Fear of Failure

I'm never going to get a job. Some people were granted the natural gift of interviewing - I was not. It's even worse than public speaking. My face gets warm, most likely red too, but I can't see it so I wouldn't know. My hands sweat, making the introductory handshake somewhat uncomfortable; not a good start. We sit down, I try to find a comfortable yet professional looking position, and end up sitting with my back straight and stiff, arms on the table in front of me in an attempt to look relaxed until I realize that I am nervously picking at the pages of the notebook I brought along to write notes in that will inevitably go home blank. I try to concentrate on what the Human Resources girl is saying but get distracted by my racing thoughts: "Stop fidgiting! Look natural! Focus! You're clicking the pen, put it down! Shit, what'd she just ask?" What kind of work do I see myself doing here? Blank stare. I practiced answering this question. I wrote it down so I would know what to say when it came up. I know what I want. Suddenly it sounds so silly in my head, compared to the work described at this company. Maybe I should say something else. No, it's not an exam, just tell her what you hope to do here. Not so hard. Why am I fumbling over my words? Did I just stutter??? My answer is full of 'um's' and hesitation. I hear myself speaking and can't believe how unprepared and stupid I just sounded. I try to fix it. I realize I'm rambling. I answer more questions, ask some of my own, throw in some friendly chitchat. At least I have managed to refrain from giggling. Fuck, I couldn't giggle if I wanted to. I have resorted to fake-laughing to the manager's jokes by this point.

"Alright, well thank you for coming. We'll think about this for a bit, you think about it, and we'll call you on Monday, ok?"

Maybe it wasn't as bad as I think it was. Maybe it's like my public speaking experiences; I hate every minute of it and am usually convinced it was a total failure and find out later that I did just great. Maybe it's like that. On Monday they'll call and tell me how impressed they were and could I please, please come work for them.

Maybe not.