@#$%!!!

Damn it. This computer. It just erased a post I just wrote. 
Attempt 3 (yes, that's right...third attempt...lucky for you, it's shorter).

I feel drunk. 
It started last night. I went to the bar with Dane anyway. But even one beer was a bad idea. 
I felt as if I stayed in that smokey room any longer, I'd get sick.
The cat bit me again yesterday. I started to think this feeling was the result - maybe I got tetanus.
My jaw even started to feel stiff. That could be a result of constantly stretching it to see if it still
worked.
I don't have tetanus.
Driving home was surreal, taking the curves in the dark, with only the headlights to help me 
keep my balance. In my head, a dream from a few nights ago replayed over and over. 
In the dream I crash into the canal and almost drown before I'm saved from a friend of mine from Mexico. He died last year. In a car accident. 
Sleep didn't help. I woke up dizzy and off balance. The feeling is more dull now, but
if I turn to fast I have to steady myself or I'll fall over.
It's foggy out and I have to drive to Amsterdam. Probably not a good idea. 
Oh well.
I will pretend that I am late to GEN300 with the effects of last night's party still wearing off.
Cheers. 

That cat's aren't allowed in at night

It's almost 20*C outside today. This week has been full of record breaking temperatures.
Nice. 
Not so good though, in the bigger picture...
I took Jules and Raoul on a long walk. On the way we passed a house that we walk by everytime
we go on a walk. An old lady lives there and shealways waves at us from her window. 
Today she came out and offered me some coffee and Jules some milk. At first I was skeptical
(never met her, why's she offering me coffee?) but she was friendly, so we went in. There were three cats in the kitchen, sitting in front of a small stove heater. They are allowed in the kitchen, she said, but not in the rest of the house. She doesn't mind if they come in during the day, but at night they make a mess and she prefers they stay outside. She told me about her space heaters, which are strategically placed around her very small house, keeping it almost unbearably warm. She pointed out that
the heater in the old fireplace is broken because it used to look like real fire and it only heats but 
doesn't look nice. She should have someone come and fix it. It used to look like real wood burning. It was so pretty. She showed me her bedroom, also very small, and proudly pointed out that 
the space heaters keep the whole house warm, and there is one in the kitchen that uses oil, and 
the one in the living room that is in the old fire place gives warmth but is broken and doesn't look 
pretty any more. Her house is small, she said, but that is good because it is just her now. Her husband died a long time ago. He was a very good man. Her daughter lives next door though. Her daughter buys her her groceries so that she doesn't have to cross the canal in the boat. That is nice, because she is old. She's been here since she was 38 and now she is 88 years old. Her husband died a long time ago, but her daughter lives next door. She doesn't get too lonely. And some boys live close by. They used to visit, but now they go to school.
Did I want coffee? Yes, that would be nice, thank you. Oh, she is out of milk. Coffee without milk is no good - she didn't want it either. Perhaps another time. Her daughter was out buying groceries right then, she does that for her you know.
A cat walked into the room and she kicked lightly at him, telling him to go back 
to the kitchen. They are allowed in during the day, she said, but not at night because she can't watch them and make sure they don't make a mess. They like to sit in front of the heaters though, so she lets them in to warm up a bit. The cats do actually sit right in front of the heater in the kitchen, I noticed, they sit straight, chin up, belly facing the stove. I looked back at the lady, she had a huge grin on her face as she looked at Raoul, sleeping 
strapped to my chest. She touched his cheek and told me about her grandkids. They used to come around alot, but now they have school. She looked sad. She commented that his cheeks were cold. Good thing she has so many heaters, she said. They are very warm; the one in the kitchen uses oil, and the one in the living room by the fireplace used to look pretty but it's borken. She should get someone to fix it, but at least it still keeps her warm. 
Did the little boy want a cookie? Some boys live next door and and they used to come over a lot. But now they don't. They have school and friends and other things that keep them busy. It's too bad. But, her daughter lives next door. She brings her her groceries. Today she is getting more milk. Did I want coffee? No, that would be nice, but perhaps another time. Oh. Ok. 
I should go, I said. Oh, that is too bad. I should stop by some other time, because she doesn't know many people around here. She's from some other town. She just moved here and doesn't know anyone. But her daughter lives next door. Her husband used to live here, but he is dead now. He was a good man. Oh, the cat is in the living room. He likes it here, you know, because it is warm. Except, the heater in the living room is broken.
Well, thank you for the visit, I said. Perhaps I will see you again. Yes, that would be nice.
We left, and she closed the door behind us, with a huge smile on her face. I could hear her scolding the cats as we walked away.
I wish I knew her name.

