"Repeat to yourself, 'I am super nanny, I am super nanny...' and you'll survive."

Carmela is coming today! She will be here in four (probably five) hours. Sweet! I'm excited! It's gonna be great to see her again! And fun to show her around. Weird to be showing someone else around here...I'm used to being the tourist...but I guess I've been here long enough.
I'm a bit nervous about going to the airport - I have to take the two youngest with me. Walking around in Schiphol with a 5month old baby and a 2year old boy is not exactly my idea of fun. And the baby is getting a second tooth already, and is super crabby. Jules is pretty happy though, and very excited about going to see the airplanes! So it might turn out to be fun anyway.
It's amazing how much nicer a room can look when you stuff everything into all available boxes and corners. :)
On a different note...Dane and I had a conversation last night about the US in the world. I mentioned that I wished, in a weird way, that the US would experience a war on their own soil. Not that this is a good thing...but it just seems that it's so much easier now for America to go to war because its always on the other side of the world and really means nothing to them. Even us who do not wish for war cannot possibly know what it is like and therefore do not actually care as much as, say someone from Iraq or Somolia, about the prospect of war. People here still remember the suffering of WWII. Luuk's grandmother lost family members, shot by the Germans. Many older people can telling you chilling and sad stories from those days. As a result, Europeans seem more hesitant to support war (though, I can't say the US seems all to supportive at the moment). They seem even less hesitant to joke about war. It has been a long time since the US has had war on it's own soil. America has forgotten what that sort of pain feels like. Like a child that bites because it no longer knows what a bite feels like, perhaps a nation, or at least a government, should be reminded of what the pain they are inflicting would feel like on their own flesh.
But perhaps I am speaking of something about which I also know little.

"The Little Mermaid" is done, and now the menu music is repeating itself over and over. Time to put Jules down for a nap.

Enjoy the snow, all you folks in the midwest.
I'm jealous.

Happenings

Let's see...
Survived the New Year. More than survived it - enjoyed every minute. I had the perfect amount to drink, just the right number of oliebollen (not too much, but enough to feel satisfied), played games (in Dutch!), carried on normal adult conversations (in Dutch!), kissed at midnight (in...French?), watched the boys blow up fire works, watched the (once again, very drunk) neighbors start a fire in the middle of the street, smoked a cigar, and danced all night long. It was good. The best New Years I've had here.
Next morning. News: Saddam is dead. Strange. He's been the bad guy for as long as I can remember. And now it, at least the part where he is concerned, is over.
You can watch it on youtube.
Who would want to see that?
I suppose I do not hate him enough to derive pleasure from watching him hang. The reaction here was, of course, a mixture of disgust and joy. Some are happy to know he's dead, others think this all was a horrible display. I do not feel much of either joy or disgust. As terrible as this sounds, I am too far away for him and what he's done to have an affect on me further than momentary horror. Theoretically, I suppose I think he got what he deserved. For some people, and in very few extreme cases, I think death should be their just penalty. Though, I must admit, I still cannot help but wonder who can actually be close up for those moments and live with themselves? I can support it easily from a distance but could I make the decision? Who could? Then again...I've never lost my family to a massacre or been raped and tortured...
Tomorrow I am taking the theory test for my driver's ed. Wednesday, my second driving lesson.
I found out that since I've had a license for four years already, when I get mine here, I can drive under influence of greater amounts of alcohol than the others in my class.
Luuk and I have decided to talk to a wedding planner. They are all forty year old women that love to plan other people's festive occasions. Entertaining, I promise!
On to studying traffic signs.
What a life.
Cheers.

April Fools

Remember that prank we played on April Fools last year? Maggi soup flavour blocks in the shower heads and icy-hot on the toilet seats? I found out today that it actually worked! Jan's girlfriend lived in East last year. We were talking about pranks, and she started telling about how annoyed she was with the icy-hot prank that some people did and how horrible it was to sit on the seat...I started laughing and finally had to admit why... Hehe!
Ah, belated satisfaction!

Post-Christmas

Short blog:
-Christmas consisted of three nights of celebration: Christmas Eve, went to church after yummy food; Christmas, church in the morning, another dinner that night; Tweedekerstdag (second Christmas day, actually official here) had big party and lots of food, which was absolutely delicious. Luuk's grandpa makes an incredible hare dish. His mom and aunts are splendid cooks, too.
-Dane came along; I think he enjoyed it. If nothing else, he was amused by Luuk's family. :) They have their quirks. I love them.
-Four year anniversary with Luuk on Dec. 27! Wow. It's been that long? I gave him cuff-links. He gave me tickets to Mexico. He also gave me his cold.
-In Groningen till Jan. 1. Tomorrow night, big party! Oliebolen!
-I'm sure I've gained at least five pounds...
-Luuk and I are very bad shopping partners. We both bought more clothes and lots of movies. Dane, we have more than you now.
-I'm broke.

