since i have been sitting here typing this blog.

i could smile all day!

i slept last night. from 12:30 to 7am. didnt wake up once. that is, for me, an incredible feat (is that how you spell that???). and then i said goodbye to luuk who went off to work and i wont see till monday cause he is going to paris with some friends, and then i went back to sleep and slept again like a rock. it was amazing!

today it is sunny and will become relatively warm (in my opinion it is never actually warm here). i am going to find somewhere to sit in the sun. and hopefully find some people i know to join me.

wakeup, sunshine

its so much easier to wake up in the spring/summer than in the winter. especially here, where in the winter the sun doesnt come up till almost 9am.
but this morning, i woke up to sunshine pouring in around and under the curtains and it made me happy. i like waking up happy.

holland is beautiful in the spring. the people come out with the sun, sprawled out in chairs set in every available sunny spot between downtown buildings, drinking tea or beer or other refreshing liquids. they soak in the rays as they walk to and from work and smile quietly, unconsiously throughout their day. life slows down and the air smells sweeter. flowers pop up all over the place, and never in neat little rows, but wildly running everywhere that space and sun and sidewalks allow. and they grow undisturbed, with nice little fines handed out for those who might attempt taking a bouquet home for their moms.

sigh...i love this country in the sunlight.

love is about sharing.

so i have this cold.
first it started with an itchy throat.
so itchy i couldnt sleep.
i actually woke up at 1, 2, 4, 6, 7, and 8:15 one night cause it itched so bad.
and at one point, i couldnt breath cause stuff in my throat got stuck shut or something. i woke up gagging. that was fun.
but now that is gone.
replaced by one clear nostril and one runny/stuffy nostril.
know whats fun about the runny/stuffy combination? i cant sniffle. so my snot starts dripping out onto my face. and half the time i dont notice it till i feel something trickeling on my upper lip.
lovely.
at least i can still breath out of the clear nostril.
so i actually slept last night. only woke up once.
nice.

apparently the goldblonde i went for actually is orange. i have orange hair.

the tulips we got last week for luuks graduation are long dead and starting to mold. but i just cant make myself throw them out. i keep hoping i will wake up one morning and they will just be gone.
i really dont know where i would put them. we dont have a backyard, so throwing them outside is not an option. unless we want to finally get to know the neighbors downstairs... we can smell everything they cook through our bathroom vent. and we can hear their conversations word for word if we listen hard enough, though its generally in some other language. we kinda feel like we know them quite well already, even though we never met face to face. i suppose this would be a great opportunity. i doubt they would appreciate the effort though. those flowers are kinda nasty. interestingly enough, they dont stink. youd think moldy water would smell bad.
luuk is gone for a couple days. so liesbeth is coming over tonight so we can do girly stuff (read: drink lotsa wine and talk alot). one of our favorite activities is discussing our men. (no, that is totally not lame. so just pttsssttt!) its freaky how much alike they are. the latest similarity: they both bought the same briefcase on the same weekend. this will only add to their similar wardrobes(a ridiculous number of blue shirts), taste in music (trance anyone?), love for soccer, funny men quirks, and sense of humour that they both uncannily share. (is that the right usage of uncanny? meh...)

saturdaynight: we get our wedding pictures! its only been 3months and 2weeks. thats not too bad...

sunday: probably will be visiting the inlaws to show them our pictures.

this whole weekend: sunshine! finally! so i have to find a place somewhere in the neighborhood where i can sit outside and soak in the rays. maybe i can find a way to sit on the roof.

i stop watching myself for one second, and suddenly its chaos!

ever catch yourself doing something that you hate in others? like talking too much at biblestudy. or giving advice where it wasnt requested. or making lame jokes. or cutting people off midsentence, several times...

egh.

doh.

ok, in wishing to do something new to my blog, i managed to completely fuck it up. also, i lost my links to all your blogs. and the ones that i do remember, i am no longer allowed to see. what the hell?

new plans and a visit from the watchtower folks

wednesday i will be helping (for free) at a daycare for two hours.