Weekend.

My mom called on Thursday to make sure I wasn't depressed cause I was spending thanksgiving by myself. Heh? Thanksgiving? Oh, yeah. I forgot. Weird. Well...not really. It wasn't usually a huge deal in Mexico. Cept, we did get together with fellow missionaries for a huge meal. But we did that regularly enough that it didn't feel particularly different, I suppose.
Hung out with Liesbeth last night, stayed up till almost 4am. Had 4 beers and that was enough to give me a headache this morning. That, or I've been getting migraines my whole life but don't know that that's what those headaches really are. Or I have a tumor that's gonna start growing out the side of my head. I'm tempted to get a diagnosis. Today it was so bad I cried. I felt like such a baby. Luuk gave me a head massage. Very nice. I recommend it.
Liesbeth's new bf is sweet, good for her. But, I'm biased. He reminds me a bit of Luuk. Can't help but think he's cool then.
I am going to watch Memento now. Apparently it's a good movie. Never heard of it. Hmm. I hope it's good.

Nederengels

It's hailing right now. 
Not big hail, just little chunks of ice, 
but enough to make the roof rattle and the windows sound like they are about to crack.
I just set the coffee pot on and now the kitchen smells good. 
Like coffe. 
The kids are at school and the neighbors, so I have the house to myself. 
What will I do with my free time? 
Drink coffee, eat something, read blogs, wait till it's time to pick up Camiel.
Today I have my first practicum assignment.
I won't bore you with the details, but getting into a group was a mess.
Now that I am in one (kinda thrown in as an extra) 
my schedule isn't making it particularly easy to be much help. 
Ah well. It will work out.
I am beginning to wonder if I really am seriously affected by the weather. 
I joked about it alot before, but never really believed it. 
But then, I have a zillion logical explanations for feeling a bit down 
(lack of sleep, bad weather, need exercise, change does this, etc.).
None of it makes a difference.
I'm getting tired of translating all the time in my head.
Literally - it's exhausting.
I'm go drink coffee.
Cheers.

 Shit. There is something wrong with blogger...When I write, instead of fitting to the screen, the words just keep going till I press "enter"...so they end up off the page. So, I'm making each sentence a new line. Pff. Except for this paragraph...That worked fine. WTF. Egh. I give up.

What was I thinking?

going to a foreign country completely unprepaired financially.
finding a job as an au pair in the middle of no where.
spending money a bit too freely.
forgetting to pay for parking, resulting in a 47euro ticket.
not keeping track of my phone calls, resulting in a ridiculous cellphone bill (about which my wonderful fiancé, who was paying for it, is not too happy...)
not finding out exactly what is required for my current course at the VU.
assuming the VU would work out well.
assuming this would be easy...

what the hell was i thinking?

