morning ramblins

i hung out with andrew on tuesday night. super sweet! got home at 1am. got up at 7am. that was a bit of a bitch. but worth it. we also found a perfect irish pub. we'll be going there much more often, i predict.
talked to ann yesterday. it's been waaay too long. and talking to her was exactly what i needed at that moment. ah, how i miss that girl.
something is wrong with my browser or my blogger or something. i can't get on to certain people's blogs through my links; only through their comments. super annoying.
i just had left over fajitas mixed with scrambled eggs for breakfast. it was divine! sorta glad the kids didn't like them too much. they sure liked the tortillas. but wouldn't touch the real food. pff. i don't get them. they like weird things (that kids normally don't like) like mollusks and shrimp and sharp cheese. but they won't touch simple beef with tomatoes and onions. seriously. ah well. they weren't too happy to find out that since they didn't eat, they actually couldn't have dessert this time. perhaps next time they'll actually taste what's on their plate before pushing it away with a disgusted little face. ingrid really liked the fajitas though. at least someone recognizes good food when they taste it!
plan for today:
-second cup of coffee
-walk to driving lesson place, pick up papers, schedule exam (eeggh!)
-shower, attempt something with my hair that only looked cool on the day i cut/dyed it, now looks like a bob. not my thing...
-help dane move
-pick up kid
-rush kid to house
-throw kid through the door to the neighbors
-rush to train station
-meet carmela, dane, andrew, and andrew's friend who's name i forgot cause its super weird, in amersfoort (very cool castle-like fort-thing there...gotta check that out)
-find cafe, drink more coffee
-supper somewhere cheap
-amsterdam: find bar, maybe a huka bar (fuck off dane, that's how i spell it).
-drive back to house, hopefully at decent hour
-sleep

aaaannnndddd....that's it for now.
cheers.

About a 4yr old.

Ok, Camiel. Before we go in to the school, we're gonna make a deal. What are you gonna do when I leave?
"Umm...I'm gonna fart!" (He smiles, pleased with his great idea.)
Alright. But, what else?
"Umm...a really big fart!"
Right. Well, how bout you give me a kiss and I give you a reallly big hug (dikke knuffel...I like that term), and then you sit on your chair, and I leave.
"Ok. And then a fart!"
You can fart as long as you want. But, are you gonna hang on my leg like yesterday?
"No!"
Are you gonna cry and whine and follow me to the door?
"No!"
Good. Now, I'll race you to the school!


Haha! I beat you!
"Nuh-uh. I always win."
But I got there first!
"So. I still win!"
Hmm. Convenient. Alright, lets hang up your coat.
"Catch me if you can!" (He runs and hides, behind a small palm-like tree.)
Gotcha. Ok, coat.
"I'm getting away!"
Gotcha again. Coat.
"You can't get me!"
(I pick him up and drop him in front of his coat rack.) Coat. Now.
"You can't get me!"
(Ok. I just pull off his coat as he runs away and hang it up for him. Then I walk to the classroom. He's hiding behind the tree again. I ignore him. He follows me into the classroom.)
Alright, where's your chair? (Someone just grabbed my ass! Oh...it's him.) Right. Oooh! I see your chair! Race ya to it!
(Mad shuffle between big grown ups and 2ft tall kids ensues. He latches onto my pant pockets. Fine. I'll drag him. Walk to the chair, turn around, and sit on him.)
"mmph, you ffftoo heaffy!"
Oh, sorry. Didn't see you. (Hehe, smile to myself.) (I sit next to him for a few minutes.)
"I'm gonna fart!"
Oh yeah? Well, I'll tickle you!
"giggle giggle giggle!!!"

