20 August 2009

found in an old social psych book:

Innocent victims tigger more compassion if personalized. In a week when a soon-forgotten earthquake in Iran kills 3000 people, a lone boy dies, trapped in a well-shaft in Italy, and the whole world grieves. The projected death statistics of a nuclear war are impersonal to the point of being incomprehensible. So international law professor Roger Fisher proposed a way to personalize the victims:

"It so happens that a young man, usually a navy officer, accompanies the President wherever he goes. This young man has a black attache case which contains the codes that are needed to fire nuclear weapons.
I can see the President at a staff meeting considering nuclear was as an abstract question. He might conclude, 'On SIOP Plan One, the decision is affirmative. Communicate te Alpha line XYZ.' Such jargon keeps what is involved at a distance.
My suggestion, then, is quite simple. Put that needed code number in a little capsule and implant that capsule right next to he heart of a volunteer. The volunteer will carry with him a big, heavy butcher knife as he accompanies the President. If ever the President wants to fire nuclear weapons, the only way he can do so is by first, with his own hands, killing one human being.
'George,' the President would say, 'I'm sorry, but tens of millions must die.' The President then would have to look at someone and realize what death is - what an innocent death is. Blood on the White House carpet: it's reality brought home.
When I suggested this to frinds in the Pentagon, they said, 'My God, that's terrible. Having to kill someone would distrot the President's judgement. He might never push the button.' "

(Fisher, R. (1981) Preventing nuclear war. Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, March, 11-17.)

10 August 2009

weekends are too short.

i have a serious case of the monday's. really not in the mood to do any sort of work. the computer is not on my side, either. slow bastard. not really sure what i need to do, anyway. tomorrow i am meeting with my supervisor(s) to discuss what i have written up so far for Part 1 of the workshop. I suppose I could read some more about risk theories to add to Part 2... but I am pretty much done with Part 2 already. And Part 3 is a group activity section, which involves very little research on my part...so that's done already too.
on a more interesting note, a friend got married this weekend. don't really know her new husband that well, but he's a good guy. it was good. a meaningful ceremony. smiles, tears, yummy reception food, good fun and friends. i like these kinds of weddings. when you know they have a good start to a (very likely) long journey. just plain good.
yes, i realize i just used the word good five times. it just fit the day.
anyway.
back to monday.

06 August 2009

Daydreaming

I noticed this morning one of life's little pleasures that I hadn't really ever realized how much I enjoy: getting lost in my thoughts. For the 45 min travel time to the office, I usually take a book (right now I am reading "Nudge", which I recommend to all you politically-minded psychological's out there) but sometimes I don't feel like focusing and I let my mind wander. Occasionally I will stop to notice where I have let myself wander into, but for the most I just roam through the random parts of my mind that normally go unexplored. Somehow, this exercise is very relaxing. Maybe there's something in the early morning sunlight on the canals and green fields....

03 August 2009

mini-update.

today, i got a tour of some of the work that the company where i am interning does. including at two shell refinaries. pretty interesting. probably boring once you are actually doing the work. its slow and time consuming and not pleasant. the only thing different about yesterdays work might be the location and the outcome of the tests they run. they use magnetic, ultrasound, and x-ray machines to test pipes and connecting parts. sometimes they just test loose parts on the ground before the parts are sent of to where ever they will be used. some times they climb ten stories of scaffolding to test a piece of metal. occasionally they have to hang off the sides of pipes and towers to get to that one piece they couldn't reach. crazy stuff. i can see why safety management is important. so now i feel a little more important. (in case you didn't know, i'm developing a safety workshop for the 'health, safety, quality, and environment' department). and now i have a better (albeit still incomplete) picture of what it is that they actually do. all these technical terms... a bit much for me. seeing it does more for me than reading it or getting an explanation from a well-meaning but confusing dutchman with a heavy accent.
still trying to figure out if this is for me. still wondering if i choose the wrong direction with this masters. still feel slightly unsettled.
guess i'll just have to wait and see.
i'm hoping for some writing on the wall.

23 July 2009

Sexism at the office.

