8 years ago
31 August 2009
The end of a wonderful summer.
The sun comes up later than it did just two weeks ago. The nights are getting longer, the days shorter, and I even see some leaves out my window at work that are changing color. Getting up in the morning is slowly becoming more difficult (though that might partly be a side effect of this horrid cold that I caught just before the weekend...). Holland is beautiful in the fall, romantic. But after fall comes winter and Dutch winters are rarely beautiful. I dread Dutch winters. They are cold, wet, windy, grey, dreary, dark. Morning light starts at 8, and night begins to creep in at 4. Just thinking about it depresses me.
27 August 2009
26 August 2009
morning glory
everymorning i share a tram with the same people. the cute, wonderfully-smelling guy with a blonde ponytail. the lady who always wears pink flowered gloves, no matter how hot it is outside. the guy with Down's who sits in the back burping occasionaly, grining and muttering to himself, and loudly repeating "Ssssex winkel" every time we pass the sex-shop around the corner from the grocery store, all to the shock and embarassment of the old ladies who board at the rest home just down the street. the tall girl with long hair who for some reason always wears her belt on top of her clothes and never through the belt-loops of her pants. sometimes i manage to get the tram with the only woman driver on line 1, who never smiles when you say "goedemorgen" but grunts in reply before clanging the bell and lurching the tram forward.
the tram is scheduled to arrive at 8:19 but i risk missing it if i am not there by 8:15, and even then i'm really pushing it. why public transport in this country manages to always be early or late but never on time so that no matter what time you get there you end up waiting 10min is beyond me. and of course, i regularly miss the bus i mean to catch in Delft. i either arrive too early and he comes to late or i arrive late and he left early. either way, i end up waiting 20min before i can board my connecting form of transport.
at my stop, i get out, followed by a guy with dark hair who immediately lights up a cigarette and proceeds to walk 10 feet behind me till we reach the gate where i swipe my pass and open the door for both of us, at which point he offers the only word i have ever heard him speak, "dankje", and we part ways. sometimes i forget my pass and he has to step in front of me to open the door, then i say "dankje", smile, he nods, and we part ways.
then i work, go home, have a nice quiet evening at home with luuk (whooped his ass at Settlers last night...he got me back though), go to bed, wake up, and do it all again.
ah, mornings...
the tram is scheduled to arrive at 8:19 but i risk missing it if i am not there by 8:15, and even then i'm really pushing it. why public transport in this country manages to always be early or late but never on time so that no matter what time you get there you end up waiting 10min is beyond me. and of course, i regularly miss the bus i mean to catch in Delft. i either arrive too early and he comes to late or i arrive late and he left early. either way, i end up waiting 20min before i can board my connecting form of transport.
at my stop, i get out, followed by a guy with dark hair who immediately lights up a cigarette and proceeds to walk 10 feet behind me till we reach the gate where i swipe my pass and open the door for both of us, at which point he offers the only word i have ever heard him speak, "dankje", and we part ways. sometimes i forget my pass and he has to step in front of me to open the door, then i say "dankje", smile, he nods, and we part ways.
then i work, go home, have a nice quiet evening at home with luuk (whooped his ass at Settlers last night...he got me back though), go to bed, wake up, and do it all again.
ah, mornings...
20 August 2009
found in an old social psych book:
Innocent victims tigger more compassion if personalized. In a week when a soon-forgotten earthquake in Iran kills 3000 people, a lone boy dies, trapped in a well-shaft in Italy, and the whole world grieves. The projected death statistics of a nuclear war are impersonal to the point of being incomprehensible. So international law professor Roger Fisher proposed a way to personalize the victims:
"It so happens that a young man, usually a navy officer, accompanies the President wherever he goes. This young man has a black attache case which contains the codes that are needed to fire nuclear weapons.
I can see the President at a staff meeting considering nuclear was as an abstract question. He might conclude, 'On SIOP Plan One, the decision is affirmative. Communicate te Alpha line XYZ.' Such jargon keeps what is involved at a distance.
My suggestion, then, is quite simple. Put that needed code number in a little capsule and implant that capsule right next to he heart of a volunteer. The volunteer will carry with him a big, heavy butcher knife as he accompanies the President. If ever the President wants to fire nuclear weapons, the only way he can do so is by first, with his own hands, killing one human being.