Ok Camiel, it's time for me to go. Can I get a hug? (I squeese him really tight, till he's giggling again.)
"Another one!"
Ok (Hug.)
"giggle giggle. Another one!"
Alright, last one.
"giggle giggle fart."
Ok, kiss. On your chair. See you later!
"Wait!" (His face changes in a matter of seconds from big smiles to an enormous pout.)
Yes?
"I want you to stay here."
I can't. I'm too old. The chairs are too small for me. (Small smile sneaks out. He hides it again.)
"But I want you to stay!"
I can't. I'll see you in a few hours! Then we can play again.
(I get up to leave. It's amazing how fast he manages to latch himself to my leg.)
Camiel. Remember our deal? What are you gonna do after we hug and I have to leave?
"Fart!!!" (Still attached.)
What else?
"A really stinky fart!"
Right. But you are also gonna sit on your chair and say goodbye, right?
"No! I want you to stay!"
(God, I really don't need you to test my patience right now. I unwrap his arms, walk him to his chair. He latches immediately. Try again. Unwrap, walk. Re-latch. Once again. Unwrap. Drag. Pops up like a bouncy ball, attaches again, at amazing speed He's like that kid in the Incredibles. Uwrap, pick up, drag, dump on chair. Squat in front of him.)
Camiel, you have to keep your end of the deal, otherwise I can't trust you.
"I'm gonna fart on your eye! giggle."
Camiel, you have to stay here, ok. I'll see you later.
"Ok!" (With a big smile, he reattaches. Aaagh! What do I do? I frantically search for the teacher. She's talking.)
Ok, on your chair buddy. (Try to stay perky...) I'll see you later today, ok! Have fun! (I practically run to the door. Right at the doorway, I feel something pulling on my pants pockets. I was so close!)
Camiel! That's enough. Go to your chair! (Shit. I lost it. Again.)
"But I want you to stay!" (Ahhh...the teacher sees us. Without a word she pulls him off of my leg, and drags him to his chair. I wave at Camiel and walk quickly to the car. It's time for some Hendrix. I notice that it's actually quite light out this morning. The sky is pink. The drive home is beautiful and relaxing. I make myself some coffee right away. Sigh. That wasn't too bad.)

revelation

i've decided that all my woes and inabilities to be one-hundred-percent, completely happy could be solved by changing my history to one in which i never moved and always lived in the same neighborhood so i never had to say goodbye to anyone and would thus never miss anyone or have to deal with the adjustment pains of the first few months in a new place. my problems would be solved.
but who wants that?
how boring.
my entire life would never have been as interesting as it is now.
so.
what was i complaining about?
i can handle being surrounded (temporarily) by children. i can survive a year of my closest relationships during the week revolving around a 4yr old, a 2yr old, and a baby... there's always the bar (and dane's happy face to cheer me up) at night.

whats so simple in the moonlight, in the morning never is...

i am not a morning person.
my life isn't particularly bright in the morning either.

comment yesterday:

other: "you have a depressive style of writing."
me: "i only write when i'm depressed."


conversation last night:

luuk: "when was the last time you were happy?"
me: "i was happy in iowa. well, there was always the element of missing people, you in particular. i couldn't be completely happy then..."
luuk: "before that?"
me: "i was happy my freshman year. i didn't have to deal with longdistance relationships then. though, i did miss mexico."
luuk: "ever been totally happy?"
me: "well, in mexico i was. sort of. i mean, i was really frustrated with people at the church all the time. and the last couple years i always had in the back of my mind that this was it, i'd be leaving soon... i guess i can't say i've ever been totally one hundred percent happy. but i have been mostly happy."


i'm starting to wonder if i am depressive. or just negative. do i simply not allow myself to be happy? what happened to "content in any and every situation"? is total happiness even possible?
actually, i think i am very..."in the moment" (to use a stupid phrase). i become super involved in my immediate life/emotions, and forget about yesterday quite quickly. which, of course, makes everything seem alot worse than it is. plus...its still morning. give it a few hours.

i woke up more tired this morning than when i went to bed. my head feels tight. my nose is stuffy. my ears keep popping. i think my cold came back for a second round.

cabbage smells really really bad in dirty diapers the next day. the house still stinks from the last one i changed. i can be thankful for stuffy nose. imagine the smell if i had my full sense... egh!

the delightful sounds of a crying baby beckon me.

ciao.

run.

I'm being chased by the monster in "Lady in the Water". Someone is next to me. He looks kinda like Scott, kinda like Paul Giamatti. There is a little girl crying somewhere. I run, but cannot get away. The monster keeps finding me and almost catching me. I hide in a tree. The monster lunges. His mouth opens wide, ready to devour me. Then he starts to beep.