after that, i will be joining a group of likeminded folks to take a short training course on listening and writing, so i can later be set up with an old person who i will visit weekly to listen to his/her life story and set it down on paper.
i am excited!

this morning: i was on the crapper when my business was interrupted by two friendly jehovas witness ladies at my door who were all geared up to convince me that i need jesus. i told them i already met jesus. not ready to leave without having had some sort of convincing discussion with a potential convert, they told me that as a christian that i should be aware of all the division within the christian church and all the denominations and whatnot and that i should be asking myself why this is and that i should be surprised at this division, etc. etc. i told them that no, i was not surprised, seeing as people are kinda like that in general, not always agreeing and stuff and that probably in this world we will never know the whole truth but only glimpses of the truth. as if they didnt hear me, they tried to tell me then that i needed to find the true religion and i told them i was quite happy with my religion but that i would continue to look for truth. and they gave me a nice little magazine that is supposed to aid me in my search. such nice ladies.

in their little magazine i was informed that a true christian can be identified by his/her belief that jesus is the son of God but not equal to God because he is a mere creation of God.
huh.
and i always thought that christianity was all about the divinity of christ.

i always thought i would enjoy having nothing to do all day...everyday...for the next five months...

this was the coldest easter in over 40 yrs, records say. officially three days past the first day of spring, we got our first snow. of course it didnt stick around for nice pictures or anything; just made biking to church a little colder than usual. today for just a little bit the world was frosted white. but that is pretty much gone already. the fun part is that because of the snow, traffic was back up for miles and the train system got a bit fucked up. i love that holland doesnt seem to know how to deal with a bit of winter weather.

luuk is back from his three week training. the three weeks with him gone turned out to not be so bad. i had to study for the first two weeks, so no distractions was good anyway. then i made a couple bootycalls to his hilton room (and made good use of pool, sauna, and the buffet, all compliments of ING bank....yes, they knew). now he is at his first real day of work...and i am bored.

things to do:
*call salvation army, see if they have anything for me to do for free
*start namechanging process and any resulting paperwork changes (new passport, license, etc.)
*work out final details of application for september masters program
*finish the dishes that i neglected to roam around on facebook for a while
*continue East of Eden

i am debating dragging them out a bit so i dont go through my to do list too fast...

passed: with a 7

i passed! i passed! i passed!

woooohoooo!

party time?
ah, right... i am home alone.
hmm.

i dont care!

i passed! i passed! i passed!

sometimes i wonder if there is something wrong with me. that or i am just really interesting.

ever read things with an accent?
i spent today reading a biological psychology textbook with a british accent.
just now i read kevins blog with a hick accent (dont ask me why...maybe to counterbalance or something).
and now i am rereading my own stuff with this weird north michigan accent. nope, no, now its switchin to hickness.
shit.

know whats a good feeling?

when you have been gone for a few days and then come back to the house you have been living in for a couple months, and suddenly you realize for the first time that it really feels like home.

life after studying

do any of you feel like you dont know what to do with yourself now that you are out of school? or whenever you do graduate..? are any of you panicking at the thought of going out into the wide open world of jobs and careers?
my whole purpose in life for the past 24 years (minus the first couple of years) has been placed and found in school. and now the prospect of that schooling career ending is terrifying.
the thought of having to find a job in some area that will in some way use my education, be fulfilling and useful and in some way add to my happiness if not just my bank account, is overwhelming.
i am literally petrified of life after studying. maybe i will just go on to get a further degree, phd or something. or an extra masters. and just keep studying forever.

they just wont go away

last night i was in the middle of a dream involving sunshine and happiness (k, so the details escape me...) when i felt something on my arm. half conscious, i brushed it away and went back to my dreams. a few minutes later i again felt something on my arm and this time when i brushed at it i felt a little squished wriggling ball of something real on my arm. i freaked out and started screaming or yelling or grunting (not really sure which), flailing my arms and pushing blankets and all creepy crawly things away from me. then i was tackled by something much bigger which then to my total confusion started whispering that it was ok and that i could calm down and halfhugged halfrestrained me. but the crawly tickly thing was still there but now on my foot and then my forehead and suddenly my back. quick dirty little bugger. after more flailing, wailing, and eventual crying, i got up and turned on the light to find the little monster. never did find it. i am positive it was a spider.

luuk now thinks i am slightly crazy.

i am still not convinced it wasnt real.