Thought I'd share...

I am continually amazed at how much poop comes out of this two year old kid. How can something so small and cute produce such incredible amounts of something so intensely rancid that nothing can explain the potency of the resulting smell other than the reacting lurches in my stomach...?

In Mexico we had one of those butt-washer toilets in our bathroom. One of those would come in handy right now... I could just set him on it and walk away until the smell has been dissolved into the drain.

Let me restate both my hesitation to have one of my own little poop-machines and my amazement at the insanity of so many people out there.

Why do kids like Blue's Clues? The dude who does it is nuts...

First frost came yesterday. I took a walk with Jules and Raoul and admired the myst that lingered over the canals and fields, the thin layer of ice and zigzagging cracks, and the frost and ice covering everything that hadn't been touched by the sun yet. This place is really quite beautiful...
Last night, driving back from Uithoorn, I could hardly see 4ft in front of my car. The fog was incredibly thick. The water in the canal was super calm though. It looked like a mirror. Dark, misty, creepy, beautiful.
My car is doing weird things. Everytime I turn on the right blinker, the brights, or the fog lights, the wipers go crazy. But the windshield is pretty dry, so the wipers stick and make annoying noises. Never happens with the left blinker. Strange.
Coffee is good. I'm going to make myself some.
I slept like a rock the last two nights. Mind you, I purposely did not say that I slept like a baby...why do people even use that phrase? It doesn't actually reflect true baby sleeping habits. Babies wake up at least three times during the night to fuss and cry until you yourself wake up and give them some food. This past weekend I stayed home with the kids so Jeroen and Ingrid could have their first night away, alone, in four years. And sleep was not an option. Raoul woke up four or five times and simply would not sleep soundly. Finally I put him in bed with me, at which point he slept peacefully but I did not because of a combination of him sticking his feeting into my back, insisting on putting his hand by my face, and my being too worried about rolling over him. I'm never letting my kids sleep in bed with me. They'll never get used to it then, I won't have to wean (sp?) them off of it, and I'll have my own space. But, seriously, I am more and more debating the idea of having my own kids... Maybe I'll just adopt after the age of 3 so I don't have to deal with that stage.
You've gotta be concerned about a world full of people crazy enough to actually purposely have babies...
About that coffee...
Have a good one, y'all.

Why I quit the VU.