I turn over and fumble for my alarm. 7:15am.
Damnit...
My body temperature starts to rise, and I notice the lumps in my pillow and the draft of air coming through some place in my blanket.
Fine. I'll get up.
My eyes are a bit poofy. I started crying for some reason last night while talking to Luuk on the phone. He unexpectedly asked me if I was happy. I burst into tears. I loose control too easily when I'm not expecting an emotionally charged question. Why was that one so charged, anyway?
I must be ovulating. Or something.
Throw some clothes on. My jeans are dirty. Crap. I don't feel like doing laundry. I put them on anyway.
Camiel is yelling something from the bathroom and Jules is wailing. Great start to the morning.
Climb down the ladder from my room. Avoid the top corner - the bruises on my knee from last time are just starting to turn green.
Someone's in the bathroom. I'll have to wait till they are out before I can relieve my bladder. I make a sandwich for one of the boys instead.
Jeroen walks by in his underwear. "Goedemorgen"; don't look up.
The kids eat breakfast.
"Camiel, quit playing, eat some food. It's almost time to go."
"Jules, keep your food over your plate!"
"No, don't play with your juice!"
It's all over the table. Nice.
Hmm, one of the youngest two has a dirty diaper. The whole kitchen stinks. I'll wait a bit, make sure he's done.
Camiel has to leave. He tries to sneak his toy in his pocket but it's too big. His dad tells him to leave it home. Camiel drops to the floor and starts wailing. Several attempts to calm him fail. Finally his coat is shoved onto him and zipped up, his arms pushed through his backback. He takes it off immediately and drops to the floor again. Repeat. He's dragged, his cries ignored, out the door.
Quiet again.
Should change that diaper.
I need coffee first. I fill the pot with water - oh yeah, I had to pee yet...run to the bathroom.
Through the door I hear Jules count, "One, three, eight, two!", and then he runs around the house at full speed, yelling something unintelligable. He's energetic today.
I hear the baby crying.
Deep breath. I study myself in the mirror. "Man, you look like crap."
Can't stay in the bathroom all day.
Ok.
Coffee.

the meaning of life

http://www.aboutlife.com/alphaviral/factory

it's january!!!

...and the weather outside is frightful.
we had a the craziest windstorm i have ever seen this past week. winds of over 140km/h. (it's still dying down today...). trucks were blown over, pushed into trees, lost control. trees snapped in half and fell over cars, bikers, and roads. roofs peeled off the tops of houses or were stripped naked of shingles. boats in the canals were pushed up onto docks and ships onto beaches. the entire train system was shut down for over 12 hrs, leaving over 1million people (can that number be right???) stranded and costing the company probably millions of euros. the craziest thing i saw was on the news: an airplane attempted to take off and was immediately picked up by the wind and began to float sideways. the funniest: a bird got caught in the wind and was blown, flipping head over tail, through the air until it got caught in a tree. poor thing. actually, another funny thing: we drive down a road to find a big tree stretched across it. a man in the car in front of us opens his door to step out. the door is ripped from his hand and snaps open, slamming across the side of the car. it hangs from the bottom hinge, and the poor man can't close it. two other men come to his rescue, and together they manage to push it back against the door frame, but it won't stick. in the meantime, the men are falling over cause the wind is pushing them so hard. crazy...
rowing was impossible. when i did try, i'm pretty sure i pulled every muscle in my back. i am incredibly sore this weekend. i need physical therapy or something.
yoga.
yoga would be good.
for now... doing nothing. reading some book that was originally written in english, and not translated to dutch, to improve my language skills. i think the story is stupid. but at least i'm learning more dutch.
ah well.
until next time...
cheers.

Oh, and for those of you who would be interested...

Alied had a baby boy, Marijn (pronounced Mah-rine), on Thursday last week.
I hope to visit them on Saturday. :)

"Repeat to yourself, 'I am super nanny, I am super nanny...' and you'll survive."

Carmela is coming today! She will be here in four (probably five) hours. Sweet! I'm excited! It's gonna be great to see her again! And fun to show her around. Weird to be showing someone else around here...I'm used to being the tourist...but I guess I've been here long enough.
I'm a bit nervous about going to the airport - I have to take the two youngest with me. Walking around in Schiphol with a 5month old baby and a 2year old boy is not exactly my idea of fun. And the baby is getting a second tooth already, and is super crabby. Jules is pretty happy though, and very excited about going to see the airplanes! So it might turn out to be fun anyway.
It's amazing how much nicer a room can look when you stuff everything into all available boxes and corners. :)
On a different note...Dane and I had a conversation last night about the US in the world. I mentioned that I wished, in a weird way, that the US would experience a war on their own soil. Not that this is a good thing...but it just seems that it's so much easier now for America to go to war because its always on the other side of the world and really means nothing to them. Even us who do not wish for war cannot possibly know what it is like and therefore do not actually care as much as, say someone from Iraq or Somolia, about the prospect of war. People here still remember the suffering of WWII. Luuk's grandmother lost family members, shot by the Germans. Many older people can telling you chilling and sad stories from those days. As a result, Europeans seem more hesitant to support war (though, I can't say the US seems all to supportive at the moment). They seem even less hesitant to joke about war. It has been a long time since the US has had war on it's own soil. America has forgotten what that sort of pain feels like. Like a child that bites because it no longer knows what a bite feels like, perhaps a nation, or at least a government, should be reminded of what the pain they are inflicting would feel like on their own flesh.
But perhaps I am speaking of something about which I also know little.