My head feels like a balloon loaded with lead...

this weekend:
- planned on taking 12:44pm train; would have worked if Camiel's class wasn't the last one out (15min late!), the neighbor's had opened the door right away (instead of leaving us standing there waiting for 5 min), and the fucking semi hadn't pulled out in front of me (cutting me off) and then driven 10km below speed limit, all causing me to miss the train by one minute (it was leaving the station as I parked the car...). ah well. i got to Groningen an hour late. it happens. alot, around here.
-was surprised at the station by Luuk, who was carrying 23 roses. :) (and who had been expecting me an hour before, but since he lost his cellphone, thought i went to his place, biked home, found out i'd called a zillion times to tell him i'd be late, biked back, and caught me just before i was ready to leave. cell phones are the most wonderful, helpful invention, i've decided.)
- used one of my movie gift certificates: watched "Babel" (very good!)
- the movie theatre: the kinda place that people who love movies but hate popcorn, crying kids, and blockbusters go; contains a classy (though not overpriced) restaurant and a bar; promotes european, cult, and independent films; red carpet, wide stairways, candle-lit, low lighting, classy atmosphere; extra bonus: less expensive than other theatres. nice.
- beat Luuk at Settlers (the card game...)
- slept in till 12 on Saturday
- woke up Sunday with Luuk's cold
- was ready to take the 8:17pm train last night (so I'd be home by 11pm), when a train broke down between Groningen and the next station, stopping all train traffic for hours; had to take the bus to the next station; a normally 15min train ride took almost 60min by bus; ended up taking different train (the one that stops at every station instead of going straight through); got home at 12:30am.
- waking up this morning sucked
- i did sleep very well last night (!)

Last night, "My Utmost for His Highest", topic was the new life after Christ and experiencing grace. I suddenly realized what part of my problem is: I have never had that black/white old-life/new-life difference. I grew up in a Christian home, can remember at least 5times praying ("this time for real, cause last time I didn't mean it!") for salvation, but cannot remember ever not believing in God... My life is really a series of old and new lives, neither of them really that different from the last. How do you see grace when you cannot compare it to lack of grace in your own life?

There's something clinking in the dryer...

Tuesday, went to HUKA bar with Dane. Tried new flavour: orange. Not bad. While smoking, the man with the smile from Dulac Bar came in, asking if we wanted pictures. I asked if I could take one of him with my camera. Had to explain that a couple times. In several languages. Finally, got picture with the smile man. When I told him I liked his smile, he smiled. Bigger than usual. He shook my hand before he left.
The cat attacked my ankles again today. Fucking cat. He made me bleed. I used to love him. But now I cannot enjoy his presence because I am watching him the whole time to make sure he's not preparing to pounce. He always waits till that second that I'm not watching. He's smart. Takes me longer to respond with a good kick. Today I threw him outside. And we were getting along so well...
I got a package from my parents today: books and chocolate from Mexico that is used for drinks. Best present yet. Though, Froukje promised to get me underwear. That's always nice.
The other day, I somehow managed to get a gigantic sliver in my finger. (K, so it wasn't that big, but you'd think it was by how much it hurt!). Took forever to get out. Now I have a scab under my skin. Weird.
I'm reading "Mere Christianity". CSLewis, brilliant. Maybe this will help...
Take it easy, all. Enjoy the weekend. I'm sleeping as much as I can! Oh, so exciting!

Er is iemand jarig, hoera hoera!

I got up at 7am today, half an hour earlier than normal. Not my idea, btw. Though, I should learn to think a bit more like Joshua who said that he liked to get up before sunrise on his birthday and stay up until he couldn't keep his eyes open anymore so he could enjoy his day for as long as possible. I'm more content with sleeping and being lazy all day, but I like the positive outlook...it's a nice thought.
The kids came into the kitchen singing a song in Dutch that they didn't know (so it was more like every fifth word of the song as their dad sang in the background), each carrying a present and a huge grin. Very sweet. :)
Watched "The Little Mermaid" and "Finding Nemo" today with Jule (no reason for the undersea theme...just happened).
Drank too much coffee, made myself a super delicious salad (there is an incredible assortment of cheese in this country, goes really well with salad!), and took the kids on a walk even though it was kinda foggy today... The weather makes me feel like I'm in a Brontë novel.
My ring is too big for my finger suddenly and keeps flipping upside down which is really uncomfortable and annoying.
I'm going to Amsterdam to walk around and wait for Dane to get out of class cause it just seems like a better idea than sitting here. I feel like treating myself to a nice dinner...but eating alone seems too lonely for tonight. I'll content myself with being somewhere outside of the house, surrounded by adults (albeit, strangers).
Later we are smoking a huka (fuck the spelling...).
Ciao.