I know you see me. You walk in a couple times a week to talk to Tamara; we share an office, you can't possibly have missed that. The least you could do is acknowledge my presence in the room when you are here. I don't need to be your best friend. But come on. You know I'm here.
The way you ignore my side of the office would under other circumstances perhaps be admirable. You can sit here talking for half an hour, diligently averting your eyes to every side of the room except my corner. My increasingly-less-enthusiastic smiles and attempts to make eye-contact with you in an effort to make our now all-too-late introduction less awkward are expertly avoided. At this point I feel it would be impolite for me to walk up to you and shake your hand - I'm afraid it would only point out your own rudeness.
This will probably go on until October when I leave and we will have never met each other, though I know your name and that the cute boy in your department doesn't really like you that way and that your job stresses you out more often than you enjoy it and that you are thinking of taking night-classes. I was, after all, in the room while you exchanged gossip and stories with my office-mate.
The men at least came by to say hello when I started working here. Sure, they just wanted to meet the new blonde intern. But at least they acknowledge my presence. They invite me to join them for lunch and even stop in during the afternoon lull to chat about cars and buying houses. They aren't just friendly, they call me "lieve schat" and "sweety". But you, you women, you don't just pretend I don't exist - you know I'm here. You see me and have said so much more with your avoiding eyes than any man could with a passing pinch in the dark hallway.

20 July 2009

Discrimination without prejudice

What do you make of this paragraph?:

"A mindful outlook recognizes that we are all deviant from the majority with respect to some of our attributes, and also that each attribute or skill lies on a continuum. Such an awareness leads to more categorizing and consequently fewer global stereotypes, [that is] increasing discrimination can reduce prejudice." (Langer, E.J., 1989, Mindfulness).

Mindfulness is, in short, acting in a manner that is not automatic or unquestioning. Meeting someone using a mindful approach would mean paying attention to details that you would normally take for granted upon first meet (which usually we end up doing eventually the better we get to know someone), to discriminate this person from the global category that they would otherwise fit into if you met them in the usual, automatic way.
One reason that we carry prejudices is because we categorize to deal with the world. When we meet a new person we pick up the details that are most salient and use those to define the person we meet and categorize. We mindlessly accept these details as defining the person until they do or say something to make us think twice about our definition. When I first meet someone, he/she fits in a category: black, white, Mexican, American, Dutch, nerd, jock, friendly, unfriendly, asshole, bitch, saint.... The more I get to know someone, the more I discriminate him/her from any category or group in particular and the more he/she simply becomes John or Jane, with all quirks, strengths, tendencies, characteristics that define this particular person.
All our efforts to reduce discrimination and therefore reducing prejudices and racism has, in fact, only contributed to the problem. In an attempt to not-discriminate, to treat one person as exactly the same as the next, I impossibly attempt to deny this natural tendency to categorize, and I do not allow myself to re-categorize based on that individual, instead holding them in the global category into which they originally fit. To discriminate, in this sense anyway, is to reduce prejudice.

15 July 2009

oh yeh-uh, woo-hoo, oh-yeh-uh!

we have a house! we got the one we wanted for the price we wanted. and quite quickly too. we put in our last offer at 4pm and got the call at 7pm announcing our new ownership! we are home owners! well, not officially yet...we have to sign the papers and stuff next week. but it's ours! woohoo!

07 July 2009

Baby yet? No? How bout now? No? And now?

At this moment, I have at least 3 friends who are pregnant (I feel like I am forgetting someone) and 5 with new born babies (four in the last week!).
Luuk's sisters occasionally drop comments into the conversation about how fun it would be to be an aunt.
My sisters say things like "I'd like to go back to Holland some time soon...a baby would be a good excuse..."
Gram's hinted at it yesterday and then pretended to take it back. But she didn't really take it back. She wants great-grand-babies. When we are ready, of course. But now would be nice. The clock is ticking you know...
Our mom's try a more sensible approach and just give us good sound advice about this house we want to buy...make sure it has enough rooms for, well, just in case (wink wink).

Sigh.

Oh the pressure. :p

26 June 2009

Goode-bye Michael.

It's strange when famous people die. Our extended reality has been altered. It's not like they hold a particularly important place in our daily life. But when they are gone, we miss them. Something somehow changed. We don't like it. Famous people aren't supposed to die. They are supposed to live forever or at least as long as ourselves to continue to grace our newspaper headlines and tv shows with reports about legal cases and scandals and canceled shows and speculations about private life...