"The Little Mermaid" is done, and now the menu music is repeating itself over and over. Time to put Jules down for a nap.

Enjoy the snow, all you folks in the midwest.
I'm jealous.

Happenings

Let's see...
Survived the New Year. More than survived it - enjoyed every minute. I had the perfect amount to drink, just the right number of oliebollen (not too much, but enough to feel satisfied), played games (in Dutch!), carried on normal adult conversations (in Dutch!), kissed at midnight (in...French?), watched the boys blow up fire works, watched the (once again, very drunk) neighbors start a fire in the middle of the street, smoked a cigar, and danced all night long. It was good. The best New Years I've had here.
Next morning. News: Saddam is dead. Strange. He's been the bad guy for as long as I can remember. And now it, at least the part where he is concerned, is over.
You can watch it on youtube.
Who would want to see that?
I suppose I do not hate him enough to derive pleasure from watching him hang. The reaction here was, of course, a mixture of disgust and joy. Some are happy to know he's dead, others think this all was a horrible display. I do not feel much of either joy or disgust. As terrible as this sounds, I am too far away for him and what he's done to have an affect on me further than momentary horror. Theoretically, I suppose I think he got what he deserved. For some people, and in very few extreme cases, I think death should be their just penalty. Though, I must admit, I still cannot help but wonder who can actually be close up for those moments and live with themselves? I can support it easily from a distance but could I make the decision? Who could? Then again...I've never lost my family to a massacre or been raped and tortured...
Tomorrow I am taking the theory test for my driver's ed. Wednesday, my second driving lesson.
I found out that since I've had a license for four years already, when I get mine here, I can drive under influence of greater amounts of alcohol than the others in my class.
Luuk and I have decided to talk to a wedding planner. They are all forty year old women that love to plan other people's festive occasions. Entertaining, I promise!
On to studying traffic signs.
What a life.
Cheers.

April Fools

Remember that prank we played on April Fools last year? Maggi soup flavour blocks in the shower heads and icy-hot on the toilet seats? I found out today that it actually worked! Jan's girlfriend lived in East last year. We were talking about pranks, and she started telling about how annoyed she was with the icy-hot prank that some people did and how horrible it was to sit on the seat...I started laughing and finally had to admit why... Hehe!
Ah, belated satisfaction!

Post-Christmas

Short blog:
-Christmas consisted of three nights of celebration: Christmas Eve, went to church after yummy food; Christmas, church in the morning, another dinner that night; Tweedekerstdag (second Christmas day, actually official here) had big party and lots of food, which was absolutely delicious. Luuk's grandpa makes an incredible hare dish. His mom and aunts are splendid cooks, too.
-Dane came along; I think he enjoyed it. If nothing else, he was amused by Luuk's family. :) They have their quirks. I love them.
-Four year anniversary with Luuk on Dec. 27! Wow. It's been that long? I gave him cuff-links. He gave me tickets to Mexico. He also gave me his cold.
-In Groningen till Jan. 1. Tomorrow night, big party! Oliebolen!
-I'm sure I've gained at least five pounds...
-Luuk and I are very bad shopping partners. We both bought more clothes and lots of movies. Dane, we have more than you now.
-I'm broke.

Thought I'd share...

I am continually amazed at how much poop comes out of this two year old kid. How can something so small and cute produce such incredible amounts of something so intensely rancid that nothing can explain the potency of the resulting smell other than the reacting lurches in my stomach...?

In Mexico we had one of those butt-washer toilets in our bathroom. One of those would come in handy right now... I could just set him on it and walk away until the smell has been dissolved into the drain.

Let me restate both my hesitation to have one of my own little poop-machines and my amazement at the insanity of so many people out there.

Why do kids like Blue's Clues? The dude who does it is nuts...

