imposter

probably like any one starting something new and unfamiliar, i feel like the biggest newbie in the world. i'm just waiting for someone to finally realize that i have no idea what i am doing half the time and the other half of the time only think i know what i am doing and am constantly surprised when my work isn't sent back with red scribbles all over the page. but this isn't Prof. Dengler's classroom any more and i am no longer a student working my way through a neatly organized world of deadlines, papers, exams and clearly stated expectations. this is the world of consultants and large companies and ministries of government. this is the world of working professionals, where expections are not explained but must be met, in which one simply figures it out and gets it done, while making some profit for bureau.

i hate this phase. from this end, it looks like it stretches on forever. from my desk facing the window facing the inner courtyard of the grey block-and-glass ministry of social affairs and employment building, this phase of being the clueless, lost, inexperienced and slightly nerve-wracked beginner feels like it will never end.

i'm a freshman all over again, walking through the classroom building for the first time, wondering how the hell i am going to find my classrooms on time for the next four years in this huge and confusing maze of halls and stairs. i cannot imagine that four years from now, the short halls and few turns in this small building will be permantently imprinted in my mental map and i'll be able to find the proper classroom through the half-conscious haze resulting from all-nighters, workshift hours and/or hangovers with no effort beyond that required to put one foot in front of the other. at some point, i'll know what's expected of me without having to ask. i'll follow the discussions around me and understand the content. i'll feel confident enough to defend my point of view and discuss the fine points that come up. i'll not only get things done when asked but will manage to occasionally impress. i'll become an expert in my field, i'll grow and the world will grow with me.

at some point.

for now, i'll chew my nails, sweat a bit more than usual, and stick it out. this cannot last. it will not. i can make it through this. i have before. i'll survive and in a year i'll look back and smile.