Ah, Mr. Jackson. You will be missed. Today I will play some of your albums that have been gathering dust on the shelf. I will only remember those good times, long ago. And will talk about you with my friends for days as if we always cared.

Here's to you and a life incomparable. Cheers!

19 June 2009

addiction anyone?

for some reason I keep checking the usual websites every few hours, as if something might have changed since the last check.
maybe if I would quit checking and would starting writing emails, I might actually have some responses.
not much I can do about the news... the world only turns at the same speed it always has...
the probability of more than one new house appearing on the sale list every week is pretty slim as well, let alone a new on each day...or hour...or half hour...
and well, facebook and blog only change when something interesting happens to people I know, and seriously, how many more of my friends can announce pregnancies or engagements at this point?
I suppose all this checking might explain why my paper is developing at a similar rate to the rest of the internet world. though, I can proudly say I have finally finished it. I will read it once more before handing it in on Monday. never know... what I think is brilliant today, I might find silly tomorrow.

speaking of tomorrow, I am going to an open-house route in Gouda to check out about 10 different potential future homes. though, really, just two of them looked really good. but you never can tell from the pictures alone.

so yeah, that was my day.
toodles.

Ridiculous dissatisfaction.

So, I got a 7.5 on my last exam, which translates to an 8, which here is a very good grade. I was quite happy with this grade until I took a closer look at the list and realized that several people got a 9, several more got a 9.5 , and several even got a 10 (which is supposed to be impossible to get in Holland unless you are particularly brilliant)... Now I do not know how I should feel. If that many people could get perfect and near perfect grades, I must have seriously misunderstood something that they all somehow got. But I tried to accept it and be happy with a grade that in itself is a good grade. Until last night when I found out that a girl in my program who from the beginning has seriously annoyed me but I have been trying to see in a different light and like her anyway cause that's what Jesus would do, got a 9.5, which translates to a 10...
Oh the envy! The annoyance! The petty frustration! I studied so hard for that exam! I thought I really had a good grasp on the topic! She didn't study as much or as long. She didn't try as hard. How can she have two, count two!, full points more than I?
My 8 now feels like a failure.
What the hell?
This is ridiculous.
Seriously, Amanda. Get over yourself.

17 June 2009

relief

Had my first participant yesterday, ran the pilot successfully without supervision. Ha! Take that Eprime! No computer program is too messed up for me...or well, my supervisor (assissted with some uneducated guesses on my part). Two more this week

Yesterday I went to a "mindfulness" workshop. It was a bit different from what I expected. Still not sure what to think of it. Apparently what I had in mind was "awareness", being aware of how you interact with the environment you are in... whereas "mindfulness" is more centered in the body and experiencing every moment, bringing yourself to the 'here and now' by focusing on your physical reactions.... There where moments where was afraid our workshop was gonna turn in to a new age meditation session but it managed to stay just on the right side of that thin line.

Anywho, those of you who have never heard of this probably don't care too much. The only reason I mention it is cause I am supposed to help set up a workshop for safety mindfulness and I am not really sure how safey would fit with this version of mindfulness. Maybe they stole each other's term and what I will be doing is completely different. I hope.

Now, to finish that paper from hell.

15 June 2009

Feeling better. A bit.

Ok. It's a new week. The experiment is still not ready to go, had to cancel some participants. Ah well. We'll finish in September.
That paper is still probably ok, so I am just gonna finish it. At some point. In between experiment stuff. Has to be done by Friday though. And I have to hand it in with a picture of myself. Will need to go get some pictures taken. Kinda annoying...
We got some sunshine this weekend, made me a bit happier.
Enjoyed some Jazz aan de Gracht (on the city canal/water systems). Good good. Found a new jazz club we might visit more often.
Watched 'Rachel Getting Married', liked it, alot. Cried a bit, destressed.
Played games yesterday, beat Luuk twice. :)
Then watched some 'Scrubs' and 'Simpsons' before crawling into bed.
A good way to round off the weekend.

12 June 2009

I feel like complaining...

This experiment is taking forever to get started. We have our first participants signed up for Monday and I am starting to fear that we won't be ready. Actually, that's not true, I already had to cancel two participant meetings. Egh.
So much for being done in August.