Last week I attempted to find my grade for my last exam. I found out that I had been kicked out (without any warning or notification!) because I hadn't handed in some paper from the city that say's I'm here legally. I got the paper, brought it to the VU, found out that actually, no, that wasn't the right paper, I needed a different one. Ok, so I go get that one. I could expect to be fully registered (finally!) by Monday, and then I could check my test grades.
Wednesday I got back to the house around 11pm, and an envelope was waiting for me on the ladder to my room. Ah, a letter from the VU telling me that I was finally officially registered.
I opened it, reading the Dutch side first. Thinking I misunderstood what it said, I quickly switched to the English side. No, I was right the first time: "Dear Miss Vanderploeg. We regret to inform you that you may not follow this study part-time... We are therefore returning your application file... If you wish to follow this study, please apply for the full-time program... If you are not happy with this decision, you may contact so-and-so and write a letter of complaint as well as a proposal for an exception to the rule to so-and-so..."
You've got to be kidding me.
I've been there for three months. The entire time I have run around from office to office trying to complete everything necessary for registration. I have talked to both the Psychology Department and the Hoofgebouw (main building...basically, the big guys), and even met several times with the secretary of the exam commission (who just so happens to be the advisor for the psych department). When I attempted to talk to anyone, I was always first sent to the other building where I was usually told that they couldn't do anything and I should go to the other building for help.
-I've already been there.
-Oh, well, I really can't help you, go talk to them.
-Fine.
Back at the first building.
-Oh, you're back.
-Yes, they told me only you can help me.
-Oh. Ok. Well, let's see what we can do.
Three months. Each time, my file was looked over for any missing details. Each time something else came up. But never once did any one mention that I couldn't even study the program in the first place.
What the hell?
So, what should I do? Sign up and pay for fulltime and just study parttime? Or attempt through several letters, more meetings, and another long line of bullshit, to be granted an exception?
I went to the VU yesterday to figure out what to do. First, to the Hoofgebouw.
-Yup, can't study parttime. Those are the rules.
-Why wasn't I told this from the beginning???
-I'm sorry, I really don't know.
-What can I do?
-Well, the letter says...
-I know what it says. Those are my only options?
-Yes. (Giving me an angry look, as if somehow my being angry about the past three months and this, the final straw, was somehow unfair or inconveniencing her...)
-There's nothing else-
-Those are the rules. But you should talk to someone from the psych department.
-This is ridiculous! How am I supposed to know this? Some one should have told me so I wouldn't have to go through all this running around. (I explain further about the last six months. She looks annoyed)
-Go talk to someone from the psych department. Maybe they can help.
-Fine. Thanks for your help. (Very sarcastic, angry undertone.)
To the psychology building. I run into the psych department advisor - ah! Just the man I want to speak to! I explain my situation. He looks at the letter.
-Oh, yeah. You can't study parttime. It's a psych department rule.
-Nice. So, why wasn't I told this before?
-I don't know. But it's not allowed.
-Well, I can't study full-time.
-I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do. Those are the rules.
-Well, if the rules are so important, they should be made a whole lot clearer for students attempting to get into this place!
-Yes, well, that's the way it is.
-There's nothing you can do?
-Let's meet tomorrow.
-Ok.
But, after a couple of frustrated tears, a long talk on the phone with my mom, and a good cup of coffee with Dane, I've decided to forget it. I wished once that I could have an excuse to quit - perhaps I wished too loudly and God heard me. Suddenly I wasn't so sure about this wish. This sucks - I want to study! Maybe I should take this as a challenge, stick it out. Prove that I can do it. But, I think my mother is right about two things: 1) If I'm not carefull, I will stress myself out too much and at somepoint have some sort of breakdown. I am in a different culture, country, world, I have a relatively stressful job, I don't know many people here...etc., there are many reasons that I should be stressed already, and allowing myself to continue to be stressed by a university that has a horrible administration system is not going to help. The benefits are too low anyway - it's not worth it. 2) Perhaps God is breaking down a bit of my pride. I'm definately having lots of opportunity for that this year. But one of my biggest pride issues is doing things on my own. I like to be independent. I want to show that I can take a little shit without breaking down like a baby. But maybe this time I can't, and that's ok. So... thanks, Mom, for putting things in a different perspective for me.
Thursday I felt an incredible amount of regret, but now I just feel relief. Even the idea of not having to deal with the VU anymore has relieved some stress.
Now, on to finding a yoga class and maybe even a photography course!

There's some strange gases eeking out of the heater in my room...

I dreamed last night that Ross was pregnant. He had a cute little belly that stuck out above his belt. And no one thought it was weird. He even started using the women's bathrooms and chatting with women at the mirror while washing hands. He was, however, still the same old Ross. He still sat quietly in his own corner sometimes, rocking to the music in his head. And he still made kawing sounds whenever he saw Reid.
I never got to see what his baby looked like because I woke up before he hit his third trimester. Oh, the disappointment!

Quote: E.B.White

"[Grace] can be dissected, as a frog, but the thing dies in the process, and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind."

Quote from "The Magnificent Defeat" (Frederick Buechner)

"For what we need to know, of course, is not just
that God exists, not just that beyond the steely
brightness of the stars there is a cosmic intelligence
of some kind that keeps the whole show going, but
that there is a God right here in the thick of our
day-by-day lives who may not be writing messages about
himself in the stars but in one way or another is
trying to get messages through our blindness as we
move around down here knee-deep in the fragrant muck
and misery and marvel of the world. It is not objective
proof of God's existence that we want but the experience
of God's presence. That is the miracle we are really
after, and that is also, I think, the miracle that we
really get."

Fotos

I borrowed a digital camera for a week, and this is what I got when I remembered to take pictures:

The canal that I cross every day,

with this boat.

The neighbor's windmill.

Beautiful Holland.

Swans.

They are everywhere.

(Fascinating, when you grow up where swans are nonexistant).

This guy hissed at me.

I took his picture and slowly backed away.

(He's more scary-looking in real-life close-up.)

These guys are also everywhere, but are super skitish and always fly away before I can take their picture. Getting closer was not an option...