'George,' the President would say, 'I'm sorry, but tens of millions must die.' The President then would have to look at someone and realize what death is - what an innocent death is. Blood on the White House carpet: it's reality brought home.
When I suggested this to frinds in the Pentagon, they said, 'My God, that's terrible. Having to kill someone would distrot the President's judgement. He might never push the button.' "
(Fisher, R. (1981) Preventing nuclear war. Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, March, 11-17.)
"It so happens that a young man, usually a navy officer, accompanies the President wherever he goes. This young man has a black attache case which contains the codes that are needed to fire nuclear weapons.
I can see the President at a staff meeting considering nuclear was as an abstract question. He might conclude, 'On SIOP Plan One, the decision is affirmative. Communicate te Alpha line XYZ.' Such jargon keeps what is involved at a distance.
My suggestion, then, is quite simple. Put that needed code number in a little capsule and implant that capsule right next to he heart of a volunteer. The volunteer will carry with him a big, heavy butcher knife as he accompanies the President. If ever the President wants to fire nuclear weapons, the only way he can do so is by first, with his own hands, killing one human being.
'George,' the President would say, 'I'm sorry, but tens of millions must die.' The President then would have to look at someone and realize what death is - what an innocent death is. Blood on the White House carpet: it's reality brought home.
When I suggested this to frinds in the Pentagon, they said, 'My God, that's terrible. Having to kill someone would distrot the President's judgement. He might never push the button.' "
(Fisher, R. (1981) Preventing nuclear war. Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, March, 11-17.)
13 August 2009
10 August 2009
weekends are too short.
i have a serious case of the monday's. really not in the mood to do any sort of work. the computer is not on my side, either. slow bastard. not really sure what i need to do, anyway. tomorrow i am meeting with my supervisor(s) to discuss what i have written up so far for Part 1 of the workshop. I suppose I could read some more about risk theories to add to Part 2... but I am pretty much done with Part 2 already. And Part 3 is a group activity section, which involves very little research on my part...so that's done already too.
on a more interesting note, a friend got married this weekend. don't really know her new husband that well, but he's a good guy. it was good. a meaningful ceremony. smiles, tears, yummy reception food, good fun and friends. i like these kinds of weddings. when you know they have a good start to a (very likely) long journey. just plain good.
yes, i realize i just used the word good five times. it just fit the day.
anyway.
back to monday.
on a more interesting note, a friend got married this weekend. don't really know her new husband that well, but he's a good guy. it was good. a meaningful ceremony. smiles, tears, yummy reception food, good fun and friends. i like these kinds of weddings. when you know they have a good start to a (very likely) long journey. just plain good.
yes, i realize i just used the word good five times. it just fit the day.
anyway.
back to monday.
06 August 2009
Daydreaming
I noticed this morning one of life's little pleasures that I hadn't really ever realized how much I enjoy: getting lost in my thoughts. For the 45 min travel time to the office, I usually take a book (right now I am reading "Nudge", which I recommend to all you politically-minded psychological's out there) but sometimes I don't feel like focusing and I let my mind wander. Occasionally I will stop to notice where I have let myself wander into, but for the most I just roam through the random parts of my mind that normally go unexplored. Somehow, this exercise is very relaxing. Maybe there's something in the early morning sunlight on the canals and green fields....
03 August 2009
mini-update.
today, i got a tour of some of the work that the company where i am interning does. including at two shell refinaries. pretty interesting. probably boring once you are actually doing the work. its slow and time consuming and not pleasant. the only thing different about yesterdays work might be the location and the outcome of the tests they run. they use magnetic, ultrasound, and x-ray machines to test pipes and connecting parts. sometimes they just test loose parts on the ground before the parts are sent of to where ever they will be used. some times they climb ten stories of scaffolding to test a piece of metal. occasionally they have to hang off the sides of pipes and towers to get to that one piece they couldn't reach. crazy stuff. i can see why safety management is important. so now i feel a little more important. (in case you didn't know, i'm developing a safety workshop for the 'health, safety, quality, and environment' department). and now i have a better (albeit still incomplete) picture of what it is that they actually do. all these technical terms... a bit much for me. seeing it does more for me than reading it or getting an explanation from a well-meaning but confusing dutchman with a heavy accent.
still trying to figure out if this is for me. still wondering if i choose the wrong direction with this masters. still feel slightly unsettled.
guess i'll just have to wait and see.
i'm hoping for some writing on the wall.
still trying to figure out if this is for me. still wondering if i choose the wrong direction with this masters. still feel slightly unsettled.
guess i'll just have to wait and see.
i'm hoping for some writing on the wall.