4.

yup. that is the score for my second attempt at the functional biological psychology test. i needed only three more questions right to pass with a 5.5. but of course i had to read the question about increased reaction time due to increased alternative courses of action and totally didnt know how to answer the question about woodpeckers who, btw, i dont remember ever reading about, and then there was that one question about decibles and percieved sound intensity that i just guessed about and shoulda gone for answer b not c... egh. i hate multiple choice. i am bad at reading in dutch. this test was both. and i failed miserably. again.
i suck.

last chance in march. if i fail that... well... poor luuk...

back to the middle of nowhere...

i accepted to babysit my nannykids from last year for two days... their new nanny is off celebrating carnival. i should be studying. but a couple extra euros is nice. and its been a while since i really saw the kids again. so now i am back for a couple days and nights. and in a weird way, i have kicked right back into the old routine. 'cept jules talks more and raoul can walk/run/climb and fall down stairs/eat more neatly than his older brother which makes for a different sort of care. their dad is home, sick, so mostly i am just extra help, aka driver/diaper changer. i experience a mix of nostalgia and desperation being here. i unconsiously missed the kids. its fun to be with them again and play secondary-caregiver. good thing its only for a couple days though. being here reminds me of being depressed and lonely and lacking a social life (besides dane who was probably my life saver during the week). rowing the boat again was interesting...kinda lost my touch. gained it back fast though. and now i have sore muscles. maybe i should work them out more often...apparently they aren't used to real usage any more...

tonight i go home to my husband, good wine, quiet, and my own bed.

change of plans...

so, no masters program for me this semester. i might be able to take some courses on the side, as a nonregular student. which is what i am going to try to do. i am kinda bummed that i wont be in the official program though. not quite part of the group...go figure.

its sunny today!

De Schuilplaats: a kitchen, dentist, hairdresser, meeting place...etc.

I stood off to the side, watching, afraid to sit at a table right away...they might not appreciate my awkward attempts at friendliness. They sat, spread throughout the large, colorful room, at the tables we had set up a few minutes before the doors opened and they rushed in from the cold where they had been waiting for half an hour to get in.
Rob, who had introduced himself at the door, being first in line and first to tell me I was a beautiful blond and he was happy to see me, stood next to me. One arm was pulled up into his sleeve where he hid a large bottle of some strong smelling drink in his hand. He told me he didnt need anything, he had this. But other people, they needed help. And he knew everyone, he said. He pointed to and talked, sometimes grabbing someone as they walked by to shake hands and tell me how he knew them.

See that guy, the big black one? Yeah, I know him. Hey, HEY! Yeah, man! Good to see you! (Slap on the back, met with a big grin on the big black guys face).

A woman with a stroller full of cloth and wrapped up bundles came in, her hair wrapped in a turban of sorts; she looked Russian or Eastern European anyway. She was followed by a quiet guy with long stringy blonde hair who stared at the floor and blushed shyly if you happened to catch his eye. Behind him walked a man with dark hair, combed and parted in the middle, wearing a blue pinstripe suit with a bright red bowtie and brown shoes that looked slightly too big for him. I couldnt help but smile as his clownish neatness in this crowd.

Oh, and see that one, (pointing at a wrinkled, skinny man in jeans and a large sweatshirt), yup, I know him. And that one. And that one. OH! AND HER!, HEY YOU SKINNY WHORE! (A short, not so skinny woman with frizzy redish hair turned, then smiled and rushed over to give him a big kiss and a Hello, hunny! Oh, I love this man...).
Yeah, this is the woman I live with.

What a strange crowd it was. Some dressed in rags, dirty and hagard looking, others in some attempt to decent appearance, looking equally as worn and tired with life. Some talking just a bit too loudly and laughing and slapping shoulders and shaking hands with everyone as bits of spit escaped from their over excited smiles as they talked. Others huddling in corners, sitting by themselves, or watching quietly the crowd around them. I felt the stares of many, some friendly, some admittedly creepy, most curious.