Foggy mornings...sometimes whole days...

(Can you see the hundreds of geese in the field? They are loud, annoying in the morning...)

@#$%!!!

Damn it. This computer. It just erased a post I just wrote. 
Attempt 3 (yes, that's right...third attempt...lucky for you, it's shorter).

I feel drunk. 
It started last night. I went to the bar with Dane anyway. But even one beer was a bad idea. 
I felt as if I stayed in that smokey room any longer, I'd get sick.
The cat bit me again yesterday. I started to think this feeling was the result - maybe I got tetanus.
My jaw even started to feel stiff. That could be a result of constantly stretching it to see if it still
worked.
I don't have tetanus.
Driving home was surreal, taking the curves in the dark, with only the headlights to help me 
keep my balance. In my head, a dream from a few nights ago replayed over and over. 
In the dream I crash into the canal and almost drown before I'm saved from a friend of mine from Mexico. He died last year. In a car accident. 
Sleep didn't help. I woke up dizzy and off balance. The feeling is more dull now, but
if I turn to fast I have to steady myself or I'll fall over.
It's foggy out and I have to drive to Amsterdam. Probably not a good idea. 
Oh well.
I will pretend that I am late to GEN300 with the effects of last night's party still wearing off.
Cheers. 

That cat's aren't allowed in at night

It's almost 20*C outside today. This week has been full of record breaking temperatures.
Nice. 
Not so good though, in the bigger picture...
I took Jules and Raoul on a long walk. On the way we passed a house that we walk by everytime
we go on a walk. An old lady lives there and shealways waves at us from her window. 
Today she came out and offered me some coffee and Jules some milk. At first I was skeptical
(never met her, why's she offering me coffee?) but she was friendly, so we went in. There were three cats in the kitchen, sitting in front of a small stove heater. They are allowed in the kitchen, she said, but not in the rest of the house. She doesn't mind if they come in during the day, but at night they make a mess and she prefers they stay outside. She told me about her space heaters, which are strategically placed around her very small house, keeping it almost unbearably warm. She pointed out that
the heater in the old fireplace is broken because it used to look like real fire and it only heats but 
doesn't look nice. She should have someone come and fix it. It used to look like real wood burning. It was so pretty. She showed me her bedroom, also very small, and proudly pointed out that 
the space heaters keep the whole house warm, and there is one in the kitchen that uses oil, and 
the one in the living room that is in the old fire place gives warmth but is broken and doesn't look 
pretty any more. Her house is small, she said, but that is good because it is just her now. Her husband died a long time ago. He was a very good man. Her daughter lives next door though. Her daughter buys her her groceries so that she doesn't have to cross the canal in the boat. That is nice, because she is old. She's been here since she was 38 and now she is 88 years old. Her husband died a long time ago, but her daughter lives next door. She doesn't get too lonely. And some boys live close by. They used to visit, but now they go to school.
Did I want coffee? Yes, that would be nice, thank you. Oh, she is out of milk. Coffee without milk is no good - she didn't want it either. Perhaps another time. Her daughter was out buying groceries right then, she does that for her you know.
A cat walked into the room and she kicked lightly at him, telling him to go back 
to the kitchen. They are allowed in during the day, she said, but not at night because she can't watch them and make sure they don't make a mess. They like to sit in front of the heaters though, so she lets them in to warm up a bit. The cats do actually sit right in front of the heater in the kitchen, I noticed, they sit straight, chin up, belly facing the stove. I looked back at the lady, she had a huge grin on her face as she looked at Raoul, sleeping 
strapped to my chest. She touched his cheek and told me about her grandkids. They used to come around alot, but now they have school. She looked sad. She commented that his cheeks were cold. Good thing she has so many heaters, she said. They are very warm; the one in the kitchen uses oil, and the one in the living room by the fireplace used to look pretty but it's borken. She should get someone to fix it, but at least it still keeps her warm. 
Did the little boy want a cookie? Some boys live next door and and they used to come over a lot. But now they don't. They have school and friends and other things that keep them busy. It's too bad. But, her daughter lives next door. She brings her her groceries. Today she is getting more milk. Did I want coffee? No, that would be nice, but perhaps another time. Oh. Ok. 
I should go, I said. Oh, that is too bad. I should stop by some other time, because she doesn't know many people around here. She's from some other town. She just moved here and doesn't know anyone. But her daughter lives next door. Her husband used to live here, but he is dead now. He was a good man. Oh, the cat is in the living room. He likes it here, you know, because it is warm. Except, the heater in the living room is broken.
Well, thank you for the visit, I said. Perhaps I will see you again. Yes, that would be nice.
We left, and she closed the door behind us, with a huge smile on her face. I could hear her scolding the cats as we walked away.
I wish I knew her name.