First frost came yesterday. I took a walk with Jules and Raoul and admired the myst that lingered over the canals and fields, the thin layer of ice and zigzagging cracks, and the frost and ice covering everything that hadn't been touched by the sun yet. This place is really quite beautiful...
Last night, driving back from Uithoorn, I could hardly see 4ft in front of my car. The fog was incredibly thick. The water in the canal was super calm though. It looked like a mirror. Dark, misty, creepy, beautiful.
My car is doing weird things. Everytime I turn on the right blinker, the brights, or the fog lights, the wipers go crazy. But the windshield is pretty dry, so the wipers stick and make annoying noises. Never happens with the left blinker. Strange.
Coffee is good. I'm going to make myself some.
I slept like a rock the last two nights. Mind you, I purposely did not say that I slept like a baby...why do people even use that phrase? It doesn't actually reflect true baby sleeping habits. Babies wake up at least three times during the night to fuss and cry until you yourself wake up and give them some food. This past weekend I stayed home with the kids so Jeroen and Ingrid could have their first night away, alone, in four years. And sleep was not an option. Raoul woke up four or five times and simply would not sleep soundly. Finally I put him in bed with me, at which point he slept peacefully but I did not because of a combination of him sticking his feeting into my back, insisting on putting his hand by my face, and my being too worried about rolling over him. I'm never letting my kids sleep in bed with me. They'll never get used to it then, I won't have to wean (sp?) them off of it, and I'll have my own space. But, seriously, I am more and more debating the idea of having my own kids... Maybe I'll just adopt after the age of 3 so I don't have to deal with that stage.
You've gotta be concerned about a world full of people crazy enough to actually purposely have babies...
About that coffee...
Have a good one, y'all.

Why I quit the VU.

Last week I attempted to find my grade for my last exam. I found out that I had been kicked out (without any warning or notification!) because I hadn't handed in some paper from the city that say's I'm here legally. I got the paper, brought it to the VU, found out that actually, no, that wasn't the right paper, I needed a different one. Ok, so I go get that one. I could expect to be fully registered (finally!) by Monday, and then I could check my test grades.
Wednesday I got back to the house around 11pm, and an envelope was waiting for me on the ladder to my room. Ah, a letter from the VU telling me that I was finally officially registered.
I opened it, reading the Dutch side first. Thinking I misunderstood what it said, I quickly switched to the English side. No, I was right the first time: "Dear Miss Vanderploeg. We regret to inform you that you may not follow this study part-time... We are therefore returning your application file... If you wish to follow this study, please apply for the full-time program... If you are not happy with this decision, you may contact so-and-so and write a letter of complaint as well as a proposal for an exception to the rule to so-and-so..."
You've got to be kidding me.
I've been there for three months. The entire time I have run around from office to office trying to complete everything necessary for registration. I have talked to both the Psychology Department and the Hoofgebouw (main building...basically, the big guys), and even met several times with the secretary of the exam commission (who just so happens to be the advisor for the psych department). When I attempted to talk to anyone, I was always first sent to the other building where I was usually told that they couldn't do anything and I should go to the other building for help.
-I've already been there.
-Oh, well, I really can't help you, go talk to them.
-Fine.
Back at the first building.
-Oh, you're back.
-Yes, they told me only you can help me.
-Oh. Ok. Well, let's see what we can do.
Three months. Each time, my file was looked over for any missing details. Each time something else came up. But never once did any one mention that I couldn't even study the program in the first place.
What the hell?
So, what should I do? Sign up and pay for fulltime and just study parttime? Or attempt through several letters, more meetings, and another long line of bullshit, to be granted an exception?
I went to the VU yesterday to figure out what to do. First, to the Hoofgebouw.
-Yup, can't study parttime. Those are the rules.
-Why wasn't I told this from the beginning???
-I'm sorry, I really don't know.
-What can I do?
-Well, the letter says...
-I know what it says. Those are my only options?
-Yes. (Giving me an angry look, as if somehow my being angry about the past three months and this, the final straw, was somehow unfair or inconveniencing her...)
-There's nothing else-
-Those are the rules. But you should talk to someone from the psych department.
-This is ridiculous! How am I supposed to know this? Some one should have told me so I wouldn't have to go through all this running around. (I explain further about the last six months. She looks annoyed)
-Go talk to someone from the psych department. Maybe they can help.
-Fine. Thanks for your help. (Very sarcastic, angry undertone.)
To the psychology building. I run into the psych department advisor - ah! Just the man I want to speak to! I explain my situation. He looks at the letter.
-Oh, yeah. You can't study parttime. It's a psych department rule.
-Nice. So, why wasn't I told this before?
-I don't know. But it's not allowed.
-Well, I can't study full-time.
-I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do. Those are the rules.
-Well, if the rules are so important, they should be made a whole lot clearer for students attempting to get into this place!
-Yes, well, that's the way it is.
-There's nothing you can do?
-Let's meet tomorrow.
-Ok.
But, after a couple of frustrated tears, a long talk on the phone with my mom, and a good cup of coffee with Dane, I've decided to forget it. I wished once that I could have an excuse to quit - perhaps I wished too loudly and God heard me. Suddenly I wasn't so sure about this wish. This sucks - I want to study! Maybe I should take this as a challenge, stick it out. Prove that I can do it. But, I think my mother is right about two things: 1) If I'm not carefull, I will stress myself out too much and at somepoint have some sort of breakdown. I am in a different culture, country, world, I have a relatively stressful job, I don't know many people here...etc., there are many reasons that I should be stressed already, and allowing myself to continue to be stressed by a university that has a horrible administration system is not going to help. The benefits are too low anyway - it's not worth it. 2) Perhaps God is breaking down a bit of my pride. I'm definately having lots of opportunity for that this year. But one of my biggest pride issues is doing things on my own. I like to be independent. I want to show that I can take a little shit without breaking down like a baby. But maybe this time I can't, and that's ok. So... thanks, Mom, for putting things in a different perspective for me.
Thursday I felt an incredible amount of regret, but now I just feel relief. Even the idea of not having to deal with the VU anymore has relieved some stress.
Now, on to finding a yoga class and maybe even a photography course!