23 July 2009
Sexism at the office.
I know you see me. You walk in a couple times a week to talk to Tamara; we share an office, you can't possibly have missed that. The least you could do is acknowledge my presence in the room when you are here. I don't need to be your best friend. But come on. You know I'm here.
The way you ignore my side of the office would under other circumstances perhaps be admirable. You can sit here talking for half an hour, diligently averting your eyes to every side of the room except my corner. My increasingly-less-enthusiastic smiles and attempts to make eye-contact with you in an effort to make our now all-too-late introduction less awkward are expertly avoided. At this point I feel it would be impolite for me to walk up to you and shake your hand - I'm afraid it would only point out your own rudeness.
This will probably go on until October when I leave and we will have never met each other, though I know your name and that the cute boy in your department doesn't really like you that way and that your job stresses you out more often than you enjoy it and that you are thinking of taking night-classes. I was, after all, in the room while you exchanged gossip and stories with my office-mate.
The men at least came by to say hello when I started working here. Sure, they just wanted to meet the new blonde intern. But at least they acknowledge my presence. They invite me to join them for lunch and even stop in during the afternoon lull to chat about cars and buying houses. They aren't just friendly, they call me "lieve schat" and "sweety". But you, you women, you don't just pretend I don't exist - you know I'm here. You see me and have said so much more with your avoiding eyes than any man could with a passing pinch in the dark hallway.
The way you ignore my side of the office would under other circumstances perhaps be admirable. You can sit here talking for half an hour, diligently averting your eyes to every side of the room except my corner. My increasingly-less-enthusiastic smiles and attempts to make eye-contact with you in an effort to make our now all-too-late introduction less awkward are expertly avoided. At this point I feel it would be impolite for me to walk up to you and shake your hand - I'm afraid it would only point out your own rudeness.
This will probably go on until October when I leave and we will have never met each other, though I know your name and that the cute boy in your department doesn't really like you that way and that your job stresses you out more often than you enjoy it and that you are thinking of taking night-classes. I was, after all, in the room while you exchanged gossip and stories with my office-mate.
The men at least came by to say hello when I started working here. Sure, they just wanted to meet the new blonde intern. But at least they acknowledge my presence. They invite me to join them for lunch and even stop in during the afternoon lull to chat about cars and buying houses. They aren't just friendly, they call me "lieve schat" and "sweety". But you, you women, you don't just pretend I don't exist - you know I'm here. You see me and have said so much more with your avoiding eyes than any man could with a passing pinch in the dark hallway.
20 July 2009
Discrimination without prejudice
What do you make of this paragraph?:
"A mindful outlook recognizes that we are all deviant from the majority with respect to some of our attributes, and also that each attribute or skill lies on a continuum. Such an awareness leads to more categorizing and consequently fewer global stereotypes, [that is] increasing discrimination can reduce prejudice." (Langer, E.J., 1989, Mindfulness).
Mindfulness is, in short, acting in a manner that is not automatic or unquestioning. Meeting someone using a mindful approach would mean paying attention to details that you would normally take for granted upon first meet (which usually we end up doing eventually the better we get to know someone), to discriminate this person from the global category that they would otherwise fit into if you met them in the usual, automatic way.
One reason that we carry prejudices is because we categorize to deal with the world. When we meet a new person we pick up the details that are most salient and use those to define the person we meet and categorize. We mindlessly accept these details as defining the person until they do or say something to make us think twice about our definition. When I first meet someone, he/she fits in a category: black, white, Mexican, American, Dutch, nerd, jock, friendly, unfriendly, asshole, bitch, saint.... The more I get to know someone, the more I discriminate him/her from any category or group in particular and the more he/she simply becomes John or Jane, with all quirks, strengths, tendencies, characteristics that define this particular person.