I listened to Bright Eyes three times in a row and smiled like I was on drugs the whole time...

Oh Ann. You're such a heretic. That's why I love you. :)

I've been thinking all week about what I wrote in my last posts, all your responses, and other blogs that I've read...but I really don't know what to think of it all, nothings really changed much, and I can't put my thoughts into comprehensible words, so I'm just gonna let this subject be for a while... I think what I want most is a night of wine and conversation till 4am to help me figure this all out or to confuse me more - I'd be happy with either actually.

It's fall. The leaves are finally starting to change colour and drop, I can see my breath in the mornings, my hands almost freeze off when I have to row in the morning mist or drizzle, and the spiders have disappeared. The other day it was so windy that (no joke) I was rowing as hard as I could and still sat in exactly the same place in the middle of the canal for 2 whole minutes before the wind took a break long enough for me to cross to the other side. I was starting to fear that I'd never make it... That was exciting.

I started a new course at the VU. Got lost, sat in the wrong class for 15 min before realizing that it was Logistics and not Research Methods, got lost again, walked into the right class finally 30 min late, of course through the door at the front of the class instead of the one in the back... Nice.

yesterday, cont.

Perhaps you are right Gabe... I have been churched all my life, have had so much religion and theology, have seen too much politics behind the scenes...it's all become too complicated.

The thing I struggle the most with when it comes to worshipping God is not whether other's are sincere or not - I'm sure many/most of them are, even the people leading the service. It's just that it seems so meaningless. That's the thing - they are all sincerely duped. And yet, I'm jealous.
These songs that we sing, especially the mantras with little depth to them, annoy me because they are words that I do not feel or think. There are few songs that when I mouth the words I am actually singing - know what I mean? When I pray in church, at the designated time during the service in the designated area of the building, I feel as if I am just following directions to participate in something that is supposed to make me feel good about myself....
Or rather, it's a huge play, where we all have our part and know our lines, but outside of the stage it means nothing.
Actually, that's what it comes down to I think... I cannot play on stage what for me does not exist beyond it.
This comes not from a lack of desire for God - I have this ache, this empty feeling that accompanies me... It's akin to missing someone you love more than anyone else in the world, yet more dull, more constant. It's frustrating. Occasionally, overwhelming. Mostly, I am numb.
I cannot pray, not in the normal sense of the word. I have mini, one-sided-conversations with God throughout the day. As if I'm talking to myself, but really its to Him. My journal is the only place where I can feel remotely close to Him, perhaps because it is more concrete, the words are right before me and even if He does not see them they have been recorded somewhere at least.
That's it: I am insignificant. All this "Jesus is your best friend" stuff...never understood it. I want to buy it, but really I know it's silly. Yes, He loves us, we are His people... but individually? to care for every little thing that happens to us? I can understand love for His people as a whole, but not personally.
I don't want to act (or be) sincere in one place when I really don't believe that there exists the possibility of this special relationship with God in any other place. How do you approach someone you don't think is listening?
Yet, the crazy thing is, I still act everyday as if I do (journaling, talking to Him, etc.), as if it's just in case. Or maybe I do believe it though rationally I can't allow myself to. So then maybe there is simply something about church that emphasizes my own contradiction in beliefs, perhaps the formality of the situation (much like actually purposely praying or doing devotions) sticks me in the awkward situation of making my secret beliefs confront my rationale.

Ugh. I really don't know myself.