So, do you study? Ah...psychology. So, what, do you come here to study us? Right, you want to help out...but we are pretty crazy, eh? You want to examine us. Yeah, I know how it is.

The rest of the night consisted of dishing out food, smiling at people, not really knowing what to say, though met with general friendliness and some chitchat, and meeting Perry (whose real name is some French name that starts with Perry and continues for another ten letters or so...and who speaks four languages, apparently used to work in a hospital, has travelled to Florida Keys and the Spanish Canaries, and who has a son he never sees cause his wife wont let him) and Ron (who used to live in Rotterdam, was once a chaufer of sorts, and whose wife died three years ago, at which point he couldnt work anymore, eventually lost his license, and now is alone and travels 45min on Fridays to have supper with the others at the Schuilplaats).

When we left, Rob ran up to us to ask us to spend the night ith him and his buddies, so we could see what it is like to live in the streets. We declined, giving excuses of family waiting, exams to study for, etc.

Ah. You think we are criminals. Its too bad, we are nice. Nothing would happen. We just want you to see what it is like to live here. Yes, yes, you think that. Dont try to convince me. You said it. Maybe not exactly those words. But you said it. I know how it is.

so what does this mean for the rest of the year?

i dunno yet. gotta talk to the university this afternoon. if the program starts before feb 9 (which is the resit exam day), i cant start my masters this year... so i will have to find a job or have a baby or something (haha, just kidding...) and wait til september (assuming i have passed the exam by then).

in the meantime: back to studying for the same @$#%&*! exam...

bummed.

today for the first time in my life, i failed an exam.

:(

i am sad.

descartes forgot something

I have often berated myself for being so emotional, for sometimes acting irrationally, for being unable to make certain decisions free of emotion, for even experiencing emotion without always knowing the cause. Of course, much of that probably comes from those damn female hormones doing their monthly dance. However, to a certain extent, this emotional aspect of myself is part of what makes me human. A normal human able to do good and make good decisions... Reason is not everything. We do not need to experience emotion to be conscious, and we need to be conscious/selfaware to experience emotion. Yet, without emotion, consciousness is worthless. Yes, I think therefore I am. But it is not enough just to be.

Damasio (1994) studied a man who, due to a brain injury, could no longer experience emotion. He never became angry, was never sad (even about his own brain damage), he never enjoyed anything very much, even music. Far from being purely rational, he made amazingly stupid decisions, losing job, wife, savings. Though he knew and could rationally consider the consequences of any action, he could not decide which would be better because it did not matter to him one way or the other. He could just as easily make a decision that would win him approval as one that would get him into trouble.
Anderson et al. (1999) studied two adults who suffered from prefontalcortex injury as babies (thats the part of your brain linked to emotional experience); they never learned moral behavior, frequently made bad decisions, and did things like lying, stealing, etc. without showing any regret; despite having a normal IQ, they had no friends and could not keep a job.

Conclusion:
*while extreme emotions impair decision making, some emotion is necessary for making decisions.
* people who do not anticipate the unpleasantness of likely outcomes tend to make bad decisions.
* inevitably, emotions are inseparable from the idea of good and evil.
* i should no longer feel ridiculous for being emotional.

i shouldnt sit home alone..

was reading kevins blog and he had some questions i was thinking about lately too...

do you feel Gods love? does it exist? maybe freud was right, we just created this idea to feel better about life and ourselves. or skinner, and we have been taught to respond to certain religious stimuli and think we are actually having a spiritual experience.

during a biblestudy thing with my student union, we sang a song about worshiping God with heart, soul, mind. i think i kinda focus on the mind part, dont really work on the other two. i guess i dont really know how too.

ever wish for writing on the wall? i think thats part of my problem. seek and you will find, right? i just wish. dont do much actual seeking.
i have become very lazy.
and its affecting me in every way possible. i dont feel God anymore.