All our efforts to reduce discrimination and therefore reducing prejudices and racism has, in fact, only contributed to the problem. In an attempt to not-discriminate, to treat one person as exactly the same as the next, I impossibly attempt to deny this natural tendency to categorize, and I do not allow myself to re-categorize based on that individual, instead holding them in the global category into which they originally fit. To discriminate, in this sense anyway, is to reduce prejudice.
"A mindful outlook recognizes that we are all deviant from the majority with respect to some of our attributes, and also that each attribute or skill lies on a continuum. Such an awareness leads to more categorizing and consequently fewer global stereotypes, [that is] increasing discrimination can reduce prejudice." (Langer, E.J., 1989, Mindfulness).
Mindfulness is, in short, acting in a manner that is not automatic or unquestioning. Meeting someone using a mindful approach would mean paying attention to details that you would normally take for granted upon first meet (which usually we end up doing eventually the better we get to know someone), to discriminate this person from the global category that they would otherwise fit into if you met them in the usual, automatic way.
One reason that we carry prejudices is because we categorize to deal with the world. When we meet a new person we pick up the details that are most salient and use those to define the person we meet and categorize. We mindlessly accept these details as defining the person until they do or say something to make us think twice about our definition. When I first meet someone, he/she fits in a category: black, white, Mexican, American, Dutch, nerd, jock, friendly, unfriendly, asshole, bitch, saint.... The more I get to know someone, the more I discriminate him/her from any category or group in particular and the more he/she simply becomes John or Jane, with all quirks, strengths, tendencies, characteristics that define this particular person.
All our efforts to reduce discrimination and therefore reducing prejudices and racism has, in fact, only contributed to the problem. In an attempt to not-discriminate, to treat one person as exactly the same as the next, I impossibly attempt to deny this natural tendency to categorize, and I do not allow myself to re-categorize based on that individual, instead holding them in the global category into which they originally fit. To discriminate, in this sense anyway, is to reduce prejudice.
15 July 2009
oh yeh-uh, woo-hoo, oh-yeh-uh!
we have a house! we got the one we wanted for the price we wanted. and quite quickly too. we put in our last offer at 4pm and got the call at 7pm announcing our new ownership! we are home owners! well, not officially yet...we have to sign the papers and stuff next week. but it's ours! woohoo!
07 July 2009
Baby yet? No? How bout now? No? And now?
At this moment, I have at least 3 friends who are pregnant (I feel like I am forgetting someone) and 5 with new born babies (four in the last week!).
Luuk's sisters occasionally drop comments into the conversation about how fun it would be to be an aunt.
My sisters say things like "I'd like to go back to Holland some time soon...a baby would be a good excuse..."
Gram's hinted at it yesterday and then pretended to take it back. But she didn't really take it back. She wants great-grand-babies. When we are ready, of course. But now would be nice. The clock is ticking you know...
Our mom's try a more sensible approach and just give us good sound advice about this house we want to buy...make sure it has enough rooms for, well, just in case (wink wink).
Sigh.
Oh the pressure. :p
Luuk's sisters occasionally drop comments into the conversation about how fun it would be to be an aunt.
My sisters say things like "I'd like to go back to Holland some time soon...a baby would be a good excuse..."
Gram's hinted at it yesterday and then pretended to take it back. But she didn't really take it back. She wants great-grand-babies. When we are ready, of course. But now would be nice. The clock is ticking you know...
Our mom's try a more sensible approach and just give us good sound advice about this house we want to buy...make sure it has enough rooms for, well, just in case (wink wink).
Sigh.
Oh the pressure. :p
26 June 2009
Goode-bye Michael.
It's strange when famous people die. Our extended reality has been altered. It's not like they hold a particularly important place in our daily life. But when they are gone, we miss them. Something somehow changed. We don't like it. Famous people aren't supposed to die. They are supposed to live forever or at least as long as ourselves to continue to grace our newspaper headlines and tv shows with reports about legal cases and scandals and canceled shows and speculations about private life...
Ah, Mr. Jackson. You will be missed. Today I will play some of your albums that have been gathering dust on the shelf. I will only remember those good times, long ago. And will talk about you with my friends for days as if we always cared.
Here's to you and a life incomparable. Cheers!