Fuck it. I'm done with this for now...

i wish i had a river i could float away on...the canal has no current and i don't feel like rowing...

-i've lost 5kilos since i've been here. thats not a good thing. my pants don't fit as well anymore.
-thursday i had a test at 8:45am, which meant i had to get up at 6 to get ready, row across the canal, drive to the station, take the train, and be at the VU in time. the test was in dutch. i got to use a dutch-english dictionary. it took me an hr longer than most students. i felt smart.
- wednesday night jules woke up at 4a.m. and cried for an hour. i couldn't put my pillow over my head cause i had to hear my alarm at 6, so finally i went downstairs, told him to be quiet, made him lay back down, rubbed his back, and he fell asleep. i felt like super nanny. until 6a.m. came around. then i just felt like crap.
- thursday, after my test, i drank too much coffee, not enough water, smoked hookah for a couple of hours, had a couple of beers, then promptly got sick. crackers helped.
- fish for supper when you feel sick is not a good idea.
-fri/saturday i went to a conference at a baptist church, in dutch, with luuk. it was good, i think. something about masculinity/femininity and men and women in relationship to each other and God.
- i'm much to cynical for my own good. friday night, after the sermon, we had a time of prayer. during this prayer we could partake of communion (which consisted of standing in a line, walking to a table, taking turns drinking out of a little glass and eating a cracker of sorts), kneel in front of a cross, and/or go to a corner and be prayed for by the elders. the entire time someone played some soft churchy music in the background. i did take communion, but it felt empty. then i sat back down. i fought the urge to pray or let the atmosphere affect me in anyway. why i fought it, i can't say exactly. it had something to do with thinking the music was stupid, that they were just trying to manipulate our emotions, that the communion really was just an efficient way to get through a symbolic act, that the cross was a way to make yourself look humble, and that i'd feel incredibly uncomfortable having some stranger pray for me about something personal. mostly, i felt that if i did participate, pray, or cry (as others around me were) or whatever else i could let happen, i would have simply allowed myself to be duped.
- where do i go from here?

strikes and gutters

This weekend was good. Luuk's parents had a big birthday party, since they both have birthdays in Oct. and they both hit a "big 5" - one 55, the other 50. And they never got around to throwing a 25th anniversary party, so that was also kinda sorta a reason.
We all dressed up. Ate great food. Kissed alot of cheeks (three kisses per person...the Mexican way is much easier, just one kiss). At the end people sang songs, read poems, and did a couple plays about the birthday couple - super funny stuff! Kinda like Canadian weddings. I was dragged into singing a song with the siblings and respective better-halves, in Dutch, in front of everybody. Luckily, Luuk's sisters have powerful singing voices and mine wouldn't have been heard anyway, so stumbling over the words was not too big of a deal. Pretty sure my face was red the entire time. Ah well.
After that, went to René's bday party, stayed till 3am, biked home for half an hour, almost fell asleep on the couch, then went to bed. Woke up when Mirjam's alarm went off, then dreamed about the song she'd set her alarm to until I woke up at 1pm.
Periods suck. Especially on weekends. At parties. Or while biking.
Sorry...did I share too much?
But seriously. They suck. And cramps are from the devil. I'm pretty sure that women got the worse end of the deal after the fall.
I prefer the ovulation stage.
Luuk and I are starting a movie collection, kinda by accident. We've been buying good movies when they cost less than 5euros. It's a quickly growing collection.
I don't want to go back to WV (woerdense verlaat). Every Sunday its the same though. I dread going back...but once I'm there, its not that bad, and the week goes relatively fast...so I shouldn't complain. This week will be even shorter - I'm off on Thursday. :)

"The Spirit of God witnesses to the redemption of our Lord, and to nothing else. He cannot witness to our reason. We are inclined to mistake the simplicity that comes from our natural commonsense decisions for the witness of the Spirit, but the Spirit witnesses only to His own nature, and to the work of redemption, never to our reason. If we are trying to make Him witness to our reason, it is no wonder that we are in darkness and uncertainty. Throw it all overboard, trus in Him, and He will give you the witness of the Spirit." - Oswald Chambers

Not sure yet what exactly I think of that. It strikes a chord somewhere, though.