There's some strange gases eeking out of the heater in my room...

I dreamed last night that Ross was pregnant. He had a cute little belly that stuck out above his belt. And no one thought it was weird. He even started using the women's bathrooms and chatting with women at the mirror while washing hands. He was, however, still the same old Ross. He still sat quietly in his own corner sometimes, rocking to the music in his head. And he still made kawing sounds whenever he saw Reid.
I never got to see what his baby looked like because I woke up before he hit his third trimester. Oh, the disappointment!

Quote: E.B.White

"[Grace] can be dissected, as a frog, but the thing dies in the process, and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind."

Quote from "The Magnificent Defeat" (Frederick Buechner)

"For what we need to know, of course, is not just
that God exists, not just that beyond the steely
brightness of the stars there is a cosmic intelligence
of some kind that keeps the whole show going, but
that there is a God right here in the thick of our
day-by-day lives who may not be writing messages about
himself in the stars but in one way or another is
trying to get messages through our blindness as we
move around down here knee-deep in the fragrant muck
and misery and marvel of the world. It is not objective
proof of God's existence that we want but the experience
of God's presence. That is the miracle we are really
after, and that is also, I think, the miracle that we
really get."

Fotos

I borrowed a digital camera for a week, and this is what I got when I remembered to take pictures:

The canal that I cross every day,

with this boat.

The neighbor's windmill.

Beautiful Holland.

Swans.

They are everywhere.

(Fascinating, when you grow up where swans are nonexistant).

This guy hissed at me.

I took his picture and slowly backed away.

(He's more scary-looking in real-life close-up.)

These guys are also everywhere, but are super skitish and always fly away before I can take their picture. Getting closer was not an option...

Foggy mornings...sometimes whole days...

(Can you see the hundreds of geese in the field? They are loud, annoying in the morning...)

@#$%!!!

Damn it. This computer. It just erased a post I just wrote. 
Attempt 3 (yes, that's right...third attempt...lucky for you, it's shorter).

I feel drunk. 
It started last night. I went to the bar with Dane anyway. But even one beer was a bad idea. 
I felt as if I stayed in that smokey room any longer, I'd get sick.
The cat bit me again yesterday. I started to think this feeling was the result - maybe I got tetanus.
My jaw even started to feel stiff. That could be a result of constantly stretching it to see if it still
worked.
I don't have tetanus.
Driving home was surreal, taking the curves in the dark, with only the headlights to help me 
keep my balance. In my head, a dream from a few nights ago replayed over and over. 
In the dream I crash into the canal and almost drown before I'm saved from a friend of mine from Mexico. He died last year. In a car accident. 
Sleep didn't help. I woke up dizzy and off balance. The feeling is more dull now, but
if I turn to fast I have to steady myself or I'll fall over.
It's foggy out and I have to drive to Amsterdam. Probably not a good idea. 
Oh well.
I will pretend that I am late to GEN300 with the effects of last night's party still wearing off.
Cheers.