My thesis/experiment supervisor seems to think that everything involved in the experiment is a teaching opportunity and instead of just telling me how things work she starts asking me rhetorical questions to get me to think about it and figure it out on my own. But my thought processes seem different from hers so I never understand her questions so I sit there trying to figure it out on the spot in front of her feeling very stupid and slow. She does this for a living, knows every detail about how language and the programs and bilingualism and testing... I've been dropped smack into the middle of it all with nothing. And when we are done, I will likely never use any of this stuff again. I don't need to learn this stuff, I just need to know enough to do the freaking experiment and write a paper and graduate! Quit teaching me damnit!

And this paper on that topic I know nothing about, I had a brilliant topic, finally, and was making some headway. Got a general email this morning to all students from our prof with more specific requirements, might mean that the topic I have now isn't quite what she is looking for. Crap.

There is a pile of un-ironed shirts waiting for me downstairs. I tackled half of it earlier this week and ran out of hangers; bought more, so now I can get back to it... They've been sitting there for days, untouched. Makes the house look messy.

How is it that the dirty laundry basket is never empty? It's like Elijah's oil and flour. A miracle. I wash, hang up, fold, put away, turn around to find more to wash, hang up, fold, put away, oh and of course occasionally iron. Where does it all come from? There are just two of us in this house!!!

Oh, speaking of houses, one good thing that happened this week is that we might have found the house. Maybe. I'll get back to you on that.

Ah. But now it's Friday. I can make it through this day and then I can come home, crack open a beer and for a couple of hours forget about it all and just relax. Tomorrow I will tackle laundry. And Monday will be back soon enough to overwhelm me again with life.

28 May 2009

What happened to "this master's is easy, I barely feel like I'm studying"?

So, I am done with exams. Forever. Unless I study again some day. But forever for now.
You'd think I'd be relieved. But apparently I am still stressed. Maybe that's got something to do with the unfinished experiment for one class, with it's corresponding unfinished paper, both due next week; the yet-to-be-started research proposal for another class on a topic that I have very little understanding about; the experiment for my thesis project that is still in the setup-up stage and we have two weeks (if I want to stay on schedule) to get started and find another 29 participants (yay for friends who want to help!) and finish collecting data, then the results and thesis and review which I am starting to think won't be happening till sometime this fall; and then of course the internship that will be starting midsummer. Pff. So much for done. I think I prefer exams. At least I feel more in control and capable. For half of this stuff I feel so incredibly incompetent that the only thing that keeps me going is that I simply have to get through this so I will no matter how bad I am at it. I thought a masters was supposed to prepare me for the real world. This one has mainly succeeded in revealing further to me just how unprepared I am. Or maybe it's the real world that I'll be good at, it's just this academic/research stuff that I'm not so hot at.
Oh, and on top of this all, we are looking for houses. To buy. Leiden or Gouda, for those of you who are interested. Something close to the station. With a backyard, in the sun. And enough space to stay there for a few years (read: babies). It's perfectly normal to find this a bit of a scary process, right?

13 May 2009

Here's a scientific topic for ya. Bear with me, it's actually interesting...