Ah, Mr. Jackson. You will be missed. Today I will play some of your albums that have been gathering dust on the shelf. I will only remember those good times, long ago. And will talk about you with my friends for days as if we always cared.
Here's to you and a life incomparable. Cheers!
19 June 2009
addiction anyone?
for some reason I keep checking the usual websites every few hours, as if something might have changed since the last check.
maybe if I would quit checking and would starting writing emails, I might actually have some responses.
not much I can do about the news... the world only turns at the same speed it always has...
the probability of more than one new house appearing on the sale list every week is pretty slim as well, let alone a new on each day...or hour...or half hour...
and well, facebook and blog only change when something interesting happens to people I know, and seriously, how many more of my friends can announce pregnancies or engagements at this point?
I suppose all this checking might explain why my paper is developing at a similar rate to the rest of the internet world. though, I can proudly say I have finally finished it. I will read it once more before handing it in on Monday. never know... what I think is brilliant today, I might find silly tomorrow.
speaking of tomorrow, I am going to an open-house route in Gouda to check out about 10 different potential future homes. though, really, just two of them looked really good. but you never can tell from the pictures alone.
so yeah, that was my day.
toodles.
maybe if I would quit checking and would starting writing emails, I might actually have some responses.
not much I can do about the news... the world only turns at the same speed it always has...
the probability of more than one new house appearing on the sale list every week is pretty slim as well, let alone a new on each day...or hour...or half hour...
and well, facebook and blog only change when something interesting happens to people I know, and seriously, how many more of my friends can announce pregnancies or engagements at this point?
I suppose all this checking might explain why my paper is developing at a similar rate to the rest of the internet world. though, I can proudly say I have finally finished it. I will read it once more before handing it in on Monday. never know... what I think is brilliant today, I might find silly tomorrow.
speaking of tomorrow, I am going to an open-house route in Gouda to check out about 10 different potential future homes. though, really, just two of them looked really good. but you never can tell from the pictures alone.
so yeah, that was my day.
toodles.
Ridiculous dissatisfaction.
So, I got a 7.5 on my last exam, which translates to an 8, which here is a very good grade. I was quite happy with this grade until I took a closer look at the list and realized that several people got a 9, several more got a 9.5 , and several even got a 10 (which is supposed to be impossible to get in Holland unless you are particularly brilliant)... Now I do not know how I should feel. If that many people could get perfect and near perfect grades, I must have seriously misunderstood something that they all somehow got. But I tried to accept it and be happy with a grade that in itself is a good grade. Until last night when I found out that a girl in my program who from the beginning has seriously annoyed me but I have been trying to see in a different light and like her anyway cause that's what Jesus would do, got a 9.5, which translates to a 10...
Oh the envy! The annoyance! The petty frustration! I studied so hard for that exam! I thought I really had a good grasp on the topic! She didn't study as much or as long. She didn't try as hard. How can she have two, count two!, full points more than I?
My 8 now feels like a failure.
What the hell?
This is ridiculous.
Seriously, Amanda. Get over yourself.
Oh the envy! The annoyance! The petty frustration! I studied so hard for that exam! I thought I really had a good grasp on the topic! She didn't study as much or as long. She didn't try as hard. How can she have two, count two!, full points more than I?
My 8 now feels like a failure.
What the hell?
This is ridiculous.
Seriously, Amanda. Get over yourself.
17 June 2009
relief
Had my first participant yesterday, ran the pilot successfully without supervision. Ha! Take that Eprime! No computer program is too messed up for me...or well, my supervisor (assissted with some uneducated guesses on my part). Two more this week
Yesterday I went to a "mindfulness" workshop. It was a bit different from what I expected. Still not sure what to think of it. Apparently what I had in mind was "awareness", being aware of how you interact with the environment you are in... whereas "mindfulness" is more centered in the body and experiencing every moment, bringing yourself to the 'here and now' by focusing on your physical reactions.... There where moments where was afraid our workshop was gonna turn in to a new age meditation session but it managed to stay just on the right side of that thin line.
Anywho, those of you who have never heard of this probably don't care too much. The only reason I mention it is cause I am supposed to help set up a workshop for safety mindfulness and I am not really sure how safey would fit with this version of mindfulness. Maybe they stole each other's term and what I will be doing is completely different. I hope.