or maybe its just my winter depression kicking in and it will all be better in the spring.

still here. and fully married. :)

i am married.
the wedding was a blur; the only part i really remember well is taking pictures before the ceremony.
good thing we spent all that time preparing...
at least everyone seemed to enjoy the food, drinks, atmosphere. and it was fun. hence the blur.
the week before and the following two weeks were another type of blur, a combination of last minute planning, picking people up from and driving people to the airport, guiding the lost american and canadian family members around holland, trying to clean up our house then refilling it with more mess each time we opened presents or shopped with our wedding money.
somewhere in the middle we managed to break our new, yet unused, beatiful and no longer in production thus irreplaceable dish set by putting it all on a shelf that apparently wasnt strong enough.
that was fun.
i heard we werent the only dumbasses to do something like that. kevin and cassie have a story.
now the last family member has left.
and i am going to take a nap before doing some more cleaning.
i hope luuk gets home relatively soon from his job interview. he should be working by march. that gives us a few weeks to be lazy together. sorta. i have a test to study for. but whats a little studying... i never did overexert myself in that area...

happy christmas, new years, and cheers to all you all.

xxx

the nachttrein

a few years ago: the dutch train company started a nachtrein/nighttrain route that goes in a circle from den haag to leiden to amsterdam to utrecht to rotterdam to den haag. nice for people taking an early flight out of amsterdam. or for students who like to party late into the night. but if you start in den haag it takes a couple hours to go full circle to rotterdam, though they are relatively close to each other. anyway...

yesterday. leiden.
sinterklaas party with my dispuut. great fun, have new warm socks and candles for the house. headed home at 11:ish.
got to the leiden central train station just four minutes after a train left for den haag. had to wait for the next one, at 11:52. quickly checked with a passing trainstation worker if he knew if i would have a connecting train in den haag to zoetermeer. he said yes, one at 12:25, the last one for the night. ok, good. no worries.
waited for my train, realized two minutes before it arrived that i didn't have a ticket...oops. no time now though. didn't matter...no one checked.
bought a ticket immediately in den haag. decided to get a hot chocolate while i waited for the train. hotchocolate in one hand, newspaper in the other, headed to the usual spoor/platform where the stoptrain to utrecht leaves from; it would stop in little towns, including zoetermeer, on the way.
four ticket controllers stood there blocking the entrance. one offered to hold my hotchocolate while i fished my ticket out of my bag. nice man. joked about taking a quick coffee break, started to walk away with my chocolate. the others joked about him being such a gentleman. smiles all around, i laughed back, despite the predictability of each joke. stamped my ticket without really looking at it. i kept fishing for my ticket discount card. you get a fine if you don't show it with your discounted ticket. the man didn't need to see my discountcard, he was an old gullible man, he said. i smiled and said ok. walked away. they all laughed, "she just said ok! haha! you are old!"
got in the train, briefly checking the sign over the door. yup, train to utrecht. sat down, opened my paper, drank my hot chocolate.
somewhere in the back of my head i noted that the train was taking longer than usual to get to zoetermeer. and no stops in between. odd.
back to the newspaper... interesting article. no idea any more about what...
suddenly heard "leiden. station, leiden."
what???
quickly asked the girl across the aisle where we were.
leiden.
fuck.
this is the nachttrein.
i should have read the sign more closely.

i have a cold. i sound like i have been smoking nonstop for days. and i am tired. more than usual.
poor me.

bought sinterklaas presents today. while walking around the shopping area, we ran into two little zwarte pieten (really two white kids painted black...why dont they just dress up little black kids? save on paint?). a funny sight. cute.

we shopped for a washmachine and a tv today. kinda made me feel married.

currently wearing my new, comfy, soft, warm, extra long sweat pants that i got on a special sale cause some nice dumbass labeled it wrong but you get the price on the tag. i think it makes the pants feel extra comfy.

more wedding planning stuff today. well, this whole week.
only 27 days of this left! then the actual day will arrive and go by so fast we will wonder what all the planning was for... ah well. it will be good.

The things that keep my life interesting

*I might have to stay here illegally to be at my own wedding.