Me siento un poco...perdida.

I listened to Sigur Ros for the first time since I've been here. It's strange how music can create such strong feelings and bring up such clear memories...
It made me miss the House of Common Debauchery. And all who associate with it.
I sat in the car for an extra ten minutes after parking by the house. It's the only place I can listen to music. I don't have a cdplayer here.
The neighbors give me funny looks when I sit there sometimes. I just close my eyes- if I can't see them, I forget that they can see me.

Who wants to read about one of my dreams?

So, the details are kinda fuzzy, but here's what I remember:
I'm in some field somewhere. Then, it slowly turns to rocky desert. Out of a bush jumps this gigantic rat, the size of a large cat. It's heading toward me with sharp teeth dripping with spit. Gross. I pick up a stick, ready to fight it off, knowing full well that it is too big and I'm going to die. Suddenly, a tall, shirtless, muscular, tan, long-haired man (the kind you see on dirty romance novel covers) jumps out from behind a large rock and fights the rat off. Then, he proceeds to actually pick me up, sweep me off my feet, and walk away with me in his arms, long hair blowing in the wind. And I sit there staring at this strange man's face, thinking "I can't wait to tell Luuk this story because he'll think its hilarious". Then I wake up up cause I'm laughing in my sleep.
I'm starting to wonder if I need some sort of therapy, cause if that is one of my unconscious desires, there is seriously something wrong with me.

Why the hell did God create mosquitos anyway? I think, just to torture us for our sins...

I fell asleep last night at 10ish while studying...had lots of really weird, random, sometimes freaky dreams...woke up to the sound of buzzing in my ear. My pinky itched too. I turned on the light and looked on the wall above my bed - 4 mosquitoes resting there, waiting to make their next plunge. I got up and ran around my room in my underwear trying to kill the stupid things. I had left the trap door to my room open, so they were all over the place. I got a few of them, but lost the others. Went back to bed and then looked at the clock. I have a traveler's clock, so one side shows American time, the other European...I looked at the American side, saw that it was 6 and decided that I might as well stay awake until 7:30 instead of going back to sleep since I wasn't tired. I started writing in my journal, then studied a bit. Then, I looked at the clock again and realized that actually I'd looked at the wrong side and now it was 2:30a.m. in Holland.
Brilliant.
So, I tried to sleep again, waking up 15 min later to more buzzing.
Hunted mosquitos for 10 min.
Went back to bed.
More buzzing.
Repeated process.
Finally slept with my head under the blankets - fighting the mosquitos was useless. Instead, I fought spiders again in my sleep.
I woke up exhausted to the joyful sounds of Camiel screaming that he didn't want to wear a particular shirt. There's nothing like waking up to the sound of crying children.
I told Ingrid this morning that I will be studying full-time next year, and since its been a bit of a bitch to fit studying in my nanny-schedule, I will not be an au pair next year. She wasn't surprised.
Anybody interested in an aupair position for next year? :)
Now I have to find some other source of income for next year.
Fuck. It's amazing how limited my options are here... Ok. Amazing is definately not the right word. None of you happen to be secretly rich and overly generous, do you?
Bummer.

apologies...

that post with the lame title... really long.
should i feel bad?
meh.

(i'm bored.)

(can you tell?)

good news

i past my statistics test, first try. sweet. :p

I wish I could think of a clever title...but I can't.

Non-alcoholic beer when ordered by accident is an unpleasant suprise.
I'd rather knowingly drink a full glass of pee.
Ok. Maybe not.
But it was gross.
The bartender laughed at Dane and I when we told him we didn't know.
Pff.