Now, to finish that paper from hell.
Yesterday I went to a "mindfulness" workshop. It was a bit different from what I expected. Still not sure what to think of it. Apparently what I had in mind was "awareness", being aware of how you interact with the environment you are in... whereas "mindfulness" is more centered in the body and experiencing every moment, bringing yourself to the 'here and now' by focusing on your physical reactions.... There where moments where was afraid our workshop was gonna turn in to a new age meditation session but it managed to stay just on the right side of that thin line.
Anywho, those of you who have never heard of this probably don't care too much. The only reason I mention it is cause I am supposed to help set up a workshop for safety mindfulness and I am not really sure how safey would fit with this version of mindfulness. Maybe they stole each other's term and what I will be doing is completely different. I hope.
Now, to finish that paper from hell.
15 June 2009
Feeling better. A bit.
Ok. It's a new week. The experiment is still not ready to go, had to cancel some participants. Ah well. We'll finish in September.
That paper is still probably ok, so I am just gonna finish it. At some point. In between experiment stuff. Has to be done by Friday though. And I have to hand it in with a picture of myself. Will need to go get some pictures taken. Kinda annoying...
We got some sunshine this weekend, made me a bit happier.
Enjoyed some Jazz aan de Gracht (on the city canal/water systems). Good good. Found a new jazz club we might visit more often.
Watched 'Rachel Getting Married', liked it, alot. Cried a bit, destressed.
Played games yesterday, beat Luuk twice. :)
Then watched some 'Scrubs' and 'Simpsons' before crawling into bed.
A good way to round off the weekend.
That paper is still probably ok, so I am just gonna finish it. At some point. In between experiment stuff. Has to be done by Friday though. And I have to hand it in with a picture of myself. Will need to go get some pictures taken. Kinda annoying...
We got some sunshine this weekend, made me a bit happier.
Enjoyed some Jazz aan de Gracht (on the city canal/water systems). Good good. Found a new jazz club we might visit more often.
Watched 'Rachel Getting Married', liked it, alot. Cried a bit, destressed.
Played games yesterday, beat Luuk twice. :)
Then watched some 'Scrubs' and 'Simpsons' before crawling into bed.
A good way to round off the weekend.
12 June 2009
I feel like complaining...
This experiment is taking forever to get started. We have our first participants signed up for Monday and I am starting to fear that we won't be ready. Actually, that's not true, I already had to cancel two participant meetings. Egh.
So much for being done in August.
My thesis/experiment supervisor seems to think that everything involved in the experiment is a teaching opportunity and instead of just telling me how things work she starts asking me rhetorical questions to get me to think about it and figure it out on my own. But my thought processes seem different from hers so I never understand her questions so I sit there trying to figure it out on the spot in front of her feeling very stupid and slow. She does this for a living, knows every detail about how language and the programs and bilingualism and testing... I've been dropped smack into the middle of it all with nothing. And when we are done, I will likely never use any of this stuff again. I don't need to learn this stuff, I just need to know enough to do the freaking experiment and write a paper and graduate! Quit teaching me damnit!
And this paper on that topic I know nothing about, I had a brilliant topic, finally, and was making some headway. Got a general email this morning to all students from our prof with more specific requirements, might mean that the topic I have now isn't quite what she is looking for. Crap.
There is a pile of un-ironed shirts waiting for me downstairs. I tackled half of it earlier this week and ran out of hangers; bought more, so now I can get back to it... They've been sitting there for days, untouched. Makes the house look messy.
How is it that the dirty laundry basket is never empty? It's like Elijah's oil and flour. A miracle. I wash, hang up, fold, put away, turn around to find more to wash, hang up, fold, put away, oh and of course occasionally iron. Where does it all come from? There are just two of us in this house!!!
Oh, speaking of houses, one good thing that happened this week is that we might have found the house. Maybe. I'll get back to you on that.
Ah. But now it's Friday. I can make it through this day and then I can come home, crack open a beer and for a couple of hours forget about it all and just relax. Tomorrow I will tackle laundry. And Monday will be back soon enough to overwhelm me again with life.
So much for being done in August.