*The immigration office here keeps giving us different advice, sometimes contradictory, never really conclusive or helpful to our situation. Go figure.

*Apparently I have not paid for the course which I distinctly remember having paid which means I cannot take the exam yet that I need to take soon to get into the masters program in Feb...

*Most of our stuff is now finally moved to the house... currently piled on the floor in the dining room.

*Painting. I feel so productive when I paint. Maybe cause its the one activity from which I see immediate results. It is so simple. It makes me happy. (Though that could also come from paintingin a small room with windows closed and no fresh air...)

*The patio door opened mysteriously on its own at the apartment yesterday. The front door was open this morning at the inlaws house...where I am currently sitting, alone. All alone. (Im not scared.)

*I just made my sinterklaas gift wishlist.

officially wedded

i am legally married.
weird. i don't feel any different.
really, though, we are only half-married. maybe 28 dec i will feel like a completely different person.
i doubt it though. it's like birthdays.
cept for the whole new person moving into your house with you. i suppose that will feel strange. and good.

spanish tapas restaurants are great. (i find myself completely lacking any interesting english vocabulary. i'm losing it folks. next time you see me, i will be blubbering some combination of english dutch and spanish that make sense to no one from either lingual background...and it will least of all be interesting.).

spanish tapas restraurants are expensive. but the dishes are so good!
i can still taste the garlic.
mmm...

i have officially passed the party stage. we went out last night for birthdays of friends, ate tapas, then drank lots of beer, then went dancing. somewhere in the middle i realized that if i had one more drop of alcohol i would be spraying yummy garlic shrimp chunks over my half-husband. (yeah, that does sound weird). so i drank water for the rest of the night, despite the odd and disappointed looks from the bar tenders each time i went up for an order. apparently i look like someone they'd expect to be drinking something more exciting than water... or maybe they were hoping to have yet another girl dance like a stripper on the bar.
what is wrong with some girls anyway? do they not realize how stupid they look bouncing around with almost total lack of rythm in a lame attempt to be sexy? all they get is guys oggling their round parts. no real admiration. if you are gonna get up on the bar, at least know how to dance. or, just stay on the floor. that's an nice option too.
anywho. back to my previous point. i can't drink too much any more, and staying up till 4am just is not healthy. i am pretty much useless the next day. how did i do that before? actually, i probably was just as useless, but at that point it didn't matter... generally my roommates were in a similar state, so we just became one useless bunch together and no one noticed the fact that i had turned into a headachy blob.
ah. good times.

blushing bride

next week friday luuk and i will sign our names and our lives away to each other.
because church and state are completely separate here, marriage occurs officially in the city hall or anyother selected location where civil ceremonies are legal except never never never in a church. and of course, a pastor performed ceremony does not count.
because we seem not to be the only poor people in this country, all slots for free conduction of the civil ceremony are full from last month through the end of january, we have to pick some other random time before 2pm 28 dec.
and finally, because of some nice little glitch in the paperwork having to do either with visas or time between application for and the actual marriage, and some mis/lackofcommunication at the city hall, we have to have the civil ceremony before 28 nov.
thats fine, though we had wanted to do that part on the 21st of dec, so the two occasions wouldnt be so far apart. but really its no big deal. we see the church ceremony as THE ceremony, the one that counts. the rest is just names on a paper, the stuff we have to do for the law.
so, the plan was, take our four witnesses, sign out names, go out for pizza and have a couple beers to celebrate.
it is suprisingly difficult to get people to understand this foreign concept, however! the only people who do the civil and church ceremonies seperatly here are the royal family, and thats cause their weddings are several day long occasions...
anyway, since we picked the date last week, plans have changed a bit. parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, some cousins, and of course grandparents will be there as well, and who knows, maybe some friends. and i will be wearing a cute dress, which i still have to find but jeans is not an option, so i have been told... because of course, this is the point where we will be married. the church ceremony is symbolic, where you get your blessing from God. but once those names are signed, we are hooked. in fact, someone told me, after this point, we can even have sex! (after five years waiting...its a tempting option...which in case you were wondering, we arent considering... though... no. nope. egh. crap. i am off track.).
back to the point... which is, i am frustrated. (no double meanings intended). its really hard to keep things simple. really, i should just stop fighting it. and enjoy the festivities and details that have pushed themselves upon me in some ways.
i still refuse to consider corsages.
no one misses them anyway, right?