So, I am reading all these articles for one of my classes (Economic Behavior) and some interesting ideas come up once in a while. In particular, one that caught my eye was on the norm of self-seeking. Basically, the concept is this: We have become more self-seeking over time because at some point someone told us that we, as rational economic beings, are always and only looking for ways to maximize our utility, to get the most out of every exchange for ourselves with no thought to the other person other than what is necessary to keep them exchanging with us. This is not a foreign concept to psychology - any long discussions on whether or not true altruism exists will attest to that. But at the same time, psychologists are very aware that people do strange things that don't seem to make rational sense, also in economic behavior. There are countless experiments and studies on the anomolies and "errors" of people's economic behavior. In fact, we are very often not rational, not self-seeking, and do not always maximise our utility. More specifically to this particular article, we, at least some of us, care about fairness. Now, there are different kinds of economic beings: those who care about fairness (prosocials), those who only care about their own outcomes (proselfs). You can actually measure who is which with a test that focuses on attitudes toward social issues. Anyway, some studies seem to indicate that the difference between these two sorts my partly have been enhanced by this self-seeking norm; in fact, we have all been influenced by this norm. Basically, we have been told for so long that we are only and always self-seeking that we believe it; we can easily think of many examples supporting this idea; we are suspicious even, of anyone's seemingly selfless behavior. As such, we are surprisingly (or not surprisingly?) not very willing to admit to being un-self-seeking. People are more likely to give to a charity if they can get something back, even if it is something small like a pen or a t-shirt. The theory is that this isn't because we are so willing to give large amounts of money for pens or t-shirts, it's because we can justify it later: "Yeah, I gave some money to the AIDS foundation, but I just wanted a t-shirt..."; "I walked with the breast-cancer walk cause it seemed fun and I needed to get out...". People who become involved in organizations working for some cause are generally better accepted by the people within the organization and without, if they have been affected by whatever it is they are working for or if they have some sort of personal investment; obviously you couldn't possibly care the cause for single mothers if you yourself are not a single mother or child of a single mother, right?
A major role in all this is played by our expectations of the behavior of others. We believe that everyone, including ourselves though perhaps to a lesser extent, are self-seeking; so we act as if they are all self-seeking. We justify our own un-self-seeking behavior, and we mistrust the apparent un-self-seeking behavior of others. Further, in any sort of exchange situation, we act as if they other is trying to get the most out of it at our cost so we must as well, perhaps in a way protecting ourselves. In experiments where one person is the allocator and the other is the recipient, the allocator divides a sum of money and gives part of it to the recipient, and the recipient accepts (in which case he gets only what he was offered and the allocator keeps the rest) or rejects the offer (in which case no one gets anything). Now, usually the allocator will give 50% or close to it; this could be fairness or it could be fear of rejection if the offer is too low. But in a version of this game where the recipient only has limited power, so if he rejects they both get a lesser percentage each, something strange happens. The less power the recipient has, the less money the allocator offers. But, when the recipient has zero power, the allocator suddenly switches and gives 50% again. Why is that? Some theories say that the powerlessness of the recipient invokes social attitudes, like when taking care of a baby or a helpless old lady. I personally think it has more to do with the other person being completely unable to act in a self-seeking manner and not the allocator is free to also no longer act in a self-seeking manner. Or maybe something combining the two ideas. Interestingly, those who have been highly trained in the economic theories that assume self-seeking nature often act in a more self-seeking manner. Studies comparing economics students to students from various other study subjects shower a large difference in the amount of money offered as allocators. Is this because they suddenly become more selfish? Or does it maybe have something more to do with their expectations of the behaviors and attitudes of others?

This is not to say that people are always and only really self-less under our charade of self-seekingness. There is too much evidence supporting self-seeking behavior. But it is nice to know that we are capable of being self-less, probably more so than we give ourselves credit for.

08 May 2009

This isn't Nam.

I hate it when dreams stay with me after I get out of bed. I was dreaming that I was in the army in the middle of some war. We were caught by the enemy and put into some sort of retaining pit. We were beaten and someone tried to drown me but somehow I managed to find a way to breath under water if I took very tiny breaths through my nose. Then suddenly we were escaping, and I was no longer the only woman, another appeared out of nowhere beside me. We were running away from the male enemy soldiers for obvious reasons. We managed to get guns and started shooting at them, they shot at us, we ran but were caught again. This time it was by one of our own guys who must have been working for the enemies as well; he handed us over to a general on a train and told him that we were traitors and should be put to death. The general took us, and we were so weak from being beaten that we couldn't get up, they just dumped us on an open bed car. But at some point the general disconnected our car and left us; he was doing us a favor and giving us a chance to escape. So we ran, this time ending up in corn field. Some teenage boys saw us and started to chase us. They were French. We followed another boy into his farm yard, but suddenly found ourselves in water again, with tall reeds surrounding us, and a dog was barking at us from the yard where the water ended. We ran into the house and were followed by the French boys. A man resembling Johnny Depp sat on a rocking chair and watched from above his tipped glasses. He told us to defend ourselves and so we started beating the boys up for trying to hurt us. We were hitting them with parts of the guns that we somehow had in our hands again and they tried to fight back but we knew too many fighting moves and one by one we beat them down. Then I started to whip them with a stick on their butts and they all mumbled and cried that they were sorry. Then I woke up, in a rage, no one there, just birds chirping on the other side of the window. It took a while to shake off that lasting impression.

Wow do I have some fucked up dreams.