My thesis/experiment supervisor seems to think that everything involved in the experiment is a teaching opportunity and instead of just telling me how things work she starts asking me rhetorical questions to get me to think about it and figure it out on my own. But my thought processes seem different from hers so I never understand her questions so I sit there trying to figure it out on the spot in front of her feeling very stupid and slow. She does this for a living, knows every detail about how language and the programs and bilingualism and testing... I've been dropped smack into the middle of it all with nothing. And when we are done, I will likely never use any of this stuff again. I don't need to learn this stuff, I just need to know enough to do the freaking experiment and write a paper and graduate! Quit teaching me damnit!
And this paper on that topic I know nothing about, I had a brilliant topic, finally, and was making some headway. Got a general email this morning to all students from our prof with more specific requirements, might mean that the topic I have now isn't quite what she is looking for. Crap.
There is a pile of un-ironed shirts waiting for me downstairs. I tackled half of it earlier this week and ran out of hangers; bought more, so now I can get back to it... They've been sitting there for days, untouched. Makes the house look messy.
How is it that the dirty laundry basket is never empty? It's like Elijah's oil and flour. A miracle. I wash, hang up, fold, put away, turn around to find more to wash, hang up, fold, put away, oh and of course occasionally iron. Where does it all come from? There are just two of us in this house!!!
Oh, speaking of houses, one good thing that happened this week is that we might have found the house. Maybe. I'll get back to you on that.
Ah. But now it's Friday. I can make it through this day and then I can come home, crack open a beer and for a couple of hours forget about it all and just relax. Tomorrow I will tackle laundry. And Monday will be back soon enough to overwhelm me again with life.
09 June 2009
28 May 2009
What happened to "this master's is easy, I barely feel like I'm studying"?
So, I am done with exams. Forever. Unless I study again some day. But forever for now.
You'd think I'd be relieved. But apparently I am still stressed. Maybe that's got something to do with the unfinished experiment for one class, with it's corresponding unfinished paper, both due next week; the yet-to-be-started research proposal for another class on a topic that I have very little understanding about; the experiment for my thesis project that is still in the setup-up stage and we have two weeks (if I want to stay on schedule) to get started and find another 29 participants (yay for friends who want to help!) and finish collecting data, then the results and thesis and review which I am starting to think won't be happening till sometime this fall; and then of course the internship that will be starting midsummer. Pff. So much for done. I think I prefer exams. At least I feel more in control and capable. For half of this stuff I feel so incredibly incompetent that the only thing that keeps me going is that I simply have to get through this so I will no matter how bad I am at it. I thought a masters was supposed to prepare me for the real world. This one has mainly succeeded in revealing further to me just how unprepared I am. Or maybe it's the real world that I'll be good at, it's just this academic/research stuff that I'm not so hot at.
Oh, and on top of this all, we are looking for houses. To buy. Leiden or Gouda, for those of you who are interested. Something close to the station. With a backyard, in the sun. And enough space to stay there for a few years (read: babies). It's perfectly normal to find this a bit of a scary process, right?
You'd think I'd be relieved. But apparently I am still stressed. Maybe that's got something to do with the unfinished experiment for one class, with it's corresponding unfinished paper, both due next week; the yet-to-be-started research proposal for another class on a topic that I have very little understanding about; the experiment for my thesis project that is still in the setup-up stage and we have two weeks (if I want to stay on schedule) to get started and find another 29 participants (yay for friends who want to help!) and finish collecting data, then the results and thesis and review which I am starting to think won't be happening till sometime this fall; and then of course the internship that will be starting midsummer. Pff. So much for done. I think I prefer exams. At least I feel more in control and capable. For half of this stuff I feel so incredibly incompetent that the only thing that keeps me going is that I simply have to get through this so I will no matter how bad I am at it. I thought a masters was supposed to prepare me for the real world. This one has mainly succeeded in revealing further to me just how unprepared I am. Or maybe it's the real world that I'll be good at, it's just this academic/research stuff that I'm not so hot at.
Oh, and on top of this all, we are looking for houses. To buy. Leiden or Gouda, for those of you who are interested. Something close to the station. With a backyard, in the sun. And enough space to stay there for a few years (read: babies). It's perfectly normal to find this a bit of a scary process, right?
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