11%alcohol combined with incredible flavor in the bottle of an unknown type of beer is a very pleasant surprise.
'Cept when you have to drive.
I'm sure Dane didn't mind helping me finish it.

The kids were super crabby this morning. I woke up to the lovely sounds of a tempertantrum, followed by the younger-brother's-imitation-of-the-older-brother-tempertantrum. This continued through breakfast.
I think when I have kids, I will spank them.
Or just send them to their room forever when I don't want to deal with them any more.

My parents bought a puggle for my younger sisters. I'm not sure if thats a pug-poodle mix or a pug-beagle mix. Personally, I'm hoping for pug-poodle. The mental picture is amusing.
They thought of several food and drink related names but Kayla didn't like the idea of naming her puppy after food. She picked the name Kahlua. I'm not supposed to tell her what that really is...

Yesterday, I watched Dr. Phil. I hate that guy usually. But he actually gave some good advice yesterday, and I was starting to like him. Then he wrapped up with some great take-home advice: "You just need to find your true self. Figure out who you really are." What does that mean, anyway???
I remember now why I hated him.

I miss stars.
It was misty this morning again. I could have stared at the sun through the fog if I wanted to - it was a small yellow circle. It hurt my eyes though.
Fog makes sunrises particularly fantastical.

the phobia

last night i had dinner with liesbeth in utrecht. great place, books and candles everywhere, nostalgic atmosphere (if that makes sense), and of course, good food. only downside - i was cutting my food and i saw some movement on the table to my left. there, heading toward my plate was a medium sized spider. i backed away from the table, almost knocking over a waitress standing behind me. liesbeth saw the look of panic on my face but couldn't figure out what was wrong. i managed to maintain my calm, being in the middle of a busy restaurant, and not wanting a spider on my plate or near my lap, i quickly squished it with my napkin. then i sat there for two minutes with this squished spider in hand, trying to figure out where to dispose of it, as a series of emotions crossed my face and liesbeth laughed at me. i gave my napkin to a waitress, told her what was in it, and she held it away from her body as she took it to a garbage can. then liesbeth and i exchanged spider-phobia experiences. for the rest of the night i imagined that every hair that moved on my neck or every itch on my leg was a spider, amusing liesbeth with my constant twitching and panicked hand-slapping.
do i have more experiences with spiders than most people? or do i simply remember them better because i fear them?

I feel like I've seen this news before...

Weird how history (even recent history) seems to repeat itself. When I watch BBC, I constantly am haunted by deja vu.
Titanic is on tv. I hated that movie. Except for the whole sinking of the ship - that part was cool. Love story, worthless.
The other day a swan stepped into the road in front of me as I was driving. I slowed down enough to watch him slowly cross the road and jump into the canal. There are swans, blue and grew herons (sp?), and numerous ducks and geese all over the place here...The duck I crossed paths with Thursday night after getting lost, driving an extra 1.5hrs, speeding to get home before 2am (which didn't happen), did not fare quite so well. The lights on my car are not very bright, so suddenly (as i sped down the road at an impressive 90kph) I saw this beautiful emerald head turn to look curiously at me just before the shock registered on his cute little duck face and he was hit head on by and equally shocked me...The first loud thump was followed by the sound of him rolling around under the car. He didn't roll under the wheels though, so there is a slight hope that he survived. I almost cried. :(
I missed Carmela's bday. I'm bummed. It sounded like fun.
Luuk commented to me recently that he noticed that it seems like I do not feel as if God gives a damn about me. He sees it especially when he hears me pray, as if I am praying to a wall or some all-seeing Eye that is focused elsewhere. As if I am going through the motions not really expecting to be heard. Because I am insignificant. And it's true. I guess I do see it like that. I know in theory it's not true - He cares for us all, loves us, wants the best for us, etc.... But seriously, why would he? What possible difference could my, our, lives make to him? How can we be so arrogant to assume that what we do, think, feel, believe is noticed, much less taken seriously?