got a couple extra bucks?

k, i admit i saw this on oprah. but its a great idea...

check out: www.kiva.com. help someone from almost any where in the world build their own business with a loan of any size you want from 25dollars on. and you are guaranteed to get it back (well, 99.7% guarantee).

cook.

i am currently wearing a pair of socks that somehow got separated in the laundry and went through different loads...one made it to the dryer, but apparently the other didnt and itsnt fully dry. now it is sucking the warmth right out of my foot...exactly what socks are meant to do... but the other one is so warm, i hesitate to put on another pair. this semidamp one will dry in time, and then it too will warm my foot. in the meantime, i will just sit on that foot and let it suck the warmth out of my ass until its dry.

last weekend i took part in what is called the ontgroening of the first year members of NSL (navigators studentunion leiden). this is also known as the hazing period. being a christian union, it was pretty mild. mostly, it included shitty food, getting yelled at alot, and being allowed a total of 2.5hrs of sleep each night. also, we couldnt shower and they took our bags and extra clothes. se we were a very tired, smelly lot by the end. despite the hardships that we had to endure for an entire weekend, we made it through with little harm done and now are all happy ungreened aspiring members, till january when we become officially part of the club. the worst moment of the whole ordeal was standing before the committee at 4am on the last night, answering questions about the union and its history and singing songs that we had been studying for and learning the past two days. there is one particular song that you are allowed to sing if you cannot answer any question asked. its like a free pass. so, i and this other american girl who has decided to move to holland and coincidently studies a psych master at leiden and also joined NSL, practiced this song more than anything else, hoping it would be our saving card. of course, the minute we stood before the committee all the words mysteriously disappeared from my head. in the meantime, i managed to knock over a guitar, almost step on a pile of lit candles on the floor, and forgot the names and positions of each of the committee members (absolute must know). ah yes. i made a great impression.

its intersting how incredibly nervous one can get even about the things that you know really dont actually matter. the standing before the committee is really just a funny formality purely for the entertainment of the committee itself; if you do shittily, you still get in. so why the nerves? the loss of words? the blood pounding in my ears? who knows. i suppose its this weird psychological anticipation built up by role playing all weekend. we, the fetuses as we are so lovingly called, are new and ignorant and small, and must therefore listen to, respect, and obey the committee (despite the fact that i am actually older than most of them...). funny how that works. this big bunch of students allowed ourselves to be yelled at and mildly abused all weekend by five other students who have no authority over us other than that which we allowed to have.

now that i think about it, it was all pretty ridiculous.

but fun.

though now my sleep rythm is all fucked up again. ah well.

this weekend: painting, putting floors in, cleaning!
next week: move in???

!!!!!!!

We have an apartment!
Yay!

I am so excited!

ever have those days...?

living off of other peoples money is not fun.
i hate it.
every euro i spend, i think twice about and unless its use is absolutely necessary, consequently feel guilty about...
i suppose, the upside is that i am becoming very thrifty and responsible with money.

actually, i whats the most difficult to swallow is depending on others. i feel so indebted, though im not actually... why is it so hard to accept dependency, no matter how temporary? or how generously and openly responded to?

apartment hunting is turning out to be not alot of fun either. i have visited so many apartments in the last month that i have lost count. and yet, nothing.
why cant i just put in a list of requirements/desires in some box somewhere that could be met with a call and a key the next day?
i guess it will make it all so much more valuable in the end when we do finally find something, right?

i am getting excited for december. i am gonna see so many people i have missed for so long!

lately, i have found myself more concerned with what people think of me. little things, unimportant stuff, but also basic stuff... why is that? i cant figure it out.

in response to this apparent current depression, i am watching love actually. always makes me feel better.
yay for chick flicks!