Weekend.

My mom called on Thursday to make sure I wasn't depressed cause I was spending thanksgiving by myself. Heh? Thanksgiving? Oh, yeah. I forgot. Weird. Well...not really. It wasn't usually a huge deal in Mexico. Cept, we did get together with fellow missionaries for a huge meal. But we did that regularly enough that it didn't feel particularly different, I suppose.
Hung out with Liesbeth last night, stayed up till almost 4am. Had 4 beers and that was enough to give me a headache this morning. That, or I've been getting migraines my whole life but don't know that that's what those headaches really are. Or I have a tumor that's gonna start growing out the side of my head. I'm tempted to get a diagnosis. Today it was so bad I cried. I felt like such a baby. Luuk gave me a head massage. Very nice. I recommend it.
Liesbeth's new bf is sweet, good for her. But, I'm biased. He reminds me a bit of Luuk. Can't help but think he's cool then.
I am going to watch Memento now. Apparently it's a good movie. Never heard of it. Hmm. I hope it's good.

Nederengels

It's hailing right now. 
Not big hail, just little chunks of ice, 
but enough to make the roof rattle and the windows sound like they are about to crack.
I just set the coffee pot on and now the kitchen smells good. 
Like coffe. 
The kids are at school and the neighbors, so I have the house to myself. 
What will I do with my free time? 
Drink coffee, eat something, read blogs, wait till it's time to pick up Camiel.
Today I have my first practicum assignment.
I won't bore you with the details, but getting into a group was a mess.
Now that I am in one (kinda thrown in as an extra) 
my schedule isn't making it particularly easy to be much help. 
Ah well. It will work out.
I am beginning to wonder if I really am seriously affected by the weather. 
I joked about it alot before, but never really believed it. 
But then, I have a zillion logical explanations for feeling a bit down 
(lack of sleep, bad weather, need exercise, change does this, etc.).
None of it makes a difference.
I'm getting tired of translating all the time in my head.
Literally - it's exhausting.
I'm go drink coffee.
Cheers.

 Shit. There is something wrong with blogger...When I write, instead of fitting to the screen, the words just keep going till I press "enter"...so they end up off the page. So, I'm making each sentence a new line. Pff. Except for this paragraph...That worked fine. WTF. Egh. I give up.

What was I thinking?

going to a foreign country completely unprepaired financially.
finding a job as an au pair in the middle of no where.
spending money a bit too freely.
forgetting to pay for parking, resulting in a 47euro ticket.
not keeping track of my phone calls, resulting in a ridiculous cellphone bill (about which my wonderful fiancé, who was paying for it, is not too happy...)
not finding out exactly what is required for my current course at the VU.
assuming the VU would work out well.
assuming this would be easy...

what the hell was i thinking?

My head feels like a balloon loaded with lead...

this weekend:
- planned on taking 12:44pm train; would have worked if Camiel's class wasn't the last one out (15min late!), the neighbor's had opened the door right away (instead of leaving us standing there waiting for 5 min), and the fucking semi hadn't pulled out in front of me (cutting me off) and then driven 10km below speed limit, all causing me to miss the train by one minute (it was leaving the station as I parked the car...). ah well. i got to Groningen an hour late. it happens. alot, around here.
-was surprised at the station by Luuk, who was carrying 23 roses. :) (and who had been expecting me an hour before, but since he lost his cellphone, thought i went to his place, biked home, found out i'd called a zillion times to tell him i'd be late, biked back, and caught me just before i was ready to leave. cell phones are the most wonderful, helpful invention, i've decided.)
- used one of my movie gift certificates: watched "Babel" (very good!)
- the movie theatre: the kinda place that people who love movies but hate popcorn, crying kids, and blockbusters go; contains a classy (though not overpriced) restaurant and a bar; promotes european, cult, and independent films; red carpet, wide stairways, candle-lit, low lighting, classy atmosphere; extra bonus: less expensive than other theatres. nice.
- beat Luuk at Settlers (the card game...)
- slept in till 12 on Saturday
- woke up Sunday with Luuk's cold
- was ready to take the 8:17pm train last night (so I'd be home by 11pm), when a train broke down between Groningen and the next station, stopping all train traffic for hours; had to take the bus to the next station; a normally 15min train ride took almost 60min by bus; ended up taking different train (the one that stops at every station instead of going straight through); got home at 12:30am.
- waking up this morning sucked
- i did sleep very well last night (!)

Last night, "My Utmost for His Highest", topic was the new life after Christ and experiencing grace. I suddenly realized what part of my problem is: I have never had that black/white old-life/new-life difference. I grew up in a Christian home, can remember at least 5times praying ("this time for real, cause last time I didn't mean it!") for salvation, but cannot remember ever not believing in God... My life is really a series of old and new lives, neither of them really that different from the last. How do you see grace when you cannot compare it to lack of grace in your own life?

There's something clinking in the dryer...

Tuesday, went to HUKA bar with Dane. Tried new flavour: orange. Not bad. While smoking, the man with the smile from Dulac Bar came in, asking if we wanted pictures. I asked if I could take one of him with my camera. Had to explain that a couple times. In several languages. Finally, got picture with the smile man. When I told him I liked his smile, he smiled. Bigger than usual. He shook my hand before he left.
The cat attacked my ankles again today. Fucking cat. He made me bleed. I used to love him. But now I cannot enjoy his presence because I am watching him the whole time to make sure he's not preparing to pounce. He always waits till that second that I'm not watching. He's smart. Takes me longer to respond with a good kick. Today I threw him outside. And we were getting along so well...
I got a package from my parents today: books and chocolate from Mexico that is used for drinks. Best present yet. Though, Froukje promised to get me underwear. That's always nice.
The other day, I somehow managed to get a gigantic sliver in my finger. (K, so it wasn't that big, but you'd think it was by how much it hurt!). Took forever to get out. Now I have a scab under my skin. Weird.
I'm reading "Mere Christianity". CSLewis, brilliant. Maybe this will help...
Take it easy, all. Enjoy the weekend. I'm sleeping as much as I can! Oh, so exciting!

Er is iemand jarig, hoera hoera!

I got up at 7am today, half an hour earlier than normal. Not my idea, btw. Though, I should learn to think a bit more like Joshua who said that he liked to get up before sunrise on his birthday and stay up until he couldn't keep his eyes open anymore so he could enjoy his day for as long as possible. I'm more content with sleeping and being lazy all day, but I like the positive outlook...it's a nice thought.
The kids came into the kitchen singing a song in Dutch that they didn't know (so it was more like every fifth word of the song as their dad sang in the background), each carrying a present and a huge grin. Very sweet. :)
Watched "The Little Mermaid" and "Finding Nemo" today with Jule (no reason for the undersea theme...just happened).
Drank too much coffee, made myself a super delicious salad (there is an incredible assortment of cheese in this country, goes really well with salad!), and took the kids on a walk even though it was kinda foggy today... The weather makes me feel like I'm in a Brontë novel.
My ring is too big for my finger suddenly and keeps flipping upside down which is really uncomfortable and annoying.
I'm going to Amsterdam to walk around and wait for Dane to get out of class cause it just seems like a better idea than sitting here. I feel like treating myself to a nice dinner...but eating alone seems too lonely for tonight. I'll content myself with being somewhere outside of the house, surrounded by adults (albeit, strangers).
Later we are smoking a huka (fuck the spelling...).
Ciao.

I listened to Bright Eyes three times in a row and smiled like I was on drugs the whole time...

Oh Ann. You're such a heretic. That's why I love you. :)

I've been thinking all week about what I wrote in my last posts, all your responses, and other blogs that I've read...but I really don't know what to think of it all, nothings really changed much, and I can't put my thoughts into comprehensible words, so I'm just gonna let this subject be for a while... I think what I want most is a night of wine and conversation till 4am to help me figure this all out or to confuse me more - I'd be happy with either actually.

It's fall. The leaves are finally starting to change colour and drop, I can see my breath in the mornings, my hands almost freeze off when I have to row in the morning mist or drizzle, and the spiders have disappeared. The other day it was so windy that (no joke) I was rowing as hard as I could and still sat in exactly the same place in the middle of the canal for 2 whole minutes before the wind took a break long enough for me to cross to the other side. I was starting to fear that I'd never make it... That was exciting.

I started a new course at the VU. Got lost, sat in the wrong class for 15 min before realizing that it was Logistics and not Research Methods, got lost again, walked into the right class finally 30 min late, of course through the door at the front of the class instead of the one in the